Patient: Doctor, I?ve got this terrible pain in my arse. Doctor: Drop your trousers and bend over. Hmm, it looks like you?ve got a lettuce leaf protruding from your sphincter. I?ll pull it out. And there?s another. And another. Patient:ARGHGHGHGH! The pain is terrible! Is there much more? Doctor: I?m sorry to tell you, but I think this is just the tip of the iceberg.... Welcome To The Psychiatric Hotline! If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn?t matter which number you press. No one will answer.