a joke

[KalamityKel]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee and a 250g pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

[Lost Yorkshire Man]

I accidentally took tipex instead of V*agra last night.

I woke up with my massive correction.

Edited to say Vi*gra is not allowed on the forum!!

[David Mc]

I've been diagnosed with CDO. It's like OCD but it has to be in alphabetical order.

[Mark]

An EDF discussion:

 

[Willard]

A man walks into a petrol station and says "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."

[Lynda]

BRITISH BEER

OR

INSTANT ENGLISH

UNITS LANGUAGE LEVEL

1 pint No change to your English

2 pints Your English goes up a level

3 pints Your English goes up a level

(but the grammar disappears)

4pints You become very fluent, but start mixing English

with your own language.

5 pints You discover you can sign in English,

and are brilliant at Karaoke

6 pints You suddenly know lots of taboo words in English

(Fortunately,no-one else seems to understand them)

7 pints You can't speak English at all

( and also forget your own language )

over 7 Your start speaking American English

( Danger Zone ) Then you start thinking the bad things you have done !

and miss the people you don't know.... Confuse.com ;-)

[*Bob*]

Does anyone have any advice RE the Olympics ticket application process?

[Annette Curtain]

*Bob* Wrote:

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> Does anyone have any advice RE the Olympics ticket

> application process?

Ah, so funny *Bob*...

LOL

ROTFLMHO

Nette(tu)

[Huguenot]

H?

[Captain Scarlet]

Just home from the World Blindfold W*nking Championships!

No idea where i came!!!

[Jah Lush]

After both suffering depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.

So I thought F**k it, I'll soldier on.

[Tarot]

Jah Lush (tu)

[Captain Scarlet]

A friend has admitted to me he is addicted to brake fluid. I was shocked but he says he can stop anytime

[Captain Scarlet]

Ive bought a bird table. It said 'self assembly' on the box. I put it in the garden ages ago but the lazy little sod's still havent done it yet.

[Captain Scarlet]

I had a little accident when I tried to buy some condoms in a public toilet. It said insert money and push knob firmly inwards. Fire brigade were most helpful.

[Captain Scarlet]

I must be getting old...I just watched a porn film and thought 'bloody hell, that bed looks comfy'

[Shaggy]

Gordon Brown wants to run the IMF.

[Captain Scarlet]

After both suffering depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.

So I thought F*ck it, I'll soldier on.

good one I like that one!

[Pequitas]

Shaggy Wrote:

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> Gordon Brown wants to run the IMF.

No Shaggy; I am not sure about this one, but I think is the KFC

[Tarot]

Captain Scarlet Wrote:

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> I had a little accident when I tried to buy some

> condoms in a public toilet. It said insert money

> and push knob firmly inwards. Fire brigade were> most helpful.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

captain (tu)

[Marmora Man]

Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African went to a night club.

The bouncer said: "Sorry, I can?t let you in without a Thai"

[Captain Scarlet]

Just seen a dyslexic Yorkshireman.

He was wearing a cat flap.

[Captain Scarlet]

The world of entertainment was saddened to read of the death of Larry Larue, inventor of the 'Hokey Cokey' and the unusual circumstances surrounding his burial. While the undertakers were putting his body in the coffin, they got his left leg in, his right leg in... and that was when the trouble really started...

[Tolly]

BBC news: "ICC seek gaddafi arrest warrant". Not only is he killing his own people but now he's causing trouble at cricket matches.

[HonaloochieB]

A priest, a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar, the barman says "What is this, some kind of joke"?