a joke

[atila the gooner]

Bloke goes into a pub, spots his mate at the bar and shouts out "Ok Donkey?", and continues to call him Donkey all evening. Th curious barman asks "Donkey " where the name comes from to which he stuttering replies, "Oh, he aw, he aw, he aw, he always calls me that!"

[lozzyloz]

Death Star Cafeteria

[East Dulwich Angst]

HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING SEATMATES ON AN AEROPLANE

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you follow these instructions:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Start up

4. Make sure the person who is annoying you, can see the screen.

5. Close your eyes, tilt your head up to the sky & move your lips as if praying

Then hit this link

[East Dulwich Angst]

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price.

" The dog replied, "But then that would make no sense at all!"

[East Dulwich Angst]

Teacher says to class:"I want you to make a sentence with the word contagious in."

Ron says "The measles are contagious."

Katie says "There is a bug going round that is contagious."

Little Paddy says "Our neighbour is painting his house with a 2" brush, and my dad says it will take the c*ntages."

[East Dulwich Angst]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork? "

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith and made love to a woman."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a effing ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[East Dulwich Angst]

How many children with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change a lightbulb?

Let's go ride our bikes

[brianb]

the british population were asked if polish immigrants were a problem

23% said yes its a serious problem" 77% said " czesk bardzo mi milu gdzie

djest toaldta "

[brianb]

jack & jill went up the hill so jack could lick jills f*nny

but jack got a shock & a mouthful of c*ck coz jills a pre-op tranny

[brianb]

do you want a nokia n90 mobile phone 1000texts & 1000 minutes any network any time

with it you get a 42" lcd tv a free apple ipod nano & a free stella mini fridge

its a 6 month contract @ ?12.50 per month. simply log on to www.dreamonyoucunt.com

[Jah Lush]

A University student delivers a pizza to an old man's house. "I suppose you want a tip?" says the old man.

"That would be great," says the student, "but the other guy who does deliveries told me not to expect too much ? he said if I got 50p, I'd be lucky."

The old man looks hurt. "Well, to prove him wrong, here's ?5. What are you studying?"

"Applied psychology," replies the student.

[Brendan]

No trees were harmed in the creation of this message - however, a large number of electrons were seriously inconvenienced.

[Brendan]

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done.

[East Dulwich Angst]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her Husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there. After a little while the little boy says, "Dark in here." The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a football."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "?250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have football boots."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,

"OK how much this time?"

Boy - "?750"

Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots

and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for and to who?"

The boy says, "To a friend of mine for a ?1,000."

The father says, "That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your

friend like that". "That's four times what they cost when they were

new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your

terrible sin."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that s**t again you little pr*ck, you're in my cupboard now!"

[East Dulwich Angst]

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just Juan.

[Marmora Man]

Went to all gay pantomime last night.

It was a charity do in aid of the Schizophrenia Society.

It was all going really well until Cinderella said ?he?s behind you?

?

[Marmora Man]

I bought my wife a vacuum cleaner last year but I?ve a better idea this year.

I?m buying the new Apple microchip - you implant into a women?s breast ? they call it the Itit.

For years women have complained men only ever look at their breasts but never listen to them. Now ???????

[Keef]

Keef Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> A newly wed couple both of whom are Deaf and British Sign Language (BSL) users, are enjoying their new life together. However, they are having a bit of a problem in the bedroom department, in that once the lights are out, they can't see each

other signing, so communication is a real issue.... This is obviously having an effect on their sex life, which is a nightmare, particularly in this, the honeymoon period....

>

> One day they're discussing this, and wife says to hubby (through sign), "I have an idea, when we're in bed in the dark, and you feel a bit frisky, just lean over and give my left breast a quick squeeze to let me know. If you're tired and you

just want to sleep, give the right breast a quick squeeze, and we know where we are."

>

> Hubby agrees with this, and gets to thinking......

>

> The next day hubby says to wife. "That was a really good idea you had yesterday, so I've been thinking.... If we're in bed and you're feeling frisky, reach over and give my knob a quick tug to let me know. If you're feeling tired and just want to sleep, just reach over and tug it 250 times!"

Posted that in the early days of this thread, but I just told it to my Deaf colleague for the first time. She found it funny, but the best bit was watching my lovely colleague Karen, the BSL interpreter, trying to finish the interpreting and keep a straight face once I'd hit the punchline!

[brianb]

3 woman in a pub start talking about their husbands

1 says i call mine the dentist no one can drill like he does

2nd woman giggled i call mine a miner because he`s got a big shaft

no 3 frowned i call mine the postman because he cums so early and

half the time he sticks it in the wrong box

[sallyfran]

Please keep the jokes coming, I use them wherever possible with the teens I work with. Filthy is obviously out, and they have some learning difficulties so nothing too long or needing an understanding of subtle puns. Most popular so far is the 2 thieves on a washing line ('pair of nickers'). If you got anything in that vein in your Christmas cracker do post and don't worry about denting your carefully nurtured image of wit and sophistication.

[Mark]

Here's a cracker one I got:

Who's the biggest woman in America?

Mrs Sippi

[Jah Lush]

Two peanuts walking down the road, one was assaulted (a salted, geddit) Groan. I'll get me coat.

[Brendan]

A smartie and a jelly baby want to go into a pub for a drink. The pub is a bit on the rough side and the jelly baby is concerned that he will get beat up. The smartie reassures him saying, ?Don?t worry. You may be all soft a squishy but I have a hard shell and I will protect you from any thugs.?

So they go in and take up residence at the bar.

While they are having a drink a couple of glacier mints walk in. They walk straight up to the jelly baby, knock his drink out of his hand and push their way to the bar.

Emboldened by the smartie?s promises of protection the jelly baby reacts and shouts, ?Oi! What you think you doing??

Upon which the glacier mints precede knock 7 bells out of him while the smartie stands quietly by and does nothing.

The, now considerably squashed and battered, jelly baby drags himself upright against the bar and says to the smartie, ?I thought you said you would protect me.?

To which the smartie replies, ?Sorry mate but those guys are menthol.?

[Marmora Man]

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws in the USA this is one of the best come back lines of all time.

Here is a portion of USA National Public Radio interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation:

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to

teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery

and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting!!! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the

rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous

activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We'll be teaching them proper rifle

discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but

you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

[tarynlondon]

!