Quiet room...

[Huguenot]

*inflates 342 blow-up batdogs, complete with PVC capes and scatters indiscriminately around room, balcony and poolside in a way that ensures they'll continue to show up in three months time*

*smirkles at likely impact of this on mike m'bate when he returns on daffodil bail with immediate hosiery issue*

[Keef]

*Looks up number for sex counsellors in phone book*

*Leaves said number with note for Mikewbate on top of pile of Razzles*

*Looks enquireingly towards Bagpuss78 as if to say "what's eatin' you, huh*

*Opens Patio door to todays landscape*

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/4/4a/Taj1.jpg/300px-Taj1.jpg

*Thinks to self "I fancy a curry and a keema nan"*

*Sits on patio chair and rests eyes* B)

[Mark]

*likes today's view and sniggers at huguenot's reference to mike m'bate*

*decides to go and lie in hammock for a short while then join keef for a curry*

[bagpuss78]

*smiles to self in self gratifying manner :))*

*just came back from head honcho's office having grassed on said punks*

*thinks to self "you kick ass!"*

*I am woman hear me roar!*:X

[Keef]

*Thinks, hmm Bagpuss78 is looking a bit smug*

*Makes mental note not to mess with smug looking women!* ;-)

[Ant]

*can be seen through window juggling with dirty nappies and bottles of milk*

[bagpuss78]

*Cackles quietly*

*Mesmerised by flying nappies in window, wants to investigate but weary of contents of nappies!*

[mockney piers]

*drops shekel in Ant's busking turban*

*wipes nappy shrapnel from side of head*

*plonks self down with nice hot lemsip*

*sighs world weary sigh*

[Keef]

*Marvels at Ant's ability to both entertain offspring, and manage fatherhood at the same time!!!*

[Michael Palaeologus]

*Feels strangely unaroused - must be the inflatable Batdogs*

*Feels somewhat bemused by the roaring women, cackling and juggled babies*

*Wanders to the upper paddock to check on the orchids - sucking on a fluffy toffee*

[dulwichmum]

Notices low growling coming from handbag, opens bag to find aggitated Mr Batdog, sharpening his teeth on best glass nail file.

Stands up in horror as realises that Mr Mikewbate has once again been up to his filthy and unforgivable antics with an old copy of Razzle, a Pritt stick and my photo!!!

Mr Batdog leaps from Mulberry Roxanne handbag, flies through the air above 342 PVC inflatable Batdogs, lands on Mr Mikewbates knee, and savages off his front bottom using an enormous electric cutting appliance which he had concealed in his cape!

Thinks to self, "I think I love Mr Batdog, he really is quite the hero".

Texts Ana to call an ambulance, and arrange for the donkey to be removed to a place of safety.

Thinks to self "I fancy a curry", but first gestures to window to Mr Ant to join us for lunch, and texts him... "Ana will sort out the dirty nappies and bottles for you darling when she is finished her other chores".

Rings for butler to come to wipe blood splatters from walls, and wipe clean the vinyl Batdogs scattered around the room.

[Ant]

*points out to Keef that the former is a large part of the latter*

[Ant]

*hasn't had a curry in... in... gah! ages! :( *

[capt_birdseye]

*realises that the Korma people have been digging into is actually the spattered contents of a nappy dropped by Ant.

*Goes to the balcony to relieve nausea.

[Keef]

*Thinks "phew, lucky korma is disgustingly sweet and I avoid it like the plague!"*

*Looks at green faces, and feels smug* ;-)

[Ant]

*is impervious to smell, oblivious to nausea, busy tucking in to some bhajis*

[Michael Palaeologus]

*Unfortunate that one of the daffs morphed back into his short, ginger policeman form and had his parts ripped off by the scroffulous mutt*

*Wander up the upper paddock that is happily free of dogs, bag women and other forms of disturbance*

*Time for a nap*

[bagpuss78]

*Rustles up some Samosa's and passes round*

*Pulls out 8 pack of tiger beers from bag feels ready to celebrate earlier defeat of colleague less wiser than oneself! FOOL! (still a little bitter):-S*

[Michael Palaeologus]

*Congratulations Bagpuss - enjoy the tigers*

*Decides that the Batdog war has all gotten a little out of hand*

*Leaves as peace offering Starbucks latte for DM, dog-chew for Batdog and the donkey for Ana*

*Sends apologetic letter to Martha Stewart*

*Makes a warming fire from Razzles and settles down for a kip*

[Huguenot]

"savages off his front bottom"???? I am, it should be said, aghast.

*makes mental note to search for that on Google once page has been cached*

*rootles in bottom of sports cupboard and lights upon a hockey mask for DM*

[dulwichmum]

Dear Huguenot,

I was wondering when someone would spot that! Ha, ha, ha....... I am a lady, and this is a public forum - how else could I have put it so .... politely?

[Michael Palaeologus]

Sssshh - Quiet room

[dulwichmum]

Wafts in wearing amazing perfect white jeans and sheer lime green polka dot top with matching camisole - looking like an advertisement for the Boden catalogue. Removes high heels and enormous white rimmed sunglasses, lifts small dog carefully from enormous handbag and places on cusion next to favourite chair. Accepts Vente latte from au pair who then looks around the room to see who else would like a drink...

Glances in small mirror from pocket of handbag, and sighs. Wonders if could be mistaken for Kristin Scott Thomas or Cilla Battersby?

[Huguenot]

*notices DM mumbling to herself in compact mirror, seems to be talking about looking like roy hattersley*

[CrystalClear]

ug