dulwichmum

Michael darling, I thought you were planning to make an honest woman of her - to take her to church and make vows? I shall book her flight home to Lithuania, the girl has been taken advantage of enough... Shame on you!

I think number 3 looks the most useful size and shape. Well done for all your hard work!

Dear Dundag, I would love to agree with you about Mon Petit Chou, but the chairs are not soft, there are no toys to occupy little people, and the tables are all too close together to even accommodate a small person with a scooter. Yes the coffee is nice, but I always find I must have a quick swig and dash - as there really is not the space to relax. I am counting down the days until Starbucks returns, and have my brushed steel cup at the ready...

In the name of God Mr Palaentologist, how did you get your hairdresser to tell you that about herself?

But dear darling man, what care you of the fathers identity??? Have another drink...

Curses, that is too far! They will notice I am gone. When will you return?

Thinks to self - well, all may not be lost afterall! Mmmm so it could be Michael or the children's swimming instructor. Whispers quietly - "Michael dear heart, let me pour you a brandy..."

Thanks boys! Great thinking Batdog. I shall send her straight over Michael. Just leave the door of your home open this afternoon. I will be in rather a hurry.

Oh dear, was Frenchy joking Keef? I wasn't! I would like to flog the meter man for spoiling my carpet... And I really do like shopping!

Dear Frenchy, This is not America. I tip the bin men at Christmas and give them ?20, The window cleaner the same - 50p per window for a tip??? Have you any idea how much that would cost? My house is just enormous! As for the meter man - he should could himself lucky I don't have him flogged - he has marched his muddy boots through my perfect home on more than one occasion. Tip him with the toe of my boot more like. I think you have more money than sense. Perhaps you should try not to drink so much, and maybe get yourself a part time job wafting about Dulwich picture gallery. You could even try shopping - it is really a wonderful way to use up your excess cash. DM

Sobs quietyly behind the Japanses screen - thinks - "hold on - I wonder if Michael Papadopalopogus is responsible for Ana's condition?" Mmm

Dear Ladygooner, I am a complete air head when it comes to betting, but I would say that heels are not good for race meetings as they sink into the turf - go for wedges - very now, and further if you are ever going for a day time meeting, try to avoid those common "fascinator" type hats, as you will simply get sun burn on your nose. They are dreadfully last year anyhow. A wide brim and wedges = DMs advice for the races.

I hate when people say "24/7" - grrr

Wow thanks Boosboss, I shall take my back protector, chaps and crop out of the garage forthwith.

Hands duvet to Mr Plopalotofgust - gives wide smile. Points to enormous oil painting on the wall. Whispers "Isn't Ana stunning?" Thinks to self - 'That girl looks pregnant.'

Well of course! I wanted to call my daughter Freya after me - but James would not hear of it. He thought that Dulwichmum was a very odd name for a baby - sigh...

My super lovely au pair asked me yesterday in front of the children to explain "piss off" as she has heard it used so much on Big Brother!

I can only comment on this country darling Sean, it is where I gained any insight I have I am afraid. Congratulations on your chums new baby. Have they given the baby a name yet?

Free birthing is completely irresponsible and illegal. You can be prosecuted for this and with cause.

I have been riding at those stables and it really is rather a disappointment. I don't think the animals have a particularly nice life - always tethered in boxes, confined - no real space for them to exercise when not in lessons. There is a terrific stables out in Chelsfield, but you need a car to get there. The animals have lots of space and you can take them out for a hack in the fields too - not just structured lessons. Horse riding by the sea in Ireland with the wind in your hair - paradise!

As well as being fully clothed in a boiler suit (compulsary uniform for shapely au pair)and being draped in child's duvet cover - the draped effect can look great in a painting... clearly!

Passes note to Ana insisting that she wear a pair of old boots...

Why don't we close Lordship Lane to traffic one weekend, cover it with sand - say from the roundabout up to the post office, and have a great big beach party? I could wear my white bikini! We could have a steel band and a real carnival atmosphere.

No, indeed lovely Keef. It does not.

Arranges a 'still life' composition on chaise in front of CitizenEd - consisting of enormous handbag, Blackberry mobile phone, car keys from the Audi Q7 (I just love my car), bar of Fry's Chocolate Cream, bunch of grapes, and enormous naturally blonde au pair, draped in Batman duvet cover.