omniprescient

Sorry pearson - my Sinclair Spectrum doesnt do moving 0s and 1's - can you describe the video to me??

Out of date browser? - thats nothing _ I'm looking at this on a sinclair spectrum and everythings just a series of 0's and 1's

Bordering on a deity in our household. Brendan - you are the arse - you only come to the conclusion that he is an arse because you find him compulsive viewing and hate yourself for it!

Only small-timers call themselves freelancers. We big boys call ourselves contractors!

I keep a special eye out for cars with diplomatic number plates (often large mercs with blacked-out windows). Obviously white-van -man in a rush to get to his next plumbing job is also a problem. BMW's (more so than mercs in general), sooped-up mitsubishi lancers, subaru imprezzas....the list is endless.

What do you call a blacksmith with dreadlocks? Rasta farrier.

As far as lights are concerned the more and the brighter the better. I have a very bright static fixed to my handlebars and a forward facing flashing on top of my helmet. Apparantly having two light allows other road users to judge their distance from you more effectively. Also having a light high up helps visbility when you are in traffic. At the back i always use the red light on flashing mode - it has to be more noticeable that way. (I think the law stating that lights fixed to the bike must be non-flashing has been repealed?) I also have some flashing lights fixed to the spokes of my wheels - good for sideways on visibility. All in all I'm lit up like an effing christmas tree!

Who's never eaten a whole packet of Cadbury's chocolate eclairs one after the other and then hidden the evidence?

Those really hard little wine gums that you used to get years ago. I haven't seen them for about 30 years and can't remember what they are called. I can remeber the black ones (my favourite) were in the shape of a boot. Any ideas?

Create your own 2p pieces by supergluing 2 1p pieces together

To me the helmet/no helmet debate is a no-brainer. All that "research' which shows that people cycle more dangerously when wearing one and car drivers behave more considerately towards non-wearers is utter tosh. I've been riding my bike for coming on 30 years now and have had a number of incidents when my helmet has saved me from serious injuries including going straight over the handlebars and smacking my head on the road. The advocation of not wearing a helmet is a political stance advanced by libertarians who do not want to see helmets made compulsory. I too do not want them to be compulsory but that doesn't stop me wearing one.

Mcewans is the best buy, the best buy ,the best buy, Mcewans is the best buy, the best buy in beer. Hi Mcewans, the best buy in beer. (You kind of had to be there)

Recreate your holiday in the west country by buying some exhorbitantly priced scones and clotted cream from shepherds in Dulwich village and then eat them whilst standing under a cold shower.

Old soldiers never die - they get Younger every day (advert for Younger beer)

Stop that girl - subway sect

"A good roll does satisfy"* There was a baker in Glasgow called Dalziel and they used to make the most fantastic bread rolls. The rolls came in a white paper bag with a picture of a horse rolling in the dust. The slogan above appeared below the picture. Obviously the work of an advertising genius.

Only the crumbliest flakiest chocolate tastes like chocolate never tasted before. (p.s. I'm not sure the above is not strictly true - surely the same argument could equally be applied to haggis flavoured chocolate?)

A couple of sheets of used bog roll makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting Leicester.

Oh yes waynetta - and I suppose you will also be advising people to icrease the weight of these trousers by threading onions throgh the belt loops as well?? And I also suppose you'll be advising people not to waste money on espensive boil-in - the -bag cod with parsley sauce but instead just placing a fish finger inside a used condom with some grass clippings?? I wonder where you got those ideas from?

Don't waste time by making up your own top tips - simply trawl through the internet and use other people's (you all know who you are..)

Cresta.

They're tasty, tasty, very very tasty, they're very tasty. (what are?)

Sausages are the boys!

Up to now it looks like a three horse race: 1) allowing an 8 yo to supervise a 5 yo's journey to school is totally irresposible - 70% agree with this - an unassailable lead I would say 2)allowing an 8 yo to supervise a 5 yo's journey to school is not unduly risky and is an acceptable way for them to get to school - 20% agree with this 3) it's none of my business - 10% agree with this. Councillor Barber takes the archetypal politician's view in that his children are "not ready" to do such a thing but he supports the parents right to do so (= he wouldn't allow this himself under any circumstances but he hasn't got the balls to say so - this horse is from the same stable as claiming to support state education whilst sending your kids to private school - do you do that as well Councillor B??)

Being a cyclist as well as a motor cyclist I'm all for all two-wheeled road users being able to access all the bus lanes (not just the TfL ones as is the case at the moment) and I never considered that motorcyclists would present any significant danger. I could never understand why taxis are allowed to use them but motorcyclists were not. If it were up to me taxis would be banned from bus lanes during the morning and afternoon rush hours. They invariably contain only one passenger - why do they get special treatment?