Getting Old?

[computedshorty]

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

[daizie]

Do you have a 'thing' for old people ?

[KidKruger]

Daizie I think Computedshorty is one of our seniors, and a very knowledgeable one at that..

[woofmarkthedog]

KidKruger Wrote:

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> Daizie I think Computedshorty is one of our

> seniors, and a very knowledgeable one at that..

______________________________________________

Yeah & you really are a "Kid hey "Kid" ?

He's an old cunt but it's fun , so we humour him

Jeeeez

Pull my d*ck it's got bells on

W**F

[daizie]

ding-a-ling

[Mick Mac]

>Yeah & you really are a "Kid hey "Kid" ?

Oooh

There may be trouble ahead

Moonlight and dancing...

[i have this on copy and paste now - just for when Woof gets home and starts posting]

[woofmarkthedog]

Ohhhh..

Well my patience is wearing thin (ner) each & every day

Though my "piquant" manner shines through somewhat, admittedly oiled with a bottle of J & B to hand

Don't worry mic mac, just get a dustpan ready to clean up after

W**F

[Mick Mac]

J&B

Roobish - I'm on stratisla - how cool is that? J&B is for the movies.

[woofmarkthedog]

No Mic mac

J & B is a perfectly fine "Wednesday" blend drank by Kings & Queens of yore however,

Atholl Brose Pudding may be needed soon

Serves 4

? pint db cream, 3fl oz whisky, 3tbs runny heather honey, 2oz toasted pinhead oatmeal.

Whip cream until holds shape, stir in oatmeal & honey. Chill and just before serving, mix in whisky.

You will now need to concentrate a while, call me when ready please

Yummm

W**F

[Ladymuck]

woofmarkthedog Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> KidKruger Wrote:

> --------------------------------------------------

> -----

> > Daizie I think Computedshorty is one of our

> > seniors, and a very knowledgeable one at that..

>

> ______________________________________________

>

> Yeah & you really are a "Kid hey "Kid" ?

>

>

> He's an old @#$%& but it's fun , so we humour him

>

>

> Jeeeez

>

> Pull my d*ck it's got bells on

>

>

>

> W**F

Oh no...not again...my diaphragm hasn't recovered from last time...STOP IT St. Bernard...STOP IT...pleeeeeeeease. Oh Lawdy Lawdy...

*On floor curled up laughing*

Erm...Ted...I mean CS, why have you deleted so many of your previous posts?

[computedshorty]

MAAM.

I am computedshorty, no other here, but must admit I am on the other WDF & NHF sites as are others using different names, personally I chose to use another name on each a I get confused with many.

Only Daisey ever deducted who I am.

I have to inform you that I am no longer residing at Lordship Lane,I have been moved but do not expect to be here long.

God Bless.

[Ladymuck]

OK CS, I believe you (*attempts to keep a straight face*)...but I still think you are very very very funny...and that this entire "thing" is absolutely hilarious. But I really would like to know why you have deleted all those posts...it seems odd...they gave us all a great deal of pleasure...not to mention giving my diaphragm regular exercise.

Anyway, I guess you are never going to tell me...so I would just like to say: God Bless you too. But please keep the laughs coming...whoever you are.

(*waves regally at CS*)

[woofmarkthedog]

Ermm...& I mean this most cinserearly folks....

Good lukc "computedshorty"

May yore next charactyer be as beliveable as the laast

Yas inddaed

W**F

*pop* ( the sound of "his" clogs BTW)

[computedshorty]

?

[Ladymuck]

woofmarkthedog Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> *pop* ( the sound of "his" clogs BTW)

Bad doggie...

*in stitches*

[woofmarkthedog]

computedshorty Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> woofmarkthedog.

> We have not heard from meowtomthecat for about

> four months, is it that it is hiding from Woof?

______________________________________________________

OMG

It's Mikecg

I can smell him from here

W**F

[Ladymuck]

woofmarkthedog Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> OMG

>

>

> It's Mikecg

>

>

> I can smell him from here

>

>

> W**F

You mean it's not Ted? Well fat lot of good you are as a sniffer dog...about time you were retired I think...

*calls the vet*

[woofmarkthedog]

Oh lorks

Whatever "computedshorty" comes back as he / she has given many of us a bloody good laugh of late.

Please try and be as inauthentic as the last one. I so loved the wooden delivery & the give away nuances. It was the "Van dem plas" that nailed you, any & I mean anyone with a slight knowledge of cars knows this would ring bells

But that one was a "Big Ben" hanging of my Parliamentary John Thomas

Good uck & seel you soon

W**F

P.S Don't forget the cat now will you "Meeeeeeow"

*waves wooden hand into the mist*

[another annie]

So nothing 'computedshorty' says is to be taken seriously? In December he answered my question about the history of our house in Landcroft Road. I was really pleased, and have passed his stories on to several friends. If it was all made up, I fell for it hook line and sucker.

Please tell, I won't be angry. Slightly impressed, actually...

Gullible of Landcroft

[helena handbasket]

My heart is sinking....... is that lovely old man not who he says he is?

He was part of the magic of London for me.

As my three year old son would say, oh bother.

But I'm so very curious about the real story.........

[Ladymuck]

Oh Lawd help us all...

*now rolling around on floor absolutely doubled up laughing/crying*

[computedshorty]

The Story of Shorty at Tesco

Dear Mrs.London,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr Shorty London has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behaviour and have considered banning your entire family from shopping in any of our stores nationwide.

We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our workers are attending counselling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr London have been compiled and are listed below:

Memo: re - Mr Shorty London

Complaints - Things Mr Shorty London has done while his Carer was shopping in our store:

June 22: Took 18 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolley's when they weren't looking.

July 4: Set all the alarm clocks in household department to go off at 5 minute intervals.

July 9: Made a trail of tomato ketchup on the floor leading to the toilets.

July 21: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 5' in fruit and veg..... and then watched what happened.

September 14: Moved a ' CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

September 17: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he' d invite them in for a cup of tea if they would bring pillows from the bedding department.

September 29: When a shelf stacker asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and demands, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

October 31: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose in a disgusting fashion.

December 2: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme tune.

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled ' Pick me! Pick me!'

December 23: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the foetal position and screams, 'NO! NO! It's those voices again!'

And; last, but not least!

December 24: Went into a fitting room in the clothing department, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here!'

We have impounded his Zimmer with a Zimmer clamp in the Customers Car Park.

Mr London pleads insanity.

[Ladymuck]

FABULOUS!!!!

Delighted you are still with us...whoever you are. You have quite a following you know.

Now you must not worry...I will not let "them" take you away...oh no...we are having a whip-round on the Forum as I speak for the release of your beloved zimmerframe. Oh yes, first things first. With regard to your plea of "insanity", I have consulted with the Forum's hot-shot lawyers and they advise that, unless you really do wish to spend your final days in a psychiatric hospital (which, frankly - given your zest for life - I find unlikely), you should perhaps consider using "temporary mental impairment" as a mitigating factor. Such a tactic may lead you to receive a reduced sentence...and, if you are able to charm "them" off their feet as you have done us, then you might even be able to get off with a suspended sentence...though you would have to exercise some restraint during the duration of such a sentence.

Keep in touch...and keep em coming.

xxxx

PS: did you really place condoms into people's trolleys when they weren't looking? Oh dearie dearie me...

*massive burst of laughter*

[computedshorty]

I dont like it here much they are all old people, and the Warden tried to stop me teaching them this song.

Retirement sing along to the tune of:

'My Favourite Things'

You remember: the tune from 'The Sound of Music'

Rennies and nose drops and needles for knitting,

Zimmers and handrails and new dental fittings,

Bundles of magazines tied up in string,

These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses,

Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,

Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,

These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak,

When the bones creak,

I simply remember my favourite things,

And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,

No spicy meals or food cooked with onions,

Bathrobes and heating pads, hot meals they bring,

These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pains, confused brains and no fear of sinning,

Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinning,

More of the pleasures maturity brings-

When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,

When the eyes grow dim,

I simply remember the great life I've had,

And then I don't feel... so bad.

[matty]

"The Story of Shorty at Tesco"

Getting lazy, that copy/pasta [sic] is well past its CTRL V by date....