a joke

[Moos]

Made me giggle, Hibbs!

[Jah Lush]

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there?s the farm hand, I pay him ?240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there?s the housekeeper. She gets ?190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There?s also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about ?25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That?s disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That?ll be me then," said Paddy.

[Emerson Crane]

Kolo Toure could face a 2 year ban for taking performance enhancing drugs............lets hope he kept the f**king receipt.

[Tarot]

A man sees a brunette at a bar,and says how about us getting together,yeah she replies,it,ll cost ya.

How much he replies;twenty quid she says. Thats cheap he thinks,he nods and back they go to her place.

She sits him on the bed, and begins to take her coat off, then she takes her long brunette wig off,hangs up her padded bra,then takes out her glass eye and puts it in a glass,by now his feeling a bit cringy,then she starts to unscrew her wooden leg, with that he runs out the flat and into the street/

She opens the window and shouts;Dont you want a bit of pxxxy, Yeah he shouts back, Just throw it down.

[Captain Scarlet]

Arnold Schwarzenegger, George Clooney and Brad Pitt attend a screentest for a new film entitled "The Lives of the World's Greatest Composers".

Clooney says "I'll be Beethoven because I can play the piano".

Brad says "I'll be Vivaldi as I can play the violin".

Arnie just stands there for a couple minutes, before saying in a deep voice "I'll be Bach..."

[Captain Scarlet]

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in

October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities,off

the Scottish North coast. The transcript was released by the MoD on

10/10/95.

BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid

collision.

US Navy : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to

avoid a collision.

BRITISH : Negative.You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the

South to avoid a collision.

US Navy : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR

course.

BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

US NAVY: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST

SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. ACCOMPANIED BY THREE

DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT

YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR

COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. F*** off.

[Captain Scarlet]

There was a young pirate named Bates

Who danced a fandango on skates -

He fell on his cutlass,

Which rendered him nutless

And perfectly useless on dates!

[Emerson Crane]

Wayne Rooney blamed his poor performance against Liverpool on his inability to concentrate. He said "after hearing there was a Nani on the pitch with a massive gash, my mind was elsewhere"

[jester]

Apparently Tony Blair has called on Colonel Gaddafi to stand down.The delusional lunatic ranted on for 10 minutes about not being a war criminal before Gaddafi could even get a word in.

[jester]

Had the best laugh at a local nursery school.A little Muslim kid excitedly ran up to a long pair of black curtains and shouted out mum mum.

[jester]

An Iraniun optician went out of business today.--ASIF EYECARE.

[KalamityKel]

Tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.

Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[Jah Lush]

A banker, a Daily Mail reader and a benefit claimant are sitting at a table sharing 12 biscuits.

The banker takes 11 and says to the Daily Mail reader:

"Watch out for the benefit claimant, he wants your biscuit".

[derbyean]

:)) Jah.

[zeban]

Brilliant Jah!

[jester]

Paddy speaks frantically into the phone ---- my wifes pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!! Doctor queries is this her first child.----Nah, Paddy shouted, this is her husband.

[Huguenot II]

Just Fostered a Muslim.

All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.

[stereforth]

Dedicated to Huguenot II

Just Fostered a protestant refugee from 16th Century France.

All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.

[jester]

I saw 3 old ladies sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat stood in front of them and flashed.It was quite a shock for them---Two of them had a stroke .The other one couldnt reach.

[Rose21]

A guy meets his friend in the pub.

'Mate, I got this new console game called 'Tiger Wood's favourite 18 holes'. Turns out it's about golf?!'

[Tarot]

What you call a bull fast asleep in a field?

A bulldozer.

[huncamunca]

whats yellow & smells of Bananas ?

Monkey puke

[Captain Scarlet]

Was at an Al Quiada christmas Party last year.

Not much celebrating or having fun, but the fastest game of pass the parcel you'll ever see.

[Captain Scarlet]

The lead actor in the local production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night. To be fair, the audience tried to warn him

[Captain Scarlet]

what do you call a lesbian Dinosaur ---------------------------------------------------------------

ALICKALOTAPUSS