a joke

[JedMk2]

Quick 5 minutes so thought i would post....

Two women are on a night out in the pub and get very drunk. On the way home they are both dying for the toilet. The only secluded place they could find was a graveyard so they both agree that one will go while the other keeps look out and vice versa. The first goes but has nothing to wipe her bum with so uses her knickers and then throws them away into the graveyard as far as she can. They switch. The second goes and has the same problem but she's just brought a nice matching outfit from La Senza and does'nt want to ruin them so she grabs the nearest thing that she can find...a wreath! The next night in the pub their two husbands are talking. 'We have to watch our wifes when they go out. My one came back last night with no knickers on'. 'Thats nothing!' replies the other husband. 'My one came back with a card sticking out of her arse saying 'From all the lads at the station, we'll never forget you!'

[Jah Lush]

My Mum and Dad's first names

are Pearl and Dean.

I call them Mama and Papa papaa

papaa papaa pa pa pa, papaa papaa

pa paaaaaa.

[titch juicy]

Two blokes in the pub

One turns to the other and says, "I f&&**d your mum last night. I did her from behind, stuck my c&^% in her mouth, then up her @r$? and then sploshed all over her t1t$!""

The other replies, "Come on, I think you've had enough Dad, time to go home"

[UncleBen]

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: A large vibrating egg.

[El Pibe]

So a guy goes to his doctor because he thinks he has an STD. He asks the doctor "how bad is it?" to which the doctor replies "Well, I've got the test results and it doesn't look good. You've got chlamydia, gonorrhea, and onomatopoeia.

The guy asks "What's onomatopoeia?"

The doctor replies "It's exactly what it sounds like"

[rupert45]

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church?s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people?s business.

Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town?s only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn?t explain, defend, or deny. He just said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred?s house ?.. walked home ?.. and left it there all night.

[rupert45]

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you

to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

[red devil]

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:

'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:

'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says:

'What the f*** do you want?'

'Ah ha!' he says

"Ryanair!"...

[El Pibe]

"Sir, we're mining too many useless minerals."

Hitler: "Mine less then"

Grammar Nazi bursts in: "MINE FEWER."

Hitler looks over: "Yes?"

[rupert45]

A woman has a medical at the doctors?

?You are grossly overweight,? he says.

?I want a 2nd opinion,? she exclaims.

?OK. You?re bloody ugly as well.?

I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question ? which I got wrong.

The question was, ?Where do women have the curliest hair ??

Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.

[elenasmile]

great! :D

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

New Euro notes to be printed on greaseproof paper..

Boom..

[Jah Lush]

Angela Merkel arrives in Athens

airport.

"Nationality?" asks the

immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

[Jeremy]

[miga]

This is ripped off from Gilbert Gottfried.

A farmer walks into the bedroom, holding a sheep under his arm, to his wife's great surprise.

"This is the pig I've been f.cking for 10 years", he says.

"But darling that's not a pig that's a sheep", responds his wife.

"I was talking to the sheep", says the farmer.

[DulwichFox]

Doctor:- How can I help you?

Man:- I think I might be short sighted.

Doctor:- Ok we can do some tests.

Man:- Are you going to use one of those charts with the letters on.

Doctor:- No we don't do that any more. Please look out of the window and tell me what you can see.

Man:- Cars, Buses, People.

Doctor:- Look a bit higher

Man:- Buildings.

Doctor:- Bit higher.

Man:- The Sky, Clouds.

Doctor:- Anything else?

Man:- Yes, I can see the Sun..

Doctor:- Short sighted ?? The Sun is 93 million miles away.. How much F***ing further do to want to see. ?

DulwichFox

[Dog duck]

How many fish can you get in a pair of tights? 2 soles, 2 eels and a wet plaice

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field.

[Jah Lush]

Three lads from the UK were in a lap dancing club watching a very busty blonde gyrating on the pole. The lad from London put ?20 on the girl?s right buttock. Not to be outdone the lad from Bristol put a ?50 note on her right buttock. The guy from Glasgow walked up, swiped his Visa card down the crack of her arse and took the ?70 cashback.

[Jah Lush]

If your lover has put on too much weight, get them to walk three miles in the morning and three miles at night, and by the end of the week the fat fucker will be 42 miles away.

[phobic3000]

How many Vietnam War veterans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

YOU HAVE TO BE THERE TO KNOW MAN!!

[clockworkorange]

There was an explosion at the cheese factory.....

All that was left was de Brie

You're welcome.

[FriendsOfTheTerrapin]

Travelling Salesman walks up to the door and knocks.

An out of breath twelve year old boy answers the the door dressed in high heels, fishnets, a basque, and bunny ears. He's smoking a huge Cuban cigar, and he's cradling a glass of the finest Rioja.

"Are your parents in?" asks the Travelling Salesman.

He replies "Does it f*cking look like they're in?"

[phobic3000]

A man was home alone when suddenly there was a knock at the door.

When he opened the door it was the police.

The police held out a photo of his wife and said, "Sir, can you confirm is this your wife?"

The man said "Yes it is. Is everything ok?"

The police still holding the photo say, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus"

The man says, "Yeah I know but she's great with the kids and good in the kitchen!"

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Volkswagen senior management appear quite calm as they face this testing time.

Inside though, they're secretly fuming