Going back to work...or not!

[snowboarder]

I know there was a really good long thread about working after babies in the summer - and do not want to repeat - but I now have to make decisions about if/how/when to go back to work. And as usual I'm in a pickle about it!

I can't quite believe it after all the trouble he's STILL causing me - but I'm amazed to find I'm thinking I can't leave babySB. I spent a long time training/working to get to the position I was in when I left work - and thought would go back at least part time..but perhaps not. Not least because there may not be a job there as my company has just launched another load of redundancies. But if I don't go back now I wonder whether it will be too hard to catch up in the future and there will never be part time opportunities elsewhere.

So - question 1 - Stay at Home Mums (are there many?) - are you happy? Do you wish you had gone back? Do you feel scared about returning to work in the future? My other option I suppose could be some sort of freelance work in the future - but - question 2 - how easy is it to have flexible childcare arrangements (guessing not at all)? Question 3 - any other comments?!? Maybe for my own AND babys sake I actually SHOULD work - then we could both have some time apart - but feel it would kill me...!!

[Fuschia]

I think if you can afford it and you're tempted to stay home, then give it serious consideration. It's so lovely for a child to get to be with her/his own mum rather than in childcare! I know it's not an easy role at all, Stay At Home Mum, though.

[R&A]

apparently the 'happiest' workers are part-time working mums. Perhap because their lives are diversified/varied etc and having a little bit of everything sort of.. works

and as we all know... happy mother = happy child

[Pickle]

I'm a stay at home Mum and can honestly say I love it.

I appreciate not every one can afford the stay at home option, luckily for us it is an option. Mr Pickle and I both grew up in families with Mum's who were at home (until school age, when both our Mums did part time work), and had spoken about it before we even got married, so for us it was a very natural decision for me to be at home.

I have a university degree, had a successful career as an accountant, but even before children came along found myself questioning whether the stress/hours were really worth it in terms of my happiness. Hence I gave it all up to be self employed doing something completely different (running weight loss classes!), and that's what I was doing up till I had children. Financially going back to doing that makes no sense in terms of what it would cost me for childcare, and I never saw it as a long term career choice anyway.

I will go back to doing something once the kids are at school, but it won't be a city based job like I used to do. I'm hopeful that eventually I can go back to teaching music (flute teacher) which I did for a number of years in NZ, as it would fit in well with family life as well as being something I truly enjoy.

The early years fly by... my son is nearly 3 and it still feels like just yesterday that he was a tiny baby. In less than a year he'll be at nursery 5 mornings a week, so before I know it he'll be at school. My youngest seems to be growing up so quickly, and will follow her brother to school just a year after he starts. For me it's precious time at home with them that I'll never have the chance to have again.

Of course there are days I wish I was working, days where I'd love to hand the kids to someone else to give me a break (I currently get 2 hours a week when my son is in a creche, so only have my daughter, but that's it), but the good days far outweigh the bad. I plan our week ahead to make sure we've always got something to do, as my worst nightmare would be to be stuck in the house all week!

I have every respect for working Mums, everyone's situation is so different and it's a very personal decision. I don't come across many 100% stay at home Mums, would be interesting to know how many others are in my situation!

[The Nappy Lady]

Hiya,

I always swore I wanted to be a 100% full time stay at home Mum, and broke my heart when I left O with a childminder at 9 months because I HAD to go back to work full time, 5 days per week. That was hard, and although it go easier I never really re-engaged, just learnt to deal with it. Dropping her off at 8am, catching the 8.14am train, leaving work at 5.15pm to run for the 5.35pm train to collect her before 6pm....it just felt like such pressure - though once on the train having time to read a book was wonderful and amazing I must admit.

When I was finally in a position to change things and go part time it was a dream come true, and has continued to be. Yes, we are not so well off now, but I find working 2 to 3 days and having 4 days to be a Mum is just perfect for me. I have HUGE respect for all the full time Mum's out there, I think it is the hardest job in the world. Having those two days a week when I can really focus on something and get it done feels very, very good, and I enjoy my time with the girls much more as a result.

What I would say is this - it is easier to go back part time now and leave if you hate it, than it is going to be to not return at all, then decide you want and need to work part time later...if that makes sense. It is hard to leave them at first, I can't deny that, but if you can arrange a part time deal that you feel happy with I'd say that is probably the perfect compromise, and you may find (as I did) that you feel like you can be a better Mummy when you are with him because you have the time apart.

I agree with Pickle, the years do fly by, so taking some time out to be with them while they are little is worth its weight in gold. There is so much more I have experienced with C that I really feel I missed with O, I can't deny it, being away from her 5 days a week for most of the day was just too much. With C I notice much more of the day to day, little developments.

Such a hard decision to make.......hope the assorted replies help with your decision making process.

Molly

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[curlykaren]

I'm so glad that I don't work and continue to feel that I'd rather be poor than spend time apart from baby. Also I know that you endure the same busy night time schedule that we go through here, sometimes I wouldn't be able to get out of bed if it wasn't for little mans cheeky morning grin! I certainly couldn't muster the energy for a job on those days, you know, something where you might actually have to have a shower! :))

[mumum]

exactly! happy mom equals happy child, whether it is baking cookies or working or snowboarding.

You actually already have a job: being a mom! It is really hard to leave your child to start, and if you aren?t forced to work in order for your family to survive, you have to be quite passionate about your job to do it, and then it feels totally selfish.

There is nothing you "SHOULD" do, but why not try something? Otherwise you?ll never know. Even if you start working and aren?t happy, you can quit, but it might be great once you get there.

I?ve recently downgraded to being a freelancer from working quite a lot in my daughters first few years. It?s less stressful and I have more time being a mom. But it is also boring and lonely, and I feel like I?ve let down the feminists (I am one) on the barricades, and my own hard work. It?s not a rational decision (death of my career), but an emotional one. My child was fine when I was working more before, as we had a great nanny whom I also learnt a lot from, but I felt it was me who was missing out. I enjoy being a mom and I feel fortunate now to have a way to work around what will soon become school hours. And when school starts, it should become easier with flexible childcare in after-school clubs if I get really busy.

[Sanne Panne]

How old is babySB? How long have you been at home already? I think you can only really know if being a stay-at-home mum is for you by trying it for at least a year (unless you know in advance that you don't want to do it). I did it for 15 months and then got an itch to spend a few days a week doing something else (in part because I didn't really know how to entertain my baby all day every day (bit embarrassed to say that I was running out of inspiration) and in part because I thought it would be good for her to spend some time with other babies as well). But I don't want to work full time until kids are in school if we can keep affording it.

To me, the ideal solution is to work part time BUT it in spite of (or maybe because of) my degree and experience it is VERY hard to find part time work if you don't do a natural transition by going back to your old job (or at least old company - I took voluntary redundancy because of the great package but in hindsight maybe I shouldn't have) in a part time capacity. For interesting jobs, the culture in the UK seems to be that you "can only do them full-time", which I don't agree with at all coming from a culture where plenty of high ranking jobs are done part time or as a job share, even by men.

Not sure about flexible childcare - I believe some childminders can do it and there are also ad hoc services but those are expensive - you may be better off blocking two or three days a week and trying to get your work done in those days. One thing I've experienced is that doing a bit of work in the evenings after a full day with my baby is just too much (for me at least).

If you do want to go for part time work at some point, definitely have a look at www.womenlikeus.org.uk and also consider becoming self employed like I did.

Good luck with your decision!

[Fuschia]

I work part time and for me it is the best option... I see plenty of my children while still enjoying my work and knowing I won't be falling behind in terms of knowledge. But it involves a huge amount of juggling

[snowboarder]

It's so tricky isn't it? BabySB is now 8 months so end of March is crunch time. It's more that I don't feel like I can leave him rather than I'm LOVING staying at home - it looks like we might be able to survive on one salary for a bit (if I can curb internet baby shopping addiction!) and they are tiny for such a short time...

I also have managed to pick a profession where part time working is really difficult - I'm an architect and work in a fairly niche area anyway - jobs are fairly scarce - So I'm going round in circles thinking if I don't go back I may never be able to, but I only would want to work 2 days, and actually don't think could do my job in 2 days a week! I have not approached employers yet either - and now the redundancy issue has come up - I'll find out if I'm at risk this week. The juggling would be tricky too as it would be me dropping off/picking up - increasing my lack of flexibility and therefore employability.

Freelance sounds good in principle - but the flexibility issue again. And in todays climate - well tricky.

Thanks all - food for thought as always...

[Fuschia]

SB: hard decisions.

Two points, from opposing directions

1. I have always found the thought of leaving my babies worse than the reality. esp with baby no 1 (I went back when he was 10m) the weeks before were full of dread.. but it was Ok in the end, with trusted childcare the fear is worse than the reality.

2. It sounds like the practicalities of pt work for you, along with the possibility of redundancy, might have rather made your mind up

I doubt anyone ever looks back and wishes they'd worked MORE when their children were small, TBH! But possibly the opposite.

[ClareC]

Better to get a redundancy package based upon your current "full time" position than any future part time ;-)

This is a really good thread, my baby hasn't even been born yet and I am already concerned by this! In an ideal world it would be great if my boyfriend and I could both work part time (3 days) ensuring one of us is at home to look after our daughter. Problem is we both work in antiquated backward thinking professions - I am a solicitor and he is an engineer.

Tying to get a legal job 3 days a week that genuinely is 3 days is not really likely and to be honest I would be given the rubbish work anyway which defeats the object (not solely financial).

I have considered doing locum work that is either 3 days a week or maybe more realistically 3 month full time contracts followed by 3 months off - solves the backward profession problems but can't see this idea fitting in with childcare!! If there are flexible childcare options out there it would be great to know!

Not sure what it's like in your profession but could you do locum work?

[R&A]

>I doubt anyone ever looks back and wishes they'd worked MORE when their children were small, TBH! But possibly the opposite.

my mother and her friends are pretty resentful (probably the wrong word) of their past in terms of career and kids. They were brought up in a world where you had limited or no choice but to give up work after kids... She'd much rather have furthered her career than look after children. I have an excellent relationship with my mother and see her most weeks as she lives round the corner. So yes the first few years are unique but your relationship with your kids is constently developing and doesn't have to end at 18 years? The thought of giving up a career and living a life 'through your children' is certainly not for everyone. However, i am most definitely sitting in the 'niave seat' on maternity leave at 9 months pregnant (first baby) and dreaming of going back to male dominated city job, after 6 months off... let's see what happens...

My ideal set up is a four day week. Happy to take a pay cut and still do five days in four days etc...

[Fuschia]

Although leaving a baby is hard... it's nothing like the guilt of having to leave an older child that's asking you not to, if they're unwell... or realising that they miss out on playdates and after school trips to the park... not being able to make it into school for absolutely every event or help out on daytrips etc... there are so many part time/flexible working/SAHMs in ED, a school child really notices if their mum isn't there at the schoolgates!

[alieh]

I have just gone back after taking the full year off. I am working 4 days/week (3 days in the office and 1 from home) and couldn't imagine working more. And I am (so far) lucky that my employer is okay with me working 8-4:30 so that I get home in good time in the evening.

I am absolutely loving being back, I have to say. Though it could just be a novelty at this early stage, and it may wear off.

I would say that flexible childcare might not be as impossible as you think, and if you have an opportunity for redundancy PLUS don't want to go back full time PLUS can manage on one income for a bit, you could use this opportunity to look into freelance/part time opportunities?

[snowboarder]

My mum didn't work either until I was about 14...but she had actually not worked before having children as had me when she was 20! I've had 10 years of working really hard, (and having loads of fun!) and I just can't decide whether not going back would be throwing all that work and study away or just taking a bit of a break and getting some perspective on what is a really hard, demanding and not very well paid profession!

ClareC - Locum work not sthg I think happens - you mean like temping? Only for more basic work I think.

[R&A]

isnt' it the mum who suffers in the event of leaving upset older kids?

The kids adapt and/or forget pretty easily. I was at boarding school (full time) from 7 years to 18 years due to my dad being in army and moving 18 times over 18 years.... My mother had a terrible time - never crying in front of us but pulling up in her car 5 mins away from school to have a cry at the beginning of each term (she only told us this recenlty). We (my sister and i) cried a lot when we were dropped off at the beginning of term which is understandable. But as soon as we were past the school gates the tears were forgotten and we loved school.

I watched day girls getting picked up each day but i dont' remember looking on longingly. I did get upset that my parents weren't at sports day or parents evening though... but i had quite an extreme set up

.. it does sound painful though but are the kids really suffering or is it the mum?

[KBN]

Really interesting thread! My daughter is 6 months, and I'll have to go back at the end of a year - financially we can't do without my salary. I would love love love to be a stay at home Mum, and that's after working really hard to become a city lawyer. I've always known it doesn't mean to me what it does for so many others, and now I've had my mini un I feel that she keeps me fulfilled in a way nothing else ever has.

The best deal I could possibly get from work would I think, be 4 days and 8 to 4 on the understanding that I won't leave before 5 and would log in from home in the evenings. Personally I think this is too much, but don't know how hard to fight as I need my job. Ugh. Anyone else tried to get flexible working from city environments?

Snowboarder, I really sympathise - it is such a tough decision, and amazing how a little face smiling in the morning can lift the whole day.

[legalbeagle]

KBN Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Really interesting thread! My daughter is 6

> months, and I'll have to go back at the end of a

> year - financially we can't do without my salary.

> I would love love love to be a stay at home Mum,

> and that's after working really hard to become a

> city lawyer. I've always known it doesn't mean to

> me what it does for so many others, and now I've

> had my mini un I feel that she keeps me fulfilled

> in a way nothing else ever has.

>

> The best deal I could possibly get from work would

> I think, be 4 days and 8 to 4 on the understanding

> that I won't leave before 5 and would log in from

> home in the evenings. Personally I think this is

> too much, but don't know how hard to fight as I

> need my job. Ugh. Anyone else tried to get

> flexible working from city environments?

>

> Snowboarder, I really sympathise - it is such a

> tough decision, and amazing how a little face

> smiling in the morning can lift the whole day.

KBN - I used to work in the city as a lawyer too. I gave up after beagle no2 was born and really wished i'd done it sooner. I love being a full time mum, even though it is MUCH harder than being a full time lawyer! But then again, I landed on my feet working for Green & Blue, who let me work when I can, when baby beagles are in nursery for a couple of hours. I have a lot of friends who have got flexible working from their employers, but they are without exception either in house (as I was, on a 4 day week) or professional support lawyers. You might want to think about one of those two options if you still want to work? I have also come across a few lawyers who freelance for banks/insurance cos etc, taking on discreet bits of work as counsel rather than a private practice lawyer with a practising certificate and insurance. Do you have enough contacts to do that and put your wee one in nursery a few mornings a week? Some food for thought I hope......

[ClareC]

In a legal environment the contract market is pretty good for locum/ freelance work. Companies do not want to take on permanent employees due to the economic downturn but the work is still there - hence they use a qualified lawyer on a temporary / locum basis. Not sure this market exists in architecture although it would make sense that it did for the same reasons (although may be an industry more effected by a downturn :-( )

There is always maternity leave cover, sickness cover, holiday cover and general cover when the work volume is too great for the existing team.

Only really works when you are fairly senior - the nature of the work is that you literally need to be able to just get on with it and not need any "hand holding". Often the positions are for a particular project or to take over the day to day work when the existing team are otherwise engaged on mergers etc.

A job share with another lawyer who is good and you trust would be ideal!!! both doing 3 days so one day your in the office together - perfect ;-)

I have no issue with working hard and needing to be available to take calls / check mail when I am not officially in the office, just can't see the point of having a baby if I never see her - which is easily the case with law in the City - grrrrr. My last position meant being away from home at least 12 hours a day even when it wasnt busy! Home working would work well as gets rid of commuting time however, again, hard to find positions that allow more than a day at home a week.

Good luck, would be interested to hear what you find out re flexible child care! May be worth speaking with employment agents to see of there is a temporary market in your area and what its ;ike, how it works etc :-)

[anna_r]

I went back to work 2 months ago when my baby was 8 months old. I work three days a week, doing a job I love, and I am lucky in that my company are really understanding about hours and lifestyle etc. I work 8.30-4.30 so am back in time for dinner/bath/bed. I am loving being back, and also love my days off with my daughter.

[randomv]

I'm a SAHM since having my baby although the decision was made for me since I was made redundant. I'm really glad this happened because as others have said, this time passes so quickly. My redunancy pay has given us a bit of breathing space although we can probably exist on one salary (just no foreign holidays for a while) but I keep toying with whehter or not I should work. I've come to the decision that for us, it's best that I'm home with our LO for the forseeable future, not least because it's so hard to make the reality of working financially rewarding (after commute, childcare etc etc). I don't want to be so stressed and rushed all the time that I spend the one hour a day I spend with LO shouting at him to eat his breakfast or something! The thing I kept coming back to was a sense of failure for not going back...for not even trying to juggle everything. I think this is kind of expected of us nowadays. When I speak to my friends who are working 3 or 4 days a week however, they all say the same thing: they feel under immense pressure and that they don't feel as if they are doing anything (ie work or parenting) as well as they would like to be. It's a tough decision and there's no right or wrong answer - just whatever works best for you as a family. Regarding your career, I'm sure there are possibilities to go back later, or maybe your changed priorities will lead you towards something different career-wise?

Best of luck!

ETA: Assuming many of us have moved to London rather than raised here (maybe presumptious?) I think our experiences differ from our parents in that working in town makes it so difficult to be back home to pick up junior do tea/bath/bed etc at a reasonble time. My friends who work in my town of birth can finish work at 5pm and be home with child 30-45 mins later which isn;t usually the case here.

[*Anna*]

Just to point out that all the mothers who have gone back to work full time (and probably love it!) are the ones who unfortunately won't be on here discussing this topic!

My mother worked full time throughout both mine and my younger brothers childhood and although she probably found it difficult at the time in the long run she found it much easier than other mothers when we started to grow up - ie full time at school / Secondary school life / University... her life was not dependant on us being there or us being reliant on her! It also, I think, made us much more independent earlier in life and appreciate them when they were around rather than taking them for granted.

Both my parents however were home by 6pm so we always had a family breakfast and dinner/bath time/story time together which made things much easier for them I think. We were also very lucky that we had a great childminder allowing us to mix with other children, do different activities etc.

I now totally respect the fact that my mum (and Dad) worked very hard whilst we were younger enabling us to go to great schools and undertake all the things we wanted to. She has also given me the career drive to achieve things like university, internships and finally a job I love!

Good luck with whatever decision you make.

[Moos]

My God, am I really the only full-time working mother in the family room?!

Feel far too intimidated to respond to this thread. Good luck making your decision, snowboarder.

[The Nappy Lady]

Moos, please don't be....I think your perspective is really valuable, and no one is saying working full time is wrong....

Molly

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