a joke

[Marmora Man]

Greek Immigration:

Official: "Nationality?"

Visitor: "German"

Official: "Occupation?"

Visitor: "Not this time - it's just a holiday"

[Ridgley]

There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Some of these are excellent ...

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?

A: Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks.

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: By whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere

[red devil]

Husband says to wife...

''My Olympic condoms have arrived...I think I'll wear Gold tonight''

Wife says...

''Why not wear Silver and come second for a change''

[Ridgley]

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

[Dopamine1979]

Tax Tip: If you are ever interviewed by Inland Revenue say, "I must go now, Mr Corleone insists on hearing bad news early.."

[titch juicy]

A black youth has been shot in the Stratford area with a starting pistol.

Police think it's race related.

[Salsaboy]

The only race I haven't enjoyed during the Olympics is the French.

[Alan Medic]

Sod it. Forgot how to show this as a picture. It's not that funny anyway.

[Wilhelm]

Considering setting up a rating website for escort agencies. Can't decide wether to call it 'Trick Advisor' or 'Ho Compare'

[Loz]

You could have a specialist site for escorts with pubic wigs - comparethemerkin.com.

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

That's sublime Loz.

[Jah Lush]

The Girl Lodger

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:

"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant last night...

"Did you smell that food?" she asked... "Incredible!"

Being the 'Kind Hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"...

..... So they walked past it again...

[Ridgley]

Good one Jah Lush :)

[Salsaboy]

I got in touch with my inner self today.

That's the last time I buy Tesco Value toilet rolls.

[Ridgley]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:? Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

[Ridgley]

A young girl came home from a date looking sad. She told her mother, ?Charles proposed to me a few minutes ago.?

?Then why are you so sad?? her mother asked.

?Because he also mentioned he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn?t believe there?s hell!?

Her mother replied, ?Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we?ll show him how wrong he is.?

[Isla]

I was trying to get home in time for the football but I was being held up by a learner driver. She was driving very slowly and kept stalling. Eventually I shouted "Come on, you stupid cunt get a fucking move on!"

Then she started crying and said it would be her last lesson with me.

[Salsaboy]

More scandal in the Jimmy Savile affair.

Pudsey bear has been arrested for turning a blind eye.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

4 guys have been going on the same golf trip for many years.

This year, Ralph's wife puts her foot down & tells him he isn't going. He calls his buddies & tells them the bad news.

Two days later, the other guys arrive at the resort to begin their yearly golf getaway. To their surprise, they find Ralph sitting there with his clubs already set up on his cart. "Dang Ralphie, how did you talk your missus into letting you go?" they all ask. "Well, yesterday evening, after my wife finished reading "Fifty Shades Of Grey," she pulled me into our bedroom.

On the bed she had handcuffs & ropes! She told me to tie & cuff her to the bed, & I did." Then she said, "Do whatever you want." "So, here I am!"

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around .

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts....

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500.00 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day

[El Pibe]

My mate says army dogs make the best cleaners. That's a sweeping general Alsatian!

[courtesy of six music's made up jokes]

[Otta]

After getting through Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.

[Dopamine1979]

A sweet little girl is out in the back garden, digging a big deep hole.

A neighbour looks over the fence and says:

?Why are you digging that big deep hole??

?My goldfish died,? the sweet little girl says, with a sob.

?I'm really sorry to hear that,? the neighbour says,

?But why such a big deep hole for a goldfish??

The little girl gives him an evil look. ?Because it's inside your f***ing cat.?

[UncleBen]

Girlfriend invites boyfriend around to her parents house for dinner to meet them for the 1st time. They all sit down at the dining table & begin eating. The boyfriend is so nervous meeting the parents that his guts are playing up. Hes very windy & lets a fart slip out. The father curls his nostrels, looks under the table at the family dog & shouts "Rover! Rover". The boyfriend sighs & laughs to himself that hes got away with it & they thnk its the dog. They carry on eating but the boyfriend lets out another fart. Again the father looks under the table & shouts "Rover! Rover". The boyfriend carries on eating all innocently. 5 minutes later the boyfriend lets another fart go & the father looks under the table & shouts, "Rover! Rover! Get out from under his chair & come here before the dirty bstard shites over you"!