Michael Palaeologus

They have giant tortoises in the very large walled site that is the British Embassy in Addis Ababa. You drive through the turmoil and chaos that is the city, enter a small high walled security compund and then drive into ... Surrey. The embassy covers the side of a large hill and is completely walled. It has been British for about 200 years and has been preened and nurtured and turned into the grounds of an English country manor. It even has a pet cemetary for the pooches of the Ambassadors - "Here lies Mr Wiffles, beloved chocolate Labrador and faithful servant of Empire. Trampled to death by a stampeding Tortoise. 1862". There are about 6 giant tortoises that amble about the place. There are road signs asking people to be curteous to the riders of ponies and to the giant tortoises. I was asked not to feed the giant tortoises as they get fat. How you could tell was beyond me.

Well, yes. That would seem to be how the ODA have set things up. Its not a "peoples" games at all. Its a "if you can afford the tickets come along, if not, watch the telly like all the other plebs" games. Nowt to do with me. However, given that, the people looking for accommodation will not be poor. They may well be able to get to London for pennies now, but not during the Olympics, when prices will be stagged. The "demand" argument will be used to push all bus, train and flight prices through the roof. Hopefully, somebody will think to open some campsites near the games so that there will be some cheaper places to stay. However, lets not forget that the "economic situation bequeathed to us by the last administration" will yet again be trotted out as an excuse for milking people outrageously thus excluding those with limited incomes.

This is all getting a bit holier than thou. Its not like the people paying are without a bob or two, we arent talking about proverty stricken students wanting to get into a gig. We are talking about wealthy, middle class tourists who can afford the ridiculous cost of the tickets for the Olympics, the inflated cost of flights and the costs associated with a holiday in London. I am no sports fan. I wasnt a supporter of the Olympics, the argument that the games generates economic generation is fatuous. if the money spent on the games had been invested in social housing and economic development work, the same impact would have been had at less cost and hassle. To add insult to injury we have had to pay the costs of developing the site - twice! Once through general taxation and then again through an additional levy on London Council taxes. So, if you dont want to watch the games, dont want to put up with the disruption caused by the games and want to avoid the gallons of dribble produced by excitable sports fans - go on holiday and rent your place out, get back some of your money that has been spent on this huge item of niche interest.

There is a tortoise sanctuary in Provence, really. I have visited it. They take in injured wild european tortoises. They often have lumps of their shells chopped out by hover-mowers. These are repaired using glass-fibre, they are not returned to the wild but used in breeding programmes. Pet tortoises are of the African variety. In France these cause problems because they can escape and cross breed with the wild variety, so threatening the european form of the animal. African and half breed tortoises are looked after, but not allowed to breed. They are in two big enclosures separated by a fence of chicken wire. In one enclosures are they boys, in the other the girls. They gather at the fence, gazing at each other. The sexual tension was palpable. Around them european tortoises are at it like (slow) rabbits. Not so them. I was tempted to leap in and tear the fence down, "Copulate tortoises! you are not captives, you are free sexual beings, get at it". Sadly their lack of speed would have made this an opportunity unlikely to be seized. So I went back to my camp site and counted my blessings.

"What door?"

Still. England Champions, triple crown, grand slam. Shoe in now.

*Totters over to wobbly table, pours 2 cups of exquisite coffee. Totters onwards, Moos bound* *Hands over coffee cup. Settles beside Moos. Sits back, gazing dazedly at far wall* "I must straighten Mrs Dobbin's memorial plaque but not now. My head hurts. Bad people in The Gowlett. Bad people"

*Wakes up feeling somewhat stiff (not in a good way) in the comfy velver arm chair, tattered copy of Razzle in one hand, empty bottle of Port in the other* *There is a whiff of aniseed* "Splendid, I see Hugenut is recently back from distantly flung parts of the Empire. Smells that way." "Morning old boy. I would offer you some Port, but some rotter seems to have swigged it all in my sleep. Why are your specs wearing a dress? Is this required in the Levant for purposes of public morality?" "Where's Mockney's Monkey? I need a pot of tea"

*Nods in appreciation* "Good work Wise-One" *Opens the port - Warres Warrior, young but splendid .... proffers* "Anybody?" "Who has the cheese? Somebody must have been to Moo-town today. Shirley?"

*Ambles in, loosens bow tie and cumberbund. Slips into aged, velvet armchair* *Sips a G&T ... Plymouth with lime* "Whats this? Down the side of the chair" "Ah yes, the historic copy of Razzle with Dulwichmum's earliest attempt of fame for all to see" "It still has the stains of Donkey lactation on it" "Those were the days" *Stands up, pulls grubby hankie from pocket, walks to north wall and polishes the plaque that hangs there, at a slight angle* "In Memoriam. Mrs Dobbin. Much loved lactating Donkey of these parts. Slaughtered by Dulwichmum. Graze in peace* "Snuffle, sob"

We need an Actuary for that one.

Billy Hague is sending a tug and a Dakota to bring our people home.

You would be most welcome Mr Lush ...

Thank you Regalia. Very useful.

What a strange and disturbing twist this thread has taken. Therefore: Surely "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here" beckons? The Libyan people would like nothing more than to see old Gadaffi with a Kangaroo's dinkle down his throat with Ant and Dec leering over his shoulder.

Theoretically Cyprus could be used to impose a no-fly zone albeit with air to air refuelling, but the RAF has lost so much capability it would be difficult to sustain it over time. More importantly, the days when the UK could politically impose its will in such as way are long, long gone and rightly so. I suspect that any western led intervention would simply provide a rallying point for the Gadaffi regime and would be counter productive. An Arab led intervention would be better, but most of the neighbouring Arab countries have their own problems. I fear the Libyans are on their own.

Stop this everybody. Legalbeagle and Brum you are most welcome B)

:-S

Without the Royals as head of state we would have some political tosser as head of state. "President Blair"? No thanks. Our current position means that we have an entirely powerless Head of State, which is an entirely satisfactory situation. Who else has a President? France, USA, Syria, Italy and a bunch of other basket case economies and bad sorts. Do we wish to join that club? No. God Save the Queen and all who sail in her!!

I see now. If somebody replies to a post further up the thread then it has the subject title of that earlier post. On a thread such as this the subject title changes every month. Reply to a post from previous months and the post will appear at the end of the thread but with the earlier subject title. Spooks12 replied to a post from over a year ago; but you already knew that

The subject of the enormous quantity of young Mothers has often been discussed. They are to be congratulated on their fertility.

I suggest that those that are opposed to the aged, anti-democratic and dictatorial regime imposed on the East dulwich Forum should gather at Goose Green traffic island and refuse to leave until there is regime change. Down with this sort of thing!! To the barricades!! Storm the gates of William Rose!! I will provide moral support from my sofa. I have a sore neck.

So, where next? We havent been to Omrith for 12 months. Omrith is next to the Forest Hill Tavern. For the date I suggest Monday 21 March - this with the aim of cycling through the days of the week so that SOME people might be able to shoe horn us into their busy social diaries and so avoiding any outbreaks of flouncing in otherwise respectable wine-bars.

She is such a fibber. Last night she said she had a note from her Mum because of her athletes feet and she hasnt and wasnt and we saw her playing with some other boys in that Green 'n Blue and she was drinking that White Lighting.

"Anymore like this and we will be at Jaflong next month and you will be forced to eat the Naga!" .......... HYENA STYLEE ..