dulwichmum

I shall pop along to sample their Assam on the morrow, but I certainly think it sounds overpriced. I love the Pret-a-Portea at The Berkley which I admit is ?34 for afternoon tea, but it is in Mayfair, on Paul Smith bone china, and they have to roll me from the premises to lie down in a waiting 4x4 to drive me home with my bulging doggy bag, so I feel it is worth it. I should expect that for ?15 a pop on Lordship Lane - they could provide a table laiden with all manner of pastries and savouries. In the name of God, this is cheese and egg on bread we are talking about!

Gratefully accepts offerings from chums. Looks around and asks quietly; "Has anyone seen Mr Mockney lately?" Encourages little dog back inside handbag...

Did someone mention Batdog?

Actually on second thoughts - it is a shade more like Pompei than I would like... To think I have had my dry cleaning done on Lordship Lane (not my ball gowns or couture - clearly, they go to Scobies in the Village) for years! I shall rethink my Saturdays from now on unless the tone around SE22 lifts itself back out of the gutter soon! Have you noticed the discussion on THAT other thread?

*Takes electric cattle prod from enormous handbag and puts it on table beside pepper spray* *Takes nail file from bag and begins to sharpen small dogs teeth...*

Oh yes Mr Mockney Piers, hide behind your innocent explanations now! Ironic is it? I have Fr O'Connor on speed dial... Your plans for a Roman Catholic wedding are in shreds can I assure you, you can consider yourself not even welcome at a Roman Catholic Funeral for your clearly animalistic tendencies! The dead are not even safe in their coffins!

*Totters back into the quiet room. Pulls arm chair into new position (with back to the wall). Looks around in horror.* *Mutters "Filthy b*s****s" quietly to self and looks around suspiciously.* *Takes can of pepper spray from enormous handbag and places on coffee table beside chair.*

OHMYGOD! Actually, I have just looked up munging - Mr Mockney Piers, and I am sending the police over to your house right now. The public should be protected from the likes of you. FILTH! I can't get that image out of my head now. I am going to lie down. I have just decided that I definitely want to be cremated.

You filthy articles! I have been working hard all week, never touching the internet for fear of being issued with my P45. This morning the sun was up, I trip down the stairs and log on to see what my chums have been talking about, and here you all are... How very shameful of you! I shall tell Fr O'Connor on the lot of you with your Biffins Bridge and your seagul/munging/feltching type discussions. I have noted the names, and shall slap your legs - the lot of you, on the next forum night out. Necrophilia? In the name of God, are the dead are not even safe in East Dulwich now? It is a slippery slope... If it is not Michael and his lactation/nipple fixation - you will be organising midnight trips to the graveyard on Wood Vale next with pink fluffy handcuffs!

*Wakes up with a start.* *Sends crate of Pinot Noir (Champagne) to Mad World 74.* *Texts au pair to remove dreadful children...*

Indeed you sweet darlings, East Dulwich is a sweet vibrant little melting pot. It is certainly not posh, and it will never be Peckham! OHMYGOD! I shop for cheese over there...

Help yourself, it is in my handbag...

Arrrghhhh............ In the name of God!!!

*Jumps up with a start* *Shrieks* "In the name of God and all of his Saints and Angels! Can't you see me sleeping here?" *Falls back asleep in the manner of Father Jack... Whispers to lovely Jah - I am working very hard at the moment, I pop in when I can;-)

Darling Marmora Man, Here, have a Bendicks Bittermint!

Indeed Mr Bald Marauder, every girl that wants one should have a pet. I suppose I think that Miss Strictteacher would be less angry if there was some joy in her life... LuvPeckham darling, well clearly!

*Sits up suddenly in super soft armchair.* *Raises Champagne glass to chums (hic)...* *Slouches back into chair*

Lovely AB, I have been resisting writing on this thread because I know rather a number of people who have similar opinions and attitudes, and it is rather tragic. This person is angry with the world because she has lost her opportunity to have a family and she hates everyone. It is for this exact scenario that God invented cats and rabbits. Feed the feline regularly and stock up on batteries MISS Strictteacher...

Darling Mockney, I have often thought that you bear a striking resemblance to the young Alan Ruck.

Well, it is funny you have asked this, because I have been asked this question by someone else recently and so have given it some thought... How about Wendi Peters - with the body of Liz Hurley!

Glances up over the top of copy of The Sunday Times and scowls. Reaches into enormous handbag and removes small granade. Removes pin carefully in order to preserve perfect manicure. Hurls incendiary device at donkey... Rushes from quiet room. Cries: "It was for the best - the man is obsessed with lactation" as is escorted out front door by attractive police man... Signs enormous check for police retirment fund as vice squad officers flood into quiet room - escorting Mr Popalot away in enormous dark vehicle with no window. Sits in fav chair and texts au pair to bring another bottle of Saint Veran...

Oh darling Mr Batdog! Indeed, sometimes even I doubt I have met "the one" when I see your name printed on one of the forum threads - my soul mate!

Dear Mr Palaeologus, I think you have not met the one yet... If you had, you would still be together! I have met "the one," and that will not change so long as there is a bank in the city of London. He will not leave me for anyone else (have you noticed the size of recent divorce settlements?) and I am deeply in love. He is very rich and powerful, all of the other mothers at the school gates are in envy of me, (sigh), even the children's dried up old piano teacher is seething with jealousy.

*Stands up from aubergine velvet arm chair and takes enormous pile of Razzles from handbag to distract Mr Popalopagus.* *Walks outside and points to coffee table just inside the door.* *Watches as Michael scampers inside abandoning donkey chum.* *Smiles to self as enormous Russian gentlemen escort donkey into horse box so that she can be removed to a place of safety.* *Unleashes little Batdog from handbag in order to ensure that Mr Popalopagus is kept busy while the donkey is escorted to a secret address in Australasia.* Growling and screaming is heard from the quiet room...

Oh Mockney, how you have cheered me up this mornng! I increased the water level by 14 metres, and as a result Peckham, Stockwell, New Cross, great swathes of Lewisham and Brixton were submerged! I am off home from work right now to collect my 4x4 and turn on the light bulbs and central heating. I intend to increase my carbon footprint forthwith! Just think what global warming can do for south east London property values!!!