cuppa tea

"It's much worse when the mean children belong to your friends! A very old friend of mine has a four year old that is absolutely diabolical; my son gets nervous just talking about her. She's not just physically aggressive, she also says cruel. He's so sensitive it just destroys him. Her aggressive personality is the nature part, however friend's response is generally along the lines of "I know my kid is no angel but it takes two to fight". Uh, no it doesn't take two for your monster to push my child off the swings, or down the stairs or whatever flavour of the day. It has really put a strain on our 15 year friendship, and I know we are not the only friends who feel this way. But what can you say?" This is a nightmare when it's friends. I have a sort of similar situation with one good friend, though I have to say it's generally my son who is a more boisterous handful and very reactionary and her son who is more passive, but manages to bait my son pretty well. Have to add i'm not at all condoning any aggression as it's dealt with, but it is soooo exhausting and I am the one doing the telling off constantly. In the end I decided that they just weren't a good match, as he wasn't the same with all his little friends. I think it was making him feel like a really naughty kid when actually they were just a very bad fit for each other. Unfortunately you do have to see people with children that your kids get on with otherwise it's a disaster for everyone. Also wanted to add that I remember him being around 2 ish and being astounded at the hierachy of the kids at the one o clock club during half term. The big kids were intimidating the little ones of the toys etc etc. Not pleasant. I had to keep a constant check on him. Sure enough as he's approaching 4, bingo, he's one of those big kids at the top of the chain intimidating the little ones off the toys! I stopped taking him in the end as I found the whole thing too difficult. I think actually at this age they are just too old for it anyway and the boredom is another thing that makes them misbehave. These kind of environments do make it harder for the children to be generous and kind. It's very dog eat dog.

Gussy - To be honest I would say that you have been pretty unlucky with it 3 days in a row. I didn't have any problem with your original post, I can imagine it is upsetting. But the following posts referring to children as 'damn brats' and that they totally deserve to be shouted at I do find really OTT. You have no idea what is going on in that small person's life and people need to deal with things in a calm way and sort it out. Dragging a child over kicking and screaming, laying into them verbally and demanding they say sorry is not going to make that kid not do it again. If anything they will copy the aggression that they have just seen from the adult. You can't always see everything that goes on. Especially at softplay/one o clock club...the kids are too fast and sometimes it's too busy. It's unreasonable to assume that the parent doesn't give a damn and is turning a blind eye. Most parents I have met/seen do care what their kids are up to. LEDfamily - I struggle to see how a 3.5 year old can be described as 'thuggish'. Sometimes it takes a long time for kids to get over having a sibling, or some other massive life change. A couple of 'no's' don't always work as quickly as you would like. If your child is that compliant then fairplay. Mine is not.

Oh for goodness sakes....they are CHILDREN!!! This stuff is quite normal, although not pleasant. There's not little thugs, they're just learning how to get on with life. Even at 3.5, particularly boys, don't always have the language to be able to resolve 'disputes'. Getting all hysterical about kids being a bit aggressive with each other is ridiculous! I am sure that the parents of the children who hurt your little ones are also upset about it and do care about your children. My little boy became a quite aggressive after his baby brother was born, as he took the whole thing badly...he's not a mean kid, but did take this out on younger ones. What I would like from other parents is understanding....remember that? Not taking the moral high-ground because your kids would never do anything like this! And when you have a tiny baby it is impossible to keep an eye on a 3 year old at all time, especially in soft play. I found it really upsetting seeing him change overnight like this, but he was obviously hurting and very very jealous. I don't have a problem with other people telling him off but you're all acting like these children should be given ASBOs. It's ridiculous!

"I do realise children can pick up language from anywhere so society is also to blame. But in this case I would hope that your reaction to such language would mean that the child wouldn't say it again- and come to understand it's true meaning rather than dismissing it for being innocent. I'm certainly not demonising the child, but it is the responsibility of the parent to teach children right from wrong. Zeban Have you ever spent any time with children ever?! This is all bonkers! If you start telling kids not to use this or that naughty word that is the very first thing they will do! How brilliant - watch mummy and daddy's amazing reaction when I say @?$**!! The only way you can teach children truely is by giving a good example. I just don't think the odd swear word is that bad. If you ignore it and don't act like it's the end of the world and what a terrible parent I must be...they just stop doing it. Swearing can be picked up from ANYWHERE. It's not always a reflection of parenting. And the child saying to the nurse 'get off my bloody arm' is in context, but you know nothing about this child/family. Why on earth is a 3 year old going to show any respect to a nurse who is about to jab a needle in her arm. She's 3! She doesn't know what is about to happen. She is powerless and about to be physically hurt. Ok, so she swore. There are worse words.

I don't think I'm naive at all. I've lived in Peckham for 14 years afterall! But phrases like 'military style discipline' and 'semi-feral spoilt brats' sit uncomfortably with me. For example if teachers had this prejudice, how does that indicate respect to the kids in any way? Why should they earn it if people think this of them and that they are beyond hope? And what's wrong with choosing what A-levels and degrees they do? They know best what suits their own needs and personal development, rather than fitting in with the governments agenda for what people should be employed to do. From what i can gather it's them that have caused the unemployment issues in the first place.

new mother Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > Thrilled to learn of Harris strictness and of > standards being maintained in a school. Many of > these boys, and inner city boys in general, lack > proper male role models and an element of > discipline will go SOME way to providing that. > > I also hope that proper grammar, parsing and use > of language are being taught. I am constantly > surprised to encounter young professionals who > have very poor grammar and no idea when to take a > new sentence or use appropriate punctuation. > > I am totally behind Gove on introducing military > style discipline in schools, if it is needed. I am > sick of hearing of enthusiastic and able children > being held back by semi-feral spoilt brats from > all sections of society who have been brought up > by either doting or absent parents - weirdly, it > seems to come to the same thing - to think that > the world revolves around them. The same type of > teenager whinges that he/she cannot get a job > after doing irrelevant A levels or spending three > years doing something of no good to man nor beast > at university. > > > Go Harris! Just really glad you're not running a school! You're not are you? What makes a good school and well behaved pupils surely has to also involve respect for the kids, stimulating and well taught lessons and supportive and loving parents being very involved in their kids education and development.

Also wanted to add that I think it's pretty important to show understanding, but not freak out about the level of their emotions and then try and be swayed by them, or compensate them in some other way if the situation is uncompromising. In my opinion it can make things worse if they feel their tears and screams have power over you. I mean if they want toast cut a different way, or to wear wellies instead of shoes, or some other trivial thing then it's surely fair enough to go with their decision and pick your battles. I have a VERY tantrum prone kid and I do generally try to find a way of saying 'yes' first, as there are still lots of things I have to stand firm on.

Bee74 it sounds like you are doing a fine job. It's very hard to stay calm when your kid is kicking off. I think showing empathy and waiting out the tantrum and just being there is a really good approach. It respects you child and you are modelling understanding and patience. Occasionally we all get angry and frustrated with little ones, as they can really push our buttons. I have found it helpful to allow myself to feel the angry feelings, but not act on them - if this makes sense! It takes practise and I don't always manage it. It's especially hard not to feel under pressure in a public situation and you automatically feel more judged. Children at that age feel powerless alot of the time I think, on top of that have emotional immaturity and no language to describe their feelings, so it's bound to be difficult for them. i have had some success with offering 2 choices of this or that, particularly with getting dressed etc. It doesn't always work, but is always worth a try. Another thing with tantrums I find is that the tantrum may be to do with something entirely different and not the matter at hand. It could be about the general environment not suiting them, tiredness, hunger, general frustration, previous painful feelings etc etc. I wouldn't beat yourself up about it all. Sounds like you are doing great. It's hard to stay calm all of the time.

I had an Ergo with my first son and used that until he was about 2.5...in fact at 4 he still fits in it, but he is a small 4! For my second baby, over a year old, I've been using a Napsack Baby mei tai, which i'm really loving. Spreads the weight really evenly. So now I'm flitting between the two slings. Have a woven wrap, but it is trickier to get a wriggly baby in like someone has said. Very comfy though, once wrapped.

Quite shocked that people use naughty steps for tantrums to be honest. Are tantrums in themselves naughty? I thought they were just a natural part of a young kids development. Understandable considering the amount of frustrations and lack of autonomy 2/3 year olds have to deal on a very regular basis. I would imagine being left alone when they are totally out of control and don't understand the power of their own emotions is very frightening. You don't have to give in to this or that demand, but surely being understanding of what they are going though and being there is ok? Just because you can change the behaviour and make them say "sorry", doesn't mean they actually feel sorry or remorseful. Supernanny has alot to answer for in my opinion.

Yes, Green and Blue is fab. My favourite. I usually go in there for a coffee and cake to breastfeed my 1 year old with 3.5 year old in tow and the staff have always been absolutely lovely to the kids and myself. It's a very relaxed and calm place (well, until we get there!). They even bring you a glass of water, without it being requested, if they see you're breastfeeding, which I think is damn good service!!

Blimey! My nearly 4 year old rarely dresses himself. He's pretty damn quick at taking all his clothes off at inappropriate times/places, but that's another issue! I'd personally say it's asking too much. He'll do it when he's ready.

I think issues with sibling rivalry are far more complicated than a reward chart could cope with to be honest. I've been having similar problems myself since my second child arrived so I understand where you are coming from. I feel that what reward charts are doing is manipulating the child to behave well, when really she is feeling totally the opposite inside. When a sibling arrives it must rock them to their core and they are probably doubting that we love them, which then results in some low self-esteem and then the attention seeking, aggression or whatever. It's a desperate attempt on their part I think to make it all about them again. I mean, who the hell is this new little person that's now number 1 and getting all mum's attention? I also feel in my case that a telling off etc also made the whole problem worse and he would take it out on his little brother. I tend to remove the baby from any potential swipes and try and distract onto something else, while trying to stay upbeat. Very difficult! The eldest needs to know that feeling aggressive and angry toward the baby is totally normal, and that you love them. Giving the eldest one to one 'special time' each day without the baby there has helped his behaviour. I think it's all much harder work than going the reward chart route, and probably takes alot longer, but ultimately I want my kids to genuinely get on and like each other and not because mummy is going to give them a gold star or buy them a toy. There are many years of sibling issues to deal with and imagine the size of the incentives when they are teenagers!

I did read 'the new birth experience' by Sheila Kitzinger and she reckons that you just need to drink plenty of fluid while you are breastfeeding...water, juice, tea, coffee, beer, champagne!!! I'm going with that one ;)

Personally I tend to use my own judgment on this and ignore the specific advice. With my first baby I was probably more conservative with regards to drinking, but I really haven't worried about it as much with the second. I really didn't much feel like drinking much certainly the first 3 months when the babies were really little. But I breastfed my first child until 27 months and plan to do the same with the second. It's very difficult to abstain from alcohol completely when feeding for that long and I feel that the benefits of breastfeeding probably outweigh the negatives of moderate drinking. To be honest after a hard day with 2 kids I really look forward to a glass of red and a sit down and the de-stressing has to be a good thing. I am sure as long as you are not really downing pints then the baby will be fine.

Hate to say this, but I'm finding age 3 the hardest of the lot so far! Though it could simply be the personality of the little chap. And he has a fairly new sibling. He knows his own mind that's for sure. He can now formulate 20 thousand reasons why he shouldn't do something. He just says "no" with more words and conviction...Plus I can't just pick him up. He's bigger, faster and a force to be reckoned with.

I bought my son an all-seasons wool duvet and it's really fantastic. He tends to be on the hot side at night and never overheats in it because it's very breathable and light. They work by weight rather than tog. Most of the time he uses the summer weight one. We bought one for ourselves too and I love it. I don't feel like i'm vacumn-packed to the bed.

gwod Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > Rememeber that one's experience of the scanning > procedure is very coloured by the outcome. When > all is rosy it's laughs and joy and guessing the > baby's character traits, when there's an indicator > for an abnormality, there are long silences, extra > measuring and probing, trying to ascertain the > full details before presenting them to you....when > something's wrong or potentially wrong you are > frightened and angry at everyone - but it's not > necessarily the scanner's fault. I'm afraid this wasn't the case. He was totally rude and non-communicative before we even found out anything was 'wrong'...which wasn't until after the scan was over. It was guess work up until that point. The bit where he told us what this meant actually wasn't as bad, as he was at least very matter of fact and didn't dramatise it. It would have been professional to have looked at my notes and known that I had not had the nuchal scan, rather than ask me while I am lying there with an image up on the screen. I had several precautionary scans after this one and the sonographers who did them were very professional, polite and informative and I felt like an actual person. To be in such a people related profession and have such dreadful communication skills just seems crazy.

I think it's really hit and miss, depending on who you get. I had a dreadful experience at my 20 week scan, where they did find something slightly unusual which can be a marker for other health issues for the baby. Honestly the Research Fellow treated me like a slab of meat on a trolley. Didn't give me eye contact, got grumpy because the baby was in the wrong position, didn't explain once what he was looking at, asked me whether I had had the chromosomal tests (I had chosen not to) while still staring at the screen. When I asked "why?" he said very bluntly 'would you keep the baby if there was anything wrong'. I mean how unbelievably tactless is that?! I was 23.5 weeks at this point. I was utterly panic stricken. After the scan he explained the problem in a very vague way leaving me to look it up on the internet and freak myself out even more. It totally ruined the rest of my pregnancy and I couldn't enjoy it until the little thing was born and I could see for myself that he was absolutely perfect. I phoned up and made a complaint and spoke to one of the midwives in the department, who was very reassuring on the phone. At a follow up scan I asked if I could be scanned by a midwife and I have to say she was amazing. 2 students were also there helping and they were great too. They knew how worried I was and explained everything to me. Every little detail and did some 4D scans just to put my mind at rest. It makes such a difference having a bit of humanity and someone realising that it is a concerned woman lying there carrying a baby. Having someone say 'there is your beautiful baby' makes such a difference!

Molly - now that is an absolutely brilliant technique! I so wish I had known that with my first. Nappy changing was an utter nightmare and he didn't potty train till past 3, so basically 2.5 years of hellishness!! Anyway, No.2 still ok about nappy changes, but will implement it as soon as there is a wriggle....

I can so relate to this problem. I have a couple of smug friends myself and it drives me mad. I don't understand how anyone can find it easy and if they say they do they must surely be lying! Also children are all different and some are definitely more challenging than others. The thing is that the character traits that make it very difficult for us to parent are the same traits that will really help them to become successful and independent adults. Or so I tell myself on the dark days! I don't think I would want my little one to be any different in the slightest. I love the vitality, cheekiness, curiosity and sheer rebelliousness of him. He has spirit aplenty. What I don't like is other parents with naturally more compliant children assuming that such and such a behaviour is caused by my parenting, when what it is is just a development stage and will pass. I mostly try and avoid parents who are too uptight as frankly they are no fun to hang out with. Kids can be hilarious and the horror stories are the best (in retrospect!). I think this friend is very selfish to keep these to herself!

I had Dan from Dulwich Therapy Rooms too. I would definitely recommend it. About half an hour afterwards my waters broke in a cafe and I just about made the walk home to have the baby a couple of hours later!

I found the East Dulwich NCT great. The classes were really balanced and in no way 'new age'. Lots of good factual info about hospital and home births, breast-feeding and bottle feeding etc, without coming across as opinionated. I made some good friends who I still see 3.5 years later. I would say it's well worth doing.

I breastfed my first until over 2 yrs. We did it really gradually by cutting down the feeds until we were on one a day. Then we dropped that one and said "milk all gone" (or something to that effect) I think we did get a couple of minor tantrums, but it passed in a couple of days. At least I can't remember it being that traumatic for anyone. I think that going away for a few days possibly makes it harder on the child, as they do not have the comfort of the boob or you. And actually it is ok to say "no" now that you feel it's time to stop.

"I think as a woman commenting on the women institute I have the right to comment. Unless you are hiding a pair of tits and a vagina behind that Jeremy then I don't think it has much to do with you. I am thinking of starting up the Dulwich WI for people who fancy doing it properly." Just a totally offensive and sexist comment. You are making 'your' Dulwich WI sound very unappealing indeed!