daizie

A PAIR OF KNICKERS makes an ideal snack for a moderately hungry wierdo

SHOPPERS. When you have finished and are leaving the supermarket, kindly offer your shopping list to people who are going in, as they may have forgotten to make one.

LOL . He had a pointy head and ears ( not visible in his pic). Tonights *dish* says he's 6 ft4 so expecting a giant freak .

womanofdulwich Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > crystal palace athletics tomorrow- probably in the > rain............:( Ooo i would have liked this *lunch box watch* seriously, athletics are good I have two dates (from the internet) will let you all know how they go .

ORDINARY people. Make yourselves feel more important by carrying a bugle everywhere you go and sounding it before you enter.

SAVE MONEY on expensive hole punches by goading a Great Dane into snapping at you while you slip the appropriate documents between its foaming canines. It may help to make a pencil mark halfway along the edge, and try to line this up with the cleft in the dog's top lip.

Pub landlords - convince your customers that you aren't an alcoholic by walking round with a mug of coffee for the first twenty minutes after opening.

ALWAYS keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide out.

PIGS. Avoid having your head on a dinner table by not eating whole apples.

Hahaha love it :))

My friends motto is 'follow the bomb' she says she always gets cheap holidays after a natural or man made disaster

Question-Are grey squirrels not just old red squirrels?

WIG wearers. Secure your toupee in high winds by wearing a brightly coloured party hat with elasticated chin strap. Carry a balloon and a bottle of wine and you'll pass off as an innocent party-goer.

waynetta Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > Toblerone out on it's own > Triangular chocolate > That's Toblerone > Made from Triangular almonds from triangular > trees > and triangular honey from triangular bees > and oh my confectioner please > give me Toblerone > > And of course, as already mentioned, they are > great as toast racks for Ritz crackers and bike > racks for performing mice. PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.

CONVERT black labrador dogs into seals by feeding them pastries, sweets and cakes, starving them of exercise, slipping a pair of black socks onto their front paws and smearing their coats in vaseline. Then encourage them to balance a beach ball on their nose in return for fish-shaped dog biscuits.

Experience the thrills of a skiing holiday without the expense. Simply sellotape two planks of wood to your feet, sit in your freezer for three hours, then run into a tree as fast as you can.

MINIMISE the risk of breaking your arm by avoiding swans wherever possible.

Be a holiday clown. Step out of the lonely you, and don a wig. Make one from a mop or newspaper strips if you wish. Add baggy clothes in bright colors, and paint your face.

a usewd condom filled with water and left on a radiator makes an ideal and inexpensive lava lamp

Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding under the covers.

BOILED EGGS cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make ideal miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs.

Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears, talking gibberish and singing all the time.

LORRY DRIVERS. Save pounds by spending less on pornography and axes to kill women with

OLD LADIES. A dab of silver model aircraft paint transforms repulsive facial warts into fashionable piercings.

No waynetta OWNERS OF mouse circuses. A Toblerone bar makes an ideal bike rack for your display team's motorcycles when they are not in use.