Getting dressed

[damzel]

My daughter will be 5 in 2 months and is still unwilling to dress herself. We've probably made a rod for our own backs as due to the morning rush to get her to childminder then nursery and now school, we've just got on with it and dressed her ourselves. This Christmas break I've made it a mission to get her dressing herself before school starts again. It's not that she can't, it's that she won't. But she frustratingly just pulls a little on her top or whatever and says "I can't, I can't". Drives us nuts!

Any tips to make her "want" to do it? Stickers/star charts etc. are not much good anymore. I've been leaving her to it and it's taken up to 2 hours so far and we've always resorted to a tiny bit of help. I'm sure she's messing with us!

[susyp]

no tips - my daughter is 4 1/2 and exactly the same. They make her put on her own tights after pe at school so I know she can do it. She won't even put on her own pants and i end up doing it as too tired in mornings to have the fight. I am not finding reward charts any use any more either. They are having to get changed fully for pe from next term so I am hoping that will help ! I am hoping it is just an age thing. i help out in her class and virtually all the boys just hold out their arms to have their coats put on at playtime - my daughter is one of less than half the class to put their own coats on! (not that she will do it at home).

I am not sure if this is a reception reaction - ie they are suddenly having to be so independent at school that it makes them regress at bit home??? As she is certainly a lot more "attached" to me since starting school. Honestly I turn around in the kitchen and she's right there behind me. Not independent in the least at home. And yet I know a lot of her friends get themselves dressed.

susypx

ps morning would be lovely if she would sort herself out!! I feel that we are improving since nursery when I used to have to chase her around the house to get dressed. She is at least willing now. To be dressed if not to dress herself. !

[damzel]

Thanks for sharing, always good to know there are others doing the same. Mine has had to get fully changed for PE since week 3 which I thought was a big ask. It's reassuring to know that she's unlikely to be the only one needing help.

We've had lots of problems similar to this in the past and have always eventually found the trigger that changes the behaviour, something that motivates her to want to do whatever it is. That's what I'm looking for here - some ideas to make getting dressed fun. I think tomorrow, I'm going to take all my clothes into her room and see if she's up for a race. That works for other things

[susyp]

that sounds like a brilliant idea! I use that for eating - sounds terrible but if I get her to race eating with her dad (another very slow eater) then we can be done within an hour.... They are so competitive at this age! She sounds very like my daughter . Good luck and post about how you get on!

susypx

[Dudley]

I just reply to this thread as a general 'thought for the day.'

I think we have all been in these situations with our young children.

but I read this article and got tough with my 3 year old.

It has made a big splash in the US. Very thought provoking, I think.

http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/books/2012/07/02/120702crbo_books_kolbert

[alice]

I know of a boy who found that 'getting dressed' had become his 2nd most powerful tool in the arsenal of controlling mum.

A plan was laid - ready or not he would be brought to school - turned up twice in pyjamas

problem sorted

[susyp]

Oh god I am controlled by a 4 year old!

Susypx

[Pickle]

My nearly 6 year old boy was terrible at getting dressed, and also was a very very slow eater. I doubted his ability to get changed for PE at school but when I mentioned it at parents evening was told that he was one of the fastest! Since starting year 1 I've noticed a huge change - he eats meals very quickly as at school they need to eat fast so they get plenty of time to play, and we make getting dressed in the morning a race (he shares a room with his reception aged sister) and most mornings it works well. The first dressed gets a sticker.

[FlorenceRedbird]

A race might work... I used to be responsible for getting my five year old brother dressed for school. He absolutely refused to do it himself, so I raced him. I had to race for each item of clothing (left sock, right sock, shirt etc...) otherwise he'd get bored and give up (or miss items out!). It worked every day.

[Mrs TP]

Little children love their mummy's (and / or daddy's) fussing over them and helping them. All of a sudden they are thrust out into the big wide world of nursery / reception where they are expected / teachers pray that at least some of them can do something for themselves and so the whole day isn't spent doing shoes, putting coats on etc.

I think it's not a big deal if they want help to get ready in the morning (even if you know they get on with it in school) as long as you know they can do it but are choosing not to. They all get there in the end and it speeds your morning up and reduces stresses if you take 2 mins out to dress them - that is as long as they don't decide to get undressed before you leave the house ...

We have plenty of time for more ridiculous / tedious family arguments than our 3yr old not dressing herself - she is all ready whilst I bicker with the older ones over packed lunches, homework, missing cardigans etc ...

[Fuschia]

Get dressed before breakfast or tv

Both get dressed together

Make sure clothes are loose and simple

Allow a lot of extra time

Dont step in and help

If she is very slow, take the outside layers such as socks, shoes, jumper and pop tg

By the front door then leave early ... As she gets to the door, if you

Pause to put your own shoes on, she should hurry

If she dilly dallies, just proceed slowly ... With my children, if I actually go out into the front garden they all cone hopping out after me dragging their coats and forcing their feet into their boots as they go

The trick at first is easy clothes though

Pull on trousers

Large polo shirt - age 6

Age 6 sweatshirt

Loose socks

[Dudley]

Hi Suspy,

She is probably not trying to control you, she probably needs some help and encouragement at first.

I know this might sound controversial but I really do think you need to encourage the smallies to do things themselves or else you are going to be running after them with gym gear and lunch boxes etc when they are older.

And then you have your 10 year old asking you to tie his laces.

Anyway, in terms of practical help I think it is great you are using this time to help her.

In the beginning I would get ready together. Does she like to choose her clothes herself, and underwear is pretty easy to put on herself.

You can always say, oh Mummy is putting her top on now, now its Juniors turn. Mummy is putting her trousers on now it is juniors turn. If she does it, lots of praise.

It is important to make clear that this happens before anything else like Fushia said. TV or breakfast.

After a while you I bet she will start to enjoy it.

I think if you invest the time now you will not be running after her when she is older.

I also love the idea of that child turning up in his pj's. Clearly a family that knew they had to stick by a threat once made.

I once brought my then 2.5 year old to playschool with no shoes as she refused to put them on.

This is not meant to sound competitive but I do take every opportunity to encourage my daughter to be independent.

She pretty much dresses herself and chooses her own clothes. She also puts her teddies on her bed ('make her bed.') before we go down stairs. I always get her to order in restaurants etc if possible. Sometimes I get her to pay.

I get her to help me set the fire at home (but not light it! We are not quite tribe like yet!)

If she forgets something like, water or a snack I never say 'Mummy forgot.' She forgot. If she forgets her own lunch when she is older that his her problem, not mine.

Again, and I am just using this as an example, I once heard a Mom say to her 3/4 year old after a class

Girl: Can I have some juice.

Mom: Oh no Mummy forgot it, that means you get an extra nice juice today:

Girl: Thanks.

I really think this was a learning opportunity missed. If a child wants juice after sports class, the child should remember to bring it.

So before you leave the house, for a very young child you can always get her to 'pack her bag for snacks or whatever.' And of course you can make suggestions at the beginning. But it is always small little steps.

I do think that young children especially love, love, love to help out and become independent.

And I do think we molly-coddle too much.

Good luck!

[Mrs TP]

Why not go the whole hog and get the child to book the sports class and drive the car there too!

[rachel83]

Dudley - I found your post very informative, thank you for sharing. I have been encouraging my 4 year old to be more responsible for packing her bottle of water and snacks in her own backpack before we go out. We haven't quite sorted out dressed on her own yet but hopefully that will come in time as she doesn't start school till September 2013 so it's not really too important just yet.

[juno]

Mrs TP Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Why not go the whole hog and get the child to book

> the sports class and drive the car there too!

HAHA!

My 3.5 yr old can get dressed by himself - I'm sure they all can if simple elasticated waist and t shirt tops kind of stuff - often he chooses not to though and it's one argument I'm really not going to have with him just now - understand more pressing need to as they get older. Surely just peer pressure and growing up sorts this one out? And probably is slower/harder for only/older siblings?

[damzel]

susyp Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> that sounds like a brilliant idea! I use that for

> eating - sounds terrible but if I get her to race

> eating with her dad (another very slow eater) then

> we can be done within an hour.... They are so

> competitive at this age! She sounds very like my

> daughter . Good luck and post about how you get

> on!

>

> susypx

Well we didn't race - I suggested that idea to her at bedtime but she said that it would be the one that dressed the slowest that would win, so I canned that! However, I did take all my clothes in her room this morning and we got dressed whilst singing and doing the actions to the Oki Koki with a "knees bend arm stretch" after each item was on! Worked a treat although I still had to help just a little, but after reading the other posts on this thread I am not quite so concerned about that now. All I want her to do is make an effort to try and get dressed, which she was point blank refusing to do before.

Try the race or oki koki Susypx and let me know how it works for you!

[susyp]

I think she'll see right through me if I try that so I am going to put my husband on to it on the days he has to get her dressed!

susypx

[BeccaL]

Tend to agree with Dudley, and also the 'ok, you can go to nursery in your pyjamas' take as well - if you threaten something you have to go through with it - but sure it won't be the first time nursery have seen that.

[etta166]

A word of caution - not all children think that going to school/nursery in their pyjamas is a bad thing. I used that approach with my son to try to encourage him to help getting dressed in the morning, and he thought it was great. Now he tries to go out in his pyjamas all the time, and as soon as we get in from anywhere he rushes upstairs to change back into his pyjamas!

At least he dresses and undresses himself, though :)

[KingsburyED]

We had a nightmare where dressing was used for controlling the parents. Even, before our son was expected to dress himself it was a battle for us to be allowed to dress him. In the end when our twins were four and a half we used a wind-up kitchen timer the children could work themselves. The children had to be dressed before the bell sounded. We started allowing at least 15 minutes and then got quicker and quicker as they got better. After a few weeks we didn't need it any more and getting dressed just became routine.

Good luck!

[ed neighbour]

My children are both grown up now, but I remember clearly how draining this is. Alice's comment (above) reminds me of what solved it with my oldest daughter - I eventually told her that she was going to be responsible for getting dressed for nursery... we didn't have an argument about it, I just explained to her that we needed to leave the house on time, and she was old enough to get herself ready (with shoes help when requested!)

I explained that from the next day, I would give her a 20 minute warning, and show her the clock - also showing her what time we had to leave. She could see the time passing, and we left on time for school.

She only got taken in her pj's that once and had to wear the yucky 'spare' clothes at nursery - there was no discussion about it from me, because it was her decision - and it never happened again - I think it's about the child understanding that they are responsible for their actions, and they will have to bear the consequences - good luck!

[Jessie]

I still help my son occasionally (he's 8). But he's dyspraxic so does find it difficult.

[Fuschia]

I am not a great believer in

Pushing independence onto small babies but I think as children grow, learning various skills is an important part of them gaining confidence in their own abilities. However this needs you to set them up to succeed - allow plenty of time, break the task into small steps, teach them the tricky bits or use a song, mnemonic etc to helP them get things in the right order, make sure clothes are simple.

It's the same mindset that in the park encourages them to climb etc

You can do it! Well done!

Bit like a mother bird teaching the little ones to fly (everything short of actually pushing them out of the best!)

:-)

[Fuschia]

Nest

Even

[canela]

if it becomes a stand-off of wills she probably won't want to do it if she knows you want her to..... try laying off a bit and inviting other kids over for a sleepover who you know already dress themselves in the morning. peer pressure works better.