Ted Max

South Africa has cut a swathe through India, going eleven games unbeaten. Sachin Tendulkar's miserable run of low scores has persuaded him to hang up his box. Roloef van der Merwe's thesis on arts-led regeneration strategies for provincial cities and large towns was published to universal acclaim. Sanjay Manjrekar called it "visionary and inspirational". South Africa's cricket board responded to this success by firing the coach, the coach driver, the captain and all the junior selectors. Cricket in the country is now to be run by Gerald Warner, a retired long-line fisherman from Durban.

What a way to end the Olympics. What would be the 2012 equivalent?

They played Final Countdown as overtime began at the Olympics hockey. Guilty pleasure. Steve Cram has looked very uncomfortable hosting the hockey coverage tonight. Mainly because one of his panel is a Lincolnshire potato farmer pretending to be Matthew Pinsent. I liked it when Cram the marathon for the first time, without (he said) doing much training. He ran it in 2:38. "That's amazing" said Sue Barker. "Well I am quite talented," he said. Quite. Anyway, PGC. You are aware that the emu has wings?

Ratty, what is the trail with Chanrai and Gaydamak? It seems Chanrai went to court in Israel to get Gaydamak's accounts unfrozen so he could be paid money he was owed after successfully suing Gaydamak over a business deal. He then put that money straight into PFC, with an option to acquire the club if it was not paid back (as he must have known it would not be). Now the club is in Admin. How does this help Chanrai? (and if anyone says "money laundering" - please explain how that works as I am an idiot)

Just pointing out where Fuschia's info came from, as it relates directly to the consultation. (which I have taken part in, yes)

"Have left milk on kitchen table. Can you put in fridge? xxx PS sorry about last night. I am an arse. xxx"

Cheers Horsebox. I'll put it towards my anti-dog Gestapo uniform. (the Woofen SS)

Davidh, dear, you might have got that all wrong, darling. Still, I wouldn't waste the small amount of free time you have worrying your pretty little head about it. 3. Education Events: Flag the Poo: Two 'Flag the Poo' events took place at Goose Green between March and July 2009. 'Flag the Poo' is a campaign that uses bright orange flags as a way of highlighting the incidence of dog fouling. Events are targeted in areas where dog fouling is known to be an issue. Education leaflets on dog fouling are subsequently distributed to local households. 40 amounts of dog litter were counted at an event held on June 22, 2009 37 amounts of dog litter were counted at an event held on March 2, 2009

"HonaloochieB, Your bacon is beautifully cooked. The bread is soft and contrasts with the crispness of the bacon. Buuut, I could have done with more sauce to hold it all together. Such a shame." "Mmmmyyeahhhh, I like it. It's bacon, and then it's bread, and then it's the tangy finish of the HP. You, my friend, have the potential to go a long way in this competition."

"HonaloochieB has taken a six month break from his job as a badger gasser to follow his dream of opening a cucumber relish parlour in Brixton market. But is he set for the stress of a professional kitchen?"

"It is tedious to tell again tales already plainly told" - Homer (not that one)

* Guffaws at self. Wiggles finger in up to second knuckle. *

Yeah, I hear you love a bit of pork of a mornin' You should see me bacon bits I like it hard on the edges and soft in the middle Bacon is a preserved salted pork product mainly produced in industro-cultural farms modelled on the Peregrinian notion of absolute need.

if you can't get it in Peckham you won't get it anywhere This still holds true too, in many respects. Ahem.

Yep. It works Doesn't look right, though. Fuckme shoes. I suppose it might as in, "Fuckme shoes are hurting." But that's not what you were after. Ohhh look, Cash in the Attic. Bye.

fuckme might work.

REELLY HAAARRRRRD. http://www.timesonline.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00688/muirhead_585_688393a.jpg

Really Haarrrrrrrd!

Careful, Jah. Boris might have your address and phone number to hand.

A photo montage of the pub's Christmas Eve party from 12 years ago still hangs behind the bar. Maureen... Maureen. She sees you looking. "Time please," she says. "Time."

First they came for the homepaths, and I did not speak out?

Dave says you should get yourself checked out just to be sure. You get a round in. Dave orders a red wine.

The winner of the 3:30 at Kempton is circled using the landlord's biro, but never backed. On busy nights, you notice that you will wait until "your" space at the urinal is free. Someone asks you what the food is like. You realise you have never eaten the pub's food, although Maureen occasionally does you up two ham rolls on a Saturday. You have known Smudger for 20 years and know two things about him. He says he is married, and lives up the back of Tescos.

1) Blair did not kick ball out at re-start, Is there any clarity on this? I thought it likely he could be penalised for deliberately kicking it out, and I don't think you can end a game with a restart in any case.

Own should never have gone to Real Madrid. The harder pitches were no good for his hamstrings.