dulwichmum

Whispers: "I'd really rather not if you don't mind. I have just arranged for his donkey to be removed to a donkey santuary - in Australia. I should imagine he would be rather upset if he found out it was me."

Takes photos from handbag, - "whispers let me show you some snaps"... Asks "Do you like my tan? I got it in a booth! The sun puts years on the skin darling..."

Oh Mr MacGabhann, darling I have missed you so, do have some fudge...

Wanders into super new revamped lounge. Smiles to self - thinks, "all is familiar..." Releases small dog from handbag - points long perfectly manicured finger at Michael. Watches dog leap onto Mr Plopalots lap and sink his teeth into front of his trousers. Looks at Mr MacGabhann and whispers - "darling, you should know better - there is never any reason to be coarse!" Takes bottle of St Veran from fridge and sits with Mr MacGabhann to observe the side show!

You are all such darlings! I have indeed been to Bedruthan Steps, in Cornwall. We try to holiday before the state schools break up as then the roads become positively congested then with dreadful people carriers. My blonde au pair was spotted by a reporter body boarding on Saturday off the coast of Newquay and due to her expanding waistline it has been claimed that a Great White was frolicking in the area! It has been on the news for the last couple of days. I strapped some chicken giblets to the under side of her board this morning before we left just to check for any "preditors" in the locality, so I can safely say there are no sharks currently in Cornwall. Though I must admit that Ana was badly nibbled by a shoal of herring...

West Dulwich is very green and picturesque. There is a super bus service into central London (the number 3) and you can easily pick up the tube from Brixton which is a 10 minute bus ride away (God help us all). The train from West Dulwich goes into Victoria (one tube stop to Sloane Square - the only central London place to shop) and also Blackfriars - which is the city and business district. West Dulwich has a lovely cafe culture with several of super restaurants and bars, but it is much more "refined" and "sedate" than East Dulwich. It is easy to get to East Dulwich from here. Dulwich is a super place to live, please be sure to come and see us.

Mr Bob and Mr Keef! I am so disappointed in your definitions. Yummy Mummy = MILF!

Yes indeed Jah Lush, you hold him down and I shall get my handbag...

Oh Asset! Do you like it? It really is a favourite of mine! That is a super swimsuit you are wearing. Where did you buy it?

Flicks fan open to conceal face in a bashful manner. Well hello there cowboy...

Arrives in Rancho Relaxo, blushes when sees the photo on the calendar. You boys know how very modest I am! Slips off shoes to reveal newly painted toe nails. Walks to the bar and opens a small bottle of cold Moet. Pops in a straw... cheers boys.

Mr Jah Lush! Well how did you know? But only for the weekend!

Oh clear off or I shall set my dog on you...

Dear Mr Domitianus, I am a wife and mother, and so very modest! I save myself for my husbands eyes only... Lovely Mr MacGabhann, now you know I am not a "thinking person," I love spangles and feathers - cotton is just not me!

Oh I see now, sorry Mr Bob! Perhaps I am hormonal at the moment... Darling Dominiatus, here is a link to my underwear... (well it is only mid week, and I have been at work today!)

Darling Mr Bob, I am indeed a very Yummy Mummy and I have a full time job as well as being a mummy. The reason I work is because my darling children are such very hard work. I have so much respect for all the full time mothers - especially those who are now entertaining their little ones for the long school holidays. Indeed I am pampered and terribly well turned out (even my underwear is simply divine). I must admit your earlier post made me giggle, because I sense such bitterness in your tone. You poor man!

Passes large frothy glass of lucozade to Sean. Pops a straw in the glass and puts furry throw accross his knees. Plumps large Hungarian goose down pillow and puts it behind his head. Shakes fist at Dominatrix...

Is it only me or did anyone else think that photo of Helen Lederer was simply dreadful? Last month she was in Dulwich Life magazine, and she looked happy and life like. A normal pretty woman of her age. In the Living South she looked so airbrushed that she was unrecognisable. Why did they do that?

Congratulates Domitianus on her impending addition to her family as she is escorted from the quiet room by police. Tucks leaflet on the benefits of breastfeeding into her handbag before tossing it into the back of the police car as she throws her legs about in the manner of Lily Savage in a lap dancing club. Signs large cheque towards police pension fund. Pats hands together in the manner of "a job well done". Trots back into quiet room to buy drinks for all of chums...

Oh Mr SimonM, It is just the way American Vogue constantly refers to the French as effortlessly stylish, I think the ladies of London are far more stylish. We spent several holidays driving around Europe before we were married, and I always hated driving over the border from Germany to France. My husband loved the autobahn as there were no speed restrictions and he could appreciate the speeds that some cars are built to achieve (sigh). I despise the French toilet tissue. That is surely their biggest offense. And in agreement with Ant, I witnessed some of those dreadful "hole-in-the-ground-horrors" just last summer.

I never understand why Americans have such respect for the French. Their roads are the pits (drive over the border from Germany to France and you notice immediately) but their toilet paper is completely barbaric, no better than baking parchment - and even today, a proportion of their conveniences consist of a porcelain hole in the ground - a dreadful place France. They smoke in your face in their filthy restaurants, and the women in Paris all seem to drag small doglets along on strings through the streets - in an effort to trip you on your nose. If you ask me the only good thing to come out of France is Petit Bateau underwear for the children, and of course Aubade underwear for the grown ups. Yes I love Chablis and Champagne, but give me a nice clean toilet and a roll of Andrex any day of the week. At least the Americans have nice toilets.

Indeed Cowhide, get a life!

Sean MacGabhann is a King among men, and I could not agree with him more. I am not going to rise to this arguement because it is completely beneath me, feeding a baby at the breast is not only environmentally friendly and tailor made by the mother for each childs exact requirements, but it is also beneficial to the mothers health and the development of the childs immune system. We should all support any woman who wishes to breast feed - along with those who do not.

Expresses feelings of sadness and embarassment as Mr Domitianus is escorted from the quiet room by the Administrator and some rather attractive police men for passing urine in a bottle in a public place. Gushes "It was my civic duty to inform the police". Dutifully signs witness statement while shedding a tear on attractive police mans shoulder and pointing to evidence (half empty Evian bottle containing straw coloured fluid next to Domitianus' chair). Thinks to self, "How I love Assam tea with no milk" and is grateful that facial muscles will not allow expression of personal satisfaction on face. "Oh how I would laugh if I could just move my face..."

Sits quietly in corner behind Japanese screen, hopes no one will laugh at recent cosmetic enhancement... Puts on large sunglasses and walks to accept kind cup of coffee from Mr MacGabhann. Tries to smile - unable to change facial expression. Wonders if anyone will think I look rejuvinated...