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Ted Max

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Everything posted by Ted Max

  1. Some rice. Several cookbooks, PHD thesis and international treaties dedicated to cooking same. Catering sized bag of crisps with only Cheeze and Onion flavour bags left in it.
  2. "Of course, you realise when she's 18 I'm likely to still be single, and only in my mid-forties." (twiddle moustache) "I'd love to. It would be great to have someone to take along to the local mum'n'toddler groups; there's some fierce MILF talent just waiting to be tapped up there." "Godfather yeah? Cool. Rock up about church o'clock yeah? Say the vows? Hit the champers. Job's a good 'un. I can make a speech if you like. My improv at Jez's 30th went down a storm, right."
  3. Perhaps a projection of half a dozen 20ft high policemen and a couple of spaniels in "StayWarm" booties onto the wall?
  4. Yeah. Brits out (of minor public art planning decisions)!
  5. You know why customer service operatives adopt false names. It's got nothing to do with avoiding traceability. Your annoyance is a result of being made an unwilling part of a charade that you feel demeans both parties, I would suggest.
  6. There's no need for it, is there? Algernon, Valentine and Beauregard are much better slave names. (EDIT: Can someone shut the bold tag door, or something?)
  7. The larders of East Dulwich The murky brine in an opened jar of capers. The earthernware mustard pot, with its soiled ribbon and spent spew of red wax. The meat hooks that never were annointed with whole hams. Packets of yeast that will leaven no dough. The unopened jars of home-made chutney that neither of you liked, despite you following the recipe exactly. The note pinned to the larder door. "You have broken my heart."
  8. Not booked for Christmas. Not booked for high season in July and August. Huge discounts for Feb and March. Have a heart, admin. McCloud's due back for the catch-up show this summer and if lettings don't pick up then Amanda/ Boo's Mum/ Suzy/ Samantha isn't going to look good admitting that they've had to make ends meet by hiring the chateau out as a set for gay porn movies.
  9. Some resident vanguards, yesterday. http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2009/6/8/1244463064467/Vans--Securicor-guards-si-007.jpg
  10. He should never have split when he did. He certainly slipped up there. Although it was bad luck running into the peelers. Wearing his costume to court was stupid as well. Perhaps he was still mashed up?
  11. It causes him irratage.
  12. Should have gone to the ashram.
  13. Have you seen my collection of vintage denim? That's really cool.
  14. I've just seen this thread. Drown me in huge guffaws and call me Helen, but this character (if that's what it is) is nothing to do with me. Nor is any other "character" poster. Bloody hell.
  15. Grow a moustache or not, Jack. Coolness, or what other people think, should have nothing to do with it. Cool people are fuckboring anyways.
  16. I'm an expert on 18th century regimental uniforms, decant cheap port into a claret jug which I display on my sideboard, and list "my moustaches" as an interest in my College alumni magazine. My friend Jeremy, who I hate, doesn't have a moustache but does have a tremendous set of buggers grips that I am jealous of.
  17. Keach. Throughout November, the industry I work in was full of preening chaps called Hugo growing moustaches for "Movember". It was tremendous fun.
  18. The Chap - a festival of try-hard smuggery, a dismal disengagement from reality peddled by the sort of people who wore their gowns to lectures at "Uni", often with an ornamental sword tucked inside their belt (which of course was a college tie). Good luck with that, RosieH.
  19. Oh hello, daizie. Is something up?
  20. Day 44: By the stars, but hibernation is boring. Especially as it turns out our tribe's rich tradition of oral narrative extends to just one particularly unlikely creation myth involving the magical arrival of the First Clansman from inside a washed up whale on the Great East Beachhead, and his subsequent copulations with a convenient host of willing sealmaidens. I'm afraid hearing Grunewald the Elder crank up the roll-call of our 4,000-year Seal Clan lineage for the thirteenth time was too much for Iolanthe, and she left the cave shortly after the Feast of the Final Mussel to try her luck in the Great Other. She took the last of the razor clam jus with her as well, so we're on freeze-dried seaweed till the spring now. Tamara has a severe cough, caused by the six weeks of unescaped smoke that has built up inside the cave. We medicate her with fresh condensings from the still, but the potion is raw and causes temporary blindness so she is covered in bruises from constantly walking into the cave walls. If this keeps up I'm afraid she is unlikely to be elected as the Maid of the Cave on Fire Night, but I haven't had the heart to break that to her yet. Also, I'm afraid my sealskin undercrackers are beginning to chafe where they've got a bit clogged. Isolde said I should rub some gannet bile onto the affected parts, but I'm not convinced.
  21. http://wimp.com/knownuniverse This is beautiful. The known universe in space and time, and back again, in five minutes. The film was put together by the American Museum of Natural History and the Rubin Museum of Art. Posted it here because I'm not sure where else to put it.
  22. Did you name him after Mary-Beth's long-suffering husband? He has something of the same haunted look about him. http://www.bookmice.net/darkchilde/candl/cagney/cluj31.jpg
  23. You'll have been more times than Keef, then.
  24. These NornIrons are crazy. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-1234340/Under-QPR-manager-Jim-Magilton-faces-axe-headbutt-Akos-Buzsaky-threatens-press-charges.html? Magilton reacted furiously to that, and allegedly butted the 27-year-old midfielder. He did not draw blood but it was serious enough, Sportsmail understands, for burly striker Patrick Agyemang to feel compelled to intervene and separate the two men. Witnesses say Agyemang then squared up to his manager and condemned him for what was an unprovoked act of violence. Magilton is then said to have asked him if he wanted the same treatment, and it was only when Agyemang said he would like to see him try that the Ulsterman backed off.
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