KalamityKel Posted March 27, 2011 Share Posted March 27, 2011 A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee and a 250g pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly." Link to comment https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/56/#findComment-423058 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lost Yorkshire Man Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I accidentally took tipex instead of V*agra last night.I woke up with my massive correction.Edited to say Vi*gra is not allowed on the forum!! Link to comment https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/56/#findComment-423375 Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Mc Posted March 31, 2011 Share Posted March 31, 2011 I've been diagnosed with CDO. It's like OCD but it has to be in alphabetical order. Link to comment https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/56/#findComment-424246 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark Posted March 31, 2011 Author Share Posted March 31, 2011 An EDF discussion: Link to comment https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/56/#findComment-424381 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Willard Posted April 2, 2011 Share Posted April 2, 2011 A man walks into a petrol station and says "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him."No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch." Link to comment https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/56/#findComment-424826 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lynda Posted April 9, 2011 Share Posted April 9, 2011 BRITISH BEER OR INSTANT ENGLISH UNITS LANGUAGE LEVEL 1 pint No change to your English 2 pints Your English goes up a level 3 pints Your English goes up a level (but the grammar disappears) 4pints You become very fluent, but start mixing English with your own language. 5 pints You discover you can sign in English, and are brilliant at Karaoke 6 pints You suddenly know lots of taboo words in English (Fortunately,no-one else seems to understand them) 7 pints You can't speak English at all ( and also forget your own language ) over 7 Your start speaking American English ( Danger Zone ) Then you start thinking the bad things you have done ! and miss the people you don't know.... Confuse.com ;-) Link to comment https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/56/#findComment-426550 Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Bob* Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 Does anyone have any advice RE the Olympics ticket application process? Link to comment https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/56/#findComment-427803 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annette Curtain Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 *Bob* Wrote:-------------------------------------------------------> Does anyone have any advice RE the Olympics ticket> application process?Ah, so funny *Bob*...LOLROTFLMHONette(tu) Link to comment https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/56/#findComment-427805 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Huguenot Posted April 15, 2011 Share Posted April 15, 2011 H? Link to comment https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/56/#findComment-428084 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Scarlet Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 Just home from the World Blindfold W*nking Championships!No idea where i came!!! Link to comment https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/56/#findComment-428626 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jah Lush Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 After both suffering depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.So I thought F**k it, I'll soldier on. Link to comment https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/56/#findComment-428823 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarot Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Jah Lush (tu) Link to comment https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/56/#findComment-428874 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Scarlet Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 A friend has admitted to me he is addicted to brake fluid. I was shocked but he says he can stop anytime Link to comment https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/56/#findComment-428939 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Scarlet Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 Ive bought a bird table. It said 'self assembly' on the box. I put it in the garden ages ago but the lazy little sod's still havent done it yet. Link to comment https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/56/#findComment-428942 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Scarlet Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 I had a little accident when I tried to buy some condoms in a public toilet. It said insert money and push knob firmly inwards. Fire brigade were most helpful. Link to comment https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/56/#findComment-428943 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Scarlet Posted April 19, 2011 Share Posted April 19, 2011 I must be getting old...I just watched a porn film and thought 'bloody hell, that bed looks comfy' Link to comment https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/56/#findComment-428944 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shaggy Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 Gordon Brown wants to run the IMF. Link to comment https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/56/#findComment-429045 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Scarlet Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 After both suffering depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought F*ck it, I'll soldier on.good one I like that one! Link to comment https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/56/#findComment-429156 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pequitas Posted April 20, 2011 Share Posted April 20, 2011 Shaggy Wrote:-------------------------------------------------------> Gordon Brown wants to run the IMF.No Shaggy; I am not sure about this one, but I think is the KFC Link to comment https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/56/#findComment-429166 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarot Posted April 21, 2011 Share Posted April 21, 2011 Captain Scarlet Wrote:-------------------------------------------------------> I had a little accident when I tried to buy some> condoms in a public toilet. It said insert money> and push knob firmly inwards. Fire brigade were> most helpful.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxcaptain (tu) Link to comment https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/56/#findComment-429311 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marmora Man Posted May 8, 2011 Share Posted May 8, 2011 Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so try this one: An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African went to a night club. The bouncer said: "Sorry, I can?t let you in without a Thai" Link to comment https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/56/#findComment-433526 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Scarlet Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 Just seen a dyslexic Yorkshireman.He was wearing a cat flap. Link to comment https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/56/#findComment-435338 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Scarlet Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 The world of entertainment was saddened to read of the death of Larry Larue, inventor of the 'Hokey Cokey' and the unusual circumstances surrounding his burial. While the undertakers were putting his body in the coffin, they got his left leg in, his right leg in... and that was when the trouble really started... Link to comment https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/56/#findComment-436433 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tolly Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 BBC news: "ICC seek gaddafi arrest warrant". Not only is he killing his own people but now he's causing trouble at cricket matches. Link to comment https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/56/#findComment-436718 Share on other sites More sharing options...
HonaloochieB Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 A priest, a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar, the barman says "What is this, some kind of joke"? Link to comment https://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/topic/295-a-joke/page/56/#findComment-436727 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now