sibling rivalry

[woodie]

its apparently called. Having a problem with it. Many of us would admit to being rough on our younger bro/sis. Its natural.

Its a bloody pain. One continiously try to get the other in trouble, really dumb moves like writing the siblings name on the wall then exhibiting what "she has done!look!" except the little one cant actually write so..

Thats a small example a bigger one would be threatening to throw lil one out of the window whilst ganging up with older kids.

It can get nasty and dangerous. Secret pinches and punches is normal.

background would be, mother away all day at work back in the evening (knacked) and therefore a small window of attention to compete for. Smaller issues, llke the older one feeling 'blamed' for everything (not so) and hating having to help tidy the younger ones mess with me before mother is home. Any getting angry and laying down the law has to be carefully done or you see like a mirror, your own character attributes as the older one gets angry at the little one. Yet peaceful negotiation isnt working, naughty step worked on telly not here. ages are 6 and almost 4.

So, as I hate being angry and having to boss em about like I have previously, all ideas welcomed.

Im trying to avoid a low self esteem kicking in on the older also. ive noticed a few things there and I feel its all connected. Could go on but theres a hefty start.

[bon3yard]

I was the eldest and often felt blamed for the problems caused...then again I was a little shit. Its posts like these that scare the bejesus out of me when it comes to having kids. No help at all I know, but there you have it.

[SeanMacGabhann]

bon3yard - second call in as many days about "having kids". I'm with you....

I know that Lady MacGabhann was mean as a snake to her younger sister but as the eldest in my family i can hand on heart say I was never interested in teasing/winding junior up. I just wanted to be left alone!

[Ondine]

oh yes it's a classic. Mine are 10 and 7 and we're still dealing with it but not too dire. And I suspect it's partly one of those psychological developments they have to go through, and stands them in good stead for the playground so while you're right to stay on top of it, wouldn't think it's too much of a worry. I'm definitely aware that my younger one can play the cute card and get away with things, which can wind up the other one big time.

Kinds of things that work for us are:

giving the bigger one some distinct activities and time with me as the older one - and deliberately presenting them as a privilege that comes with age - real simple stuff, like that we go for a hot choc once a week while younger one is at an after school activity

everyone has to do something to "help the family" every day, ie you're not allowed to just clear up your own mess and step over the sib's stuff

younger one has a specific job she has to do every day - recycling is the current job, and I let it pile up and tell her off about it if she doesn't do it

when they were the age of your guys, they had separate bed times, big one got an extra half hour or so to stay up and have some 1:1

So the theme I guess is rebalancing things all the time so the big one can see evidence that you are being fair. It's logical to have different expectations of the different ages but you have to avoid falling into the trap of pampering the small one. Easier said than done, I know!

[Guest]

I agree that spending some time separately with each of them (not just the elder!) could help.

If it's any comfort, my elder sister tried to kill me more than once at that age.

And now I'm going to change my user name.

[gerry]

I think sibling rivalry is actually healthy, it teaches children how to cope later in life in school, in the workplace, and in a relationship. Without it, they can become unable to share, unable to deal with other personalities, and could go through life thinking all things should revolve around them!! The parents do, however, need to manage the emotions and encourage the children to each speak about their perceptions - even at 5 or 6 - ask them what they think and feel about a situation. We are usually surprised that kids see things from a completely different perspective........why!!!

[Pickle]

Interesting thread. I'm about to have my second child, so I guess this will soon become an issue (although our age gap is small - 17 months, so not sure if that will make a difference).

Personally, I was 4 when my younger brother came along, and it's safe to say it wasn't love at first sight. In fact I spent much of the next 2 years trying my best to knock him off :-$ Unfortunately our dislike for each other was quite mutual once he got older, to the extent that our parents had to put us in different schools to avoid us killing each other while out of their sight.

Thankfully as adults we now get on fine, helped by the fact that we live on opposite sides of the world! I have another sibling 9.5 years younger, and rivalry was never an issue.

[VeryBerryCherry]

Oh my, yes i too was a the elder of two girls. My little sister being a couple of years younger. And I had a little bro 10 years younger, and like someone said, the rivalry was never an issue with the little one.

But, I have to agree that it really is something you have to go through and learn to deal with as it teaches you a lot about real life in the long run, which isn't helpful when you are the parent having to deal with it, I know.

I remember always feeling I was getting the blame. But my mum would say that I am the eldest and therefore should be more responsible. So I agree that perhaps a more grown-up one-on-one activity as a priviledge for behaving more responsibly would work a treat. And also if the younger is given a job suitable for their age, explain to the older that they have been given a job and that when they get older they will get more responsiblities too (so that they understand, if they question how fair it is).

My mum was also very good at ignoring our squabbles and never getting involved, which meant that with no attention it usually died down when there wasn't an audience.

[mightyroar]

it is a tricky question alright. a certain amount of rivalry is fine and to be expected but it is very hard to deal with sometimes. especially if you dont want to be shouty and bossy parent as you said.

my girls are 3 and 5 and we are glimpsing this stuff from time to time, but it's not too serious at the moment.

what ondine says seems sensible, quality time with a parent one at a time. Giving each one a choice about what to do also helps so they feel that they are in control of the situation. Also have you tried the old reward chart system: be nice to your brother for 10 days in a row and get some nasty plastic gak from woolworths?

[reenie40]

I have this problem with my 9 and 5 year olds, compounded by the fact that the little one is an all singing all dancing show-off, and the older one has always been quite shy. While I agree that some sibling rivaly is normal and healthy (my brothers and sister and I used to beat the c**p out of each other and now get on fine), it's difficult when you can see one of the kids' confidence being undermined by the situation. A friend who hadn't seen both of them for a while asked when the older one had got so mean, but then quickly followed it up by saying that he would hate to have to deal with little Miss Showbiz as a younger sister. We do the staggered bed times, and the time alone with each, but I also find it sometimes helps to be a bit conspiratorial with the older one, like on a Wednesday when she pretends to go off to bed so the little one can see her and then sneaks up again to watch The Apprentice - we have some time together and she feels like she has an 'in' with the grown ups that her sister is too young to share. Not sure how the psychologists would feel about it though!

[Keef]

My older sister and I squabbled a lot as kids, yet we became very clode as teenagers, so just hang in there for 10 years! :-S

[woodie]

thx v much for all your constructive replies. few things to think about there.