To Pay or Not To Pay...?

[tallulah71]

Right. I have recently started dating. Not something I'm used to having always been in long term relationships - usually with men who have been introduced to me by other mates. I am now conducting a survey as to whether I should offer to pay for anything or not - because recently, I was told by a bloke that he feels bad if a woman offers to pay. Another (female) friend said, "if you offer to pay now, you'll always pay and he'll have no respect for you". Other female friends have voiced the same opinion.

I was brought up to believe that if you earn, you do.....

another friend said "if he wants your company, he'll pay for it". Not sure what to do..Do I sit there waiting or do I offer to buy the next round. I have been on a date when the guy backed out the door upon arrival of the bill.

What is the form? I am a forward thinking gal with enough money to pay for a night out - but do I offer to...?

Any thoughts? I'm confused!!!:-S

[felt-tip]

1st date - dinner he pays, drinks after offer to buy a round but he should refuse.

2nd date - dinner he pays, drinks after buy a round or two

3rd date - go dutch

4th date - you pay and then alternate paying for meals thereafter if you're earning but he should pay for expensive places.

[ratty]

50 / 50

[DirtyBox]

Do what you do when you are out with mates, but if he offers to pay let him.

Last time I looked it was 2010 not 1920 so the idea that the man pays for everything is total crap, you want an equal relationship don't you?

[*Bob*]

tallulah71 Wrote:

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> another friend said "if he wants your company,

> he'll pay for it".

Has your other friend mistaken you for a prostitute?

[legalbeagle]

I might be reading too much into this, but a better question might be, what do you want to do? Start how you mean to go on. You earn money, you're not out to spend all of his just for the hell of it, you sound like you want to contribute and you sound like you have your own opinion. So do what you want to do, and hope he's open minded enough to take a generous offer for what it really is rather than take offence. And if he politely turns down your offer, so be it.

If he does take offence, is he really the man for you?

[stevebailey]

Personally I think you're looking at this all wrong......

For one, you're fully expecting this guy to be a nice, gentleman like fella who is going to be great company and pay for everything all night.

An example of what you're not expecting was conveyed to me on one of my first dates with my now partner, who after a reasonably OK first date some years ago, proceeded to watch the guy use the calculator on his phone to work out the tip.....nothing too harsh there, but then divide by two and explain her half was XYZ.

The only opinion is yours, go on the date, expect what you expect and offer is you wish to offer, personally I would appreciate the offer to pay half of dinner, however would decline it, getting the first round in afterwards would just make me think you were a cool girl who isn't a money grabbing princess who expects everything to be bought for her.

There is enough pressure on a first date/second date/third date as it is without throwing expenditure into the mix!

Just go and have fun! You never know, the guy could be a secret millionaire!

[tog_in_sox]

Concur with DB,lb and sb. In these enlightened times, don't be leading him on by making him pay. Some other things to consider at all times:

1) If he chooses the venue then expect him to pay BUT if during the date you don't think it's going to work out then offer to go dutch.

2) If you know/establish that he's not flush with cash then be prepared to go Dutch. BUT if he tries to stick you with the bill then you'd better fancy him rotten to stop you from walking right then, just make sure you fancy him for the right reasons.

3) If you'd like to go on another date with him then before the bill arrives say how lovely a time you've had and it'll be your treat next time. That way he'll be encouraged to pay and hope to see you again.

4) If you had the courage to ask him out and choose the venue then expect to pay but don't insist if he offers to pay or go Dutch.

5) If it's just rounds in a bar then go Dutch so no expectations are encouraged as the fog of drunkenness descends (that's if you let yourself get in a state).

It troubles me that your lady friends were all pushing the "no respect" thing. Can only assume they've all dated some complete b@$tards. Any modern, well-mannered gent would only respect you more for offering to pay. It sets up a partnership dynamic of sharing rather than a dependency one. When it comes down to it go with how you appear to have been raised, if you want to be respected as an individual who's capable of making her own way in the World then behave like you can.

The "If he wants... ...he should pay" thing is even worse. I pity the girl who sincerely believes that because she's making herself nothing more than a mercenary and perhaps worse. There's nothing wrong with making him work for your affections in other ways but if it's all down to the amount of moolah he lays down he'd be better off taking a number from a card in a phone box than yours.

I wish you fun, luck and future happiness back in the dating game. Just stick up for what you know is right for you.

Happy hunting and Tally-Ho!

[Brendan]

Offer to pay or don?t just don?t be weird about it. Most blokes want to pay when they take someone out but won?t feel put out or threatened if the lady wants to.

None of it will make any difference.

If you want to see him again the important things are a decent cup of coffee and a bacon sandwich in the morning.

[sophiesofa]

I've never been bought dinner on a first or early stages date :( Now I feel I've missed out - how silly of me!

tallulah, don't worry about it and just offer to pay half and see what happens. Have a great time.

[????]

I want to be an equal not a patrician, and I'm tapping on...amazing to me it's the 21st Century and yet people are even talking about this.

[Brendan]

So if you go out with a mate and pay for dinner are you being a patrician?

[????]

Nope, but if I do it two times in a row I am.

[*Bob*]

Depends on whether or not you get a knee-trembler in the Co-Op car park afterwards.

[Brendan]

I've probably done worse things for a free curry.

[????]

I wouldn't be seen dead having a knee trembler in the Co-op car park, Waitrose only

[PeckhamRose]

But make him pay for the jewellery.

Ohhhh yes.

[????]

*Waits for a *bob*'s pearl necklace joke*

[tallulah71]

LOL!! Thanks everyone...you've confirmed what I thought all along. (However, this is after years of being with someone who used to conveniently go and 'check out the DVD's' at the crucial till moment in Sainsbury's). Needless to say, he is no longer.

Will keep you posted....x

[HonaloochieB]

tallulah71 Wrote:

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> LOL!! Thanks everyone...you've confirmed what I

> thought all along. (However, this is after years

> of being with someone who used to conveniently go

> and 'check out the DVD's' at the crucial till

> moment in Sainsbury's). Needless to say, he is no

> longer.

Have an 'accident' did he?

[*Bob*]

Crushed by a toppling freestanding DVD display unit.. so I heard.

[tallulah71]

Oh that it were true....;-)

[daizie]

The man should pay . He should want to impress you . If he thinks going dutch is acceptable , pay your way, then dump him pronto. Go home to a good vibrator .

[stevebailey]

daizie Wrote:

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> The man should pay . He should want to impress you

> . If he thinks going dutch is acceptable , pay

> your way, then dump him pronto. Go home to a good

> vibrator .

Spoken like a true feminist!!! now get back in the kitchen luv!

[*Bob*]

Still single then, Daizie?