Another Lost Cactus thread

[Michael Palaeologus]

I am really sorry, but my cactus is missing.

I have had to leave the window open during the hot weather - having had NO response from MrCactusFlapFitter, and I paid him 50 notes in cash with no receipt.

I know its Spring and his cactus-sap was rising and it was foolish of me to give him the opportunity, but there it is and I am mortified.

He is about 12 inches tall, green and rather spiky. If anybody spots him, please get in touch.

His name is - Fluffy.

[giggirl]

Aw honey I feel bad for you. Can you post a picture here and I'll keep a look out?

[TillieTrotter]

Hi Mike, I think I may have seen your cactus in my garden today. I sent it on its way after it tried to get over friendly with my trailing rose. Hope I havent spooked it too much and it makes its way back to you. Good luck and keep us posted.

[Ant]

How irresponsible of you! I'll have to look before I sit down now. I hate looking before I sit down.

[Moos]

Michael, I am very sorry, but I have to tell you I did see a rather dear little cactus on my street being chatted up by a rather oafishly charming Peckham holly bush. You may have a happy cactus event soon.

[lozzyloz]

I think I bumped into it earlier today on the Lane. I said "'ello Vera!" but it just muttered something about slapping a fox on Goose Green last night.

[Moos]

LOL at Lozzyloz' post

[Michael Palaeologus]

He is a little boy Cactus Moos and as such, is unlikely to be blessed with cactus-kittens.

The fox is a likely target though, he has been without for so long and he has so many ..... well, there is no delicate way of putting this ...... pricks.

Please keep your pet hedgehogs safely locked away.

[Moos]

I didn't say the holly was a boy.

[bignumber5]

Well then it's up to the holly's owner to deal with any little cuttings. But then if you let them out when they're new and you haven't had them re-potted, what do you expect?

[Peckhamgatecrasher]

It's people like you who make me sick. You are so selfish and should be banned from keeping a cactus. Did it have a collar; was it even chipped? I know they look all cuddly, but you have to take care of them. A cactus is not just for Christmas. I shall report you to the RSPCC.

[Moos]

BN5, I am outraged at your comment. A baby-holly-cactus hybrid is the responsibility of both of its parents, not just its holly-mother. Next you'll be saying that the holly is a tart, while the cactus is a stud. Your double standards are a disgrace to liberal caring-sharing fluffy woolly East Dulwich. I propose an hour in the Goose Green stocks, and will be bringing a very ripe melon myself.

[Michael Palaeologus]

My cactus' morals have clearly been under-mined by some ill-bred holly harlot! He was an innocent abroad and I am certainly not going to shell out to support a bunch of spikey hybrids. Clearly they should simply be exposed at birth or dumped in a local authority compost bin.

As for you PGC, its a Christmas Bloody Cactus, of course its for Christmas!

Responsibility?!, I have tried to teach Fluffy about safe sex, but the cactus/condom interface is not a happy one and tends to end in failure. I tried the sliding a condom over a carrot thing with him and he just panicked and claimed that I was trying to suffocate his best friend, Mr Crunchy; who is incidently partially sighted - ironic for a carrot.

Has Fluffy been seen in any backgardens, being fed titbits by the well meaning? He is partial to a spot of Growmore and can be tempted by a spalsh of Tomatrite if the mood takes him.

[ratty]

I am sad to say that I saw a squashed cactus on Derwent Grove this morning. It did not have a collar on but it could be fluffy! :(

[Moos]

To the stocks with you too, Michael Parlyvousfrancais, and I shall personally hunt out a particularly rotten grapefruit to bring about your demise.

[Edited for rogue comma. I tend to over-comma but don't seem to be able to help it.]

[jespermk]

i saw a rather menacing looking cactus last night, he was peering through the window while i was preparing the greens.. maybe he saw someone he recognized under my blade, hence the menacing stare.. he did one though as soon as i piped up "i say, clear off!"

good luck with the search

[Brendan]

I think the plight of cactus owners such as our own Michael Partyongus here is a microcosmic illustration of a greater moral decline in our society which is affecting not just cacti but all potted succulents and indeed even some aquifoliaceae.

Why it was only a year ago that our potted holly bush up and left without so much as a by-your-leave. I mean you expect that type of thing from cacti but this holly had ?breeding?.

We have heard rumors that he is still terrorising adventurous puppies and wayward footballs around the parks of SE London. If you do see him I think it would be best to call the police, he answers to the name of Buddy.

Our thoughts are with you in this hard time Mr Paeleophysicist.

[Michael Palaeologus]

I can confirm that the squashed cactus on Derwent Grove is actually a squashed very rare Panamanian Hedgehog, one half of the last breeding pair, it escaped from Sydenham Safari Park last week. The bad news is that the Panamian Hedgehog will soon die out completely as they pair for life and its partner will swiftly pine away.

The good news is that it is not Fluffy, so that's alright then.

Moos - rotten grapefruit? How cruel, that would be Fluffy's second cousin, sadly struck down down by fruit-leprosy. Give Crusty his bell and hood back and let him go back to begging down Lordship Lane in his last supturating days on the planet.

[Moos]

Who's Lors and is he missing his hip?

[Michael Palaeologus]

How can I be expected to type accurately at this difficult time?

[Ant]

Use both hands?

[lozzyloz]

Hi my name is Cactus Jack

I run the company MrCactusFlapFitter.co.uk

The thorny comments about me from Mr Palaeologus are completely untrue. He asked me round to quote on his flaps and despite me bending over backwards I have not received any deposit from him, despite constructing a top of the range cactus flap from toughened cactus resistant glass. I believe the real culprit is Fluffy who is a bit of a prick tease. I know I was busy (it was close to Christmas) but Fluffy has been constantly bringing stray Holly through a flap that was not designed for such a purpose and then perforating them on the kitchen floor.

This is really beginning to needle me. You can talk to any of my customers who will be more than happy to tell you that I have left them completely satisfied with their custom flaps at a discounted price of ?750.

[Moos]

Cactus Jack!

I loved that film - a sort of hilariously bad Road Runner premise, with Kirk Douglas clearly paying for a new Ferrari as the bad guy, the ageing Ann-Margret (sp?) desperately trying to play the not-very-innocent ing?nue and for a bonus the young Arnold Schwarzenegger being completely rubbish as the good guy.

[mightyroar]

I am one of Cactus Jack's customers and I'd juss like to say that he is completely efficient no problems a good job done.

He bent all the way over for me and his toughened material feels just great.

[macker]

lozzyloz Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Hi my name is Cactus Jack

> I run the company MrCactusFlapFitter.co.uk...

I think perhaps Michael Palaeologus has got confused between this company and the albeit similarly-named one MrFlatCatpusFitter.co.uk, whose owner is also mysteriously called Cactus.

So please all, make sure you're complaining about the correct company!