a joke

[Tony.London Suburbs]

There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...

They buried her.....

[JetSetWilly]

i tried ringing the swine flu hotline today, but all i heard was crackling.

[Jah Lush]

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is; until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing; only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

She replied, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'

'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'

'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.

There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'

She stares into his eyes...

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes...

'F ***king hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

[Jah Lush]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'

The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'

The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f*cked?

The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

[Mark]

[Jah Lush]

Oink Oink

[wee quinnie]

> The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I

> wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides

> and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

>

2 Pedantic remarks:

1. A gum tree is a eucalyptus tree.

2. I'm sure you've posted this before. (still funny though - but loving the pig lemsip joke).

[brianb]

KERMIT THE FROG HAS SWINE FLU

HE`S BEEN SHAGGING MISS PIGGY WITHOUT A CONDOM...WHAT A MUPPET

[Jah Lush]

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a feckin' towel!'

[KalamityKel]

A lion, a bear and a pig are sitting around discussing how hard they are. The lion says "when I roar the whole jungle shakes". The bear says "when I roar the whole forest trembles". "so what" says the pig, "all I have to do is sneeze and the whole feckin world sh!ts itself!"

[Mikecg]

Come on KK everyone knows swine flu has been cured.

[KalamityKel]

Dont tell the pig that!

[Jah Lush]

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

[CamberwellOz]

You tell me what is oozing out of our ground.....

[AllyCat]

A 54 year old woman had?a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.?

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she?asked "Is my time up?"?

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to?live."?

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a?face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had?someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she?had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of?it.?

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing?the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had?another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the?ambulance?"?

(You'll like this!)

God replied: "I didn't bl***y recognize you."?

[Jah Lush]

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

[skidmarks]

Past, present and future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint anything but stella.

Barman asks why not stella?

Bloke goes last night I had 12 pints and when I came round I was f**king Skint.

Barman goes 12 pints of all largers cost the same.

Bloke replies Skint is my dogs name.

Happy friday

[Jah Lush]

Police have confirmed that two Premiership footballers have had their houses burgled on the same night last Tuesday. Ryan Giggs had 70 Welsh caps, 10 Premiership medals, 2 Champions League medals, 5 FA Cup medals, 1 League Cup medal, 2 World Club Cup medals, 8 Charity Shield medals and 1 Super Cup medal stolen.

Emmanuel Adebayor lost a kettle and a toaster.

[Mikecg]

LOL!

[Mikecg]

The Woman who lives next door to my dad is suing her boss for sexual harassment, when my dad enquired "Why are you suing him?" she replied "He keeps telling me my hair smells nice!" my dad said "That's not grounds for sexual harassment" she replied "It bloody well is, hes a dwarf".

[KalamityKel]

Tut tut

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in

the Afghanistan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he

noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men

here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges".

That's why we have Molly The Camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand

about "urges", so the camel can stay ."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy

with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting

a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the

ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asks

the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"No not really, sir..They usually just ride the camel into town

Where the girls are."

[TillieTrotter]

Lol.(tu)

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."