Peckhamgatecrasher

The offside rule is easy - just think of it in these terms: You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have. The 'opposing' shopper in front of you has seen them also and she is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses. It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes. The shop assistant remains at the till waiting. Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes. At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, *whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes. Always remembering that until the purse had *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper. There, much clearer!* *stolen from "Home is where the marmite is"

Very kind of you. I'll have a double Melchizedek of Krug please, with a Bombadier chaser.

I have never eaten a mango while pregnant.

Depraved. I put it to you, kidneypunch, that this immoral behaviour is sending our country to the dogs.

I'm not claiming it was a healthy thing to do, I am claiming that 'a low birth weight as a result of smoking throughout pregnancy' is a nonsense, in my experience.

But he's awfully good on using mustard concoctions to counteract rat poison in dogs! Glad to hear all is okay now.

That's a myth - mine was 8 14 and I smoked all the way through.

Can you put in ground? I've split mine and the ones in the ground are thriving, the ones in pots show mildew/lack of water and need a good soaking everyday - almost not worth the effort.

I hate it - it always reminds me of butterbeans which are worse than the evil aubergine.

It might be worth looking at the newly-refurbished Victoria Pub on Bellenden Road, SE15 - I'm sure you could negotiate a lower fee for a long booking: The Victoria Inn

I had the bizarre notion that four babies were being born on a five pound note. [Must stop drinking strong, red wine.

What seemed amusing last night .........

Great news - I have a vine in my garden, I shall be organising a shoot. Anyone up for beating?

I thought it was the warm up act for The Tempest.

Iseult

I think the moral decline of our nation is due to bad spelling. Trip trap.

2-0, oh dear. Jane Eyre on another channel is quite exciting.

Calling the police would be a start.

Dear Narnia, just Google "stress incontinence".

Seriously, the DOGs?

Attack of the Aphids!!! Spray them with a washing-up liquid and water mix.

Odyssey, have you not walked down Rye Lane?

I think you should report this to The Police.

The turn on that ball is amazing. The DL Band are Irish which quite surprised me when I first heard them - not your usual Gaelic sport. And did you know the actual Duckworth/Lewis received some sort of gong in the Birthday Honours?

That's perfectly rational, Ruffers, he's a ****.