cuppa tea

I've stopped moaning altogether....to anybody..as just ended up with stream of advice, or "well you dad wasn't around and I had to do it all on my own, blah de blah". I just don't understand what this line of conversation is supposed to achieve? It's weirdly competitive somehow. I usually end up responding badly and then it all goes a bit tit for tat. Having children in whatever generation has to be extremely challenging!

Smiler - Grandparents have a very rosy tinted idea of 'how things were'. How my mum can remember 38 years ago, when I cannot remember my 4 year old as a baby is totally beyond me! She's even said "I'm sure all babies used to sleep in my day. I can't remember anybody complaining of lack of sleep. They all used to sleep through". After 2 years of NO SLEEP, you can imagine I didn't react very well to that one!

renren - I definitely think there is something in the idea that our parents can't cope with seeing us 'struggling'. My mum is certainly saying that "life must be so hard for me" and "I see you not coping", which to be honest is very patronising. i keep trying to tell her that this really is not what "not coping" looks like. Then I think she blames my child for giving me a hard time. I am then protective of him and the cycle continues. Smiler - thanks for the book recommendation. I will give it a go. The rivalry seems to escalate each time the baby goes through a development stage and becomes more of a threat, or he is unwell and more clingy. Bellendenbear - You are definitely not alone! It must surely be a common issue. I definitely think that it would work having counselling for just yourself. After all it is your problem in the sense that it is upsetting you, probably more than your mother. I think Smiler has a strong point about not justifying ourselves, or getting into debate. Sometimes when I do this I feel that I have opened up the way I do things to a board of trustees, who then have the right to say how my children are raised. It is my decision alone. Certainly in my case it's an assertiveness problem with my own mum, as well as some kind of weird over-dependency thing. I perhaps am doubting myself and my mothering and it then leaves people to offer suggestions or criticisms. None of this is helped by the fact that we are living in a society which 'blames the mother' for any problems with children, as well as mothering, or parenting being seen as not a valuable job. Whatever you can do to raise your own confidence and finding a way of parenting yourself without needing approval from your mother is worth it. There...I seemed to have answered my own question!!

hah44, how funny and sweet - you're husband is lucky! Saffron - I think it's probably worth a try. We are in stale mate at the moment. I am getting far too emotional about it all and it's very difficult to react in an appropriate way myself. Thanks.

Yes you are right Womanofdulwich. I was raised in a very different way! Smacking was totally acceptable and I think I was smacked quite often. Definitely a 'seen and not heard' approach as I was growing up. I think my parents think that giving a kid some freedom to make their own choices means that they will end up being an anti-social tyrant. The trouble I have is that my mum seems to use my child's behaviour as proof that this will be the case, whereas I am pretty certain that this behaviour won't go on forever.

I think you've hit on a point there that I am probably trying to get approval from my mum and that I probably shouldn't give a damn whether she thinks I am a good mum or not. It does seem hard to be free of this, as the lines between where she is interfering and taking over and where I am not being assertive enough about how I do things, is so blurred. I'm trying to sort out my son's jealousy by getting to the root of the problem and giving him more 1 to 1, helping him to feel less insecure and loved, rather than punishing him for it and perpetuating the cycle of him feeling bad about himself. She steams in and gets angry with him and then it seems we go backwards 10 paces. Very frustrating. I just don't think whether my approach is right or wrong needs to be on trial, as however I do things they are my kids. Anyway, I guess me growing up a bit would definitely help. Somehow when with my parents I turn into a rebellious 16 year old again! Thanks for sharing your insights. Very helpful.

Hi, I was wondering if anyone else finds that the relationship they have with their mother/mother-in-law has changed since having children? Since having my children relations between me and my mum have become increasingly strained to the point that now we cannot spend time together with the kids unless my husband, or her husband is there. I think I have chosen to bring up my children quite differently to how she did things and perhaps this is causing the problem. I feel constantly critisised. My 4 year old's behaviour has been pretty dreadful since having his brother, now 1 yr. He is obviously jealous and feeling rejected. He lashes out at his brother sometimes, (usually when my mum is around!) and my mum just cannot handle this. She doesn't think it should be happening and blames my more empathetic style of parenting. I feel that we cannot meet until I have a very well behaved child, which is definitely asking too much of a 4 year old, (or any child for that matter!), otherwise it causes arguments. I just don't have the emotional support from her I need and I am wondering if I am simply asking too much? Anyway, I'd be interested to hear other stories and what you did to try and improve things. Thanks.

They do a bra fitting service upstairs in Pretty Pregnant on Northcross Road...I found it really good. I have uneven boobs and I'm not sure that you can do that much to compensate it, but I the woman in there said most people have this to some extent. The woman who measured me was lovely and I did get a very well fitting and beautiful 'Hot Milk' bra from them. Saved a trip into town towing 2 kids, so I was extra delighted...

Beautiful! i think you possibly need to charge more too. I bought a baby wool hat from Partridges (when it was open) for ?15...and these are much nicer.

"the problem isn't that my boy doesn't concentrate, he does, he's really good at concentrating its just that he tends to concentrate on climbing, balancing, testing his strength and speed! I don't see this as a bad thing, its simply him living out who he is." Brilliant! I have a little boy just like this and I have always tried to think of an eloquent way of putting this....thank you!

Incidentally, Mark Twain was homeschooled!

"I could never leave london - country is a place you visit, and remember your kids will not thank you when they are teenagers and you become a 24hour taxi service because their best mate lives in the next village." But they are very unlikely to get caught up in gang warfare or be mugged returning home from a party...the countryside has it's bonuses!

"They want excitement, stimulation, inspiration, engagement, exploration and access to the wider world that surrounds them. These factors apply to many of their friends, no matter their demographic background." Depressingly, I am not sure you will ever find this from a school. As long as schools operate on a punishment/reward system, force feed kids subjects they are not interested in, keep them inside a building for hours a day and where competing against your peers is necessary and encouraged, schools will remain the dubious institution that they are. Personally I'm looking into homeschooling. It certainly solves the problem of finding a decent school place!

Oh I loved that - thanks!

I had a 2.9 age gap and tried to do sling and micralite buggy for a while, but we don't have a car and I had to walk 15 minutes to and from nursery 4 times a day mon/thur/fri. The sling killed my back in the end and I have lots of comfy slings! My son was not yet at the stage where he could walk next to me safely on a busy road so I relented and bought a phil & teds. I have to say it's been great. A real life saver. I would have loved to avoid buying one, as now he's 4 and the baby 14 months and we don't use it anymore. Probably for about a year it was really vital for me. Carrying a baby and pushing a heavy toddler with all their stuff is hard work and I couldn't be out all day like that. The double buggy is really good for doing long trips and you can take so much with you. I would say if you have a strong back and your eldest will use a buggy board I would go for that as you will probably only use the double buggy for a year and they are pretty expensive and cumbersome. On the upside at least they hold their value if you want to re-sell them afterwards.

'Developmental aggression' can go on longer than age 3 of course. I honestly do not see how a 3 year old can be a thug. Even the law doesn't think children fully understand right from wrong until they are 10.... And how can you follow an older child around while you are breastfeeding a baby...If anyone has any answers to this I would like to hear them! Most children at one time or another behave aggressively. I would say this is more normal than not. I don't think anyone is saying that hurting another is OK. I'm sure most parents prevent it when possible. It's just not always possible. These incidents need to be kept in perspective.

I think you are right hellosailor. I've always gone with the theory that you meet the need and it eventually goes away. Seems to work. Some babies do seem to be needier than other. As long as your back can handle it I would personally go with the slinging. My two have both loved it and it really worked for us. She won't want to be there forever, they will want to get down and explore at some point. When your partner gets home I would strap the baby onto him and have a break though! Once she can hold her head up and her neck is strong you can put her on your back and that is really liberating too.

Just to add, I had one of these sling as it was fab. Bit like swaddling too. so so comfy: http://www.mobywrap.com/

My son was just like this. Wouldn't be put down, cried alot, wouldn't be held by anyone else, if he was put down in his moses basket he curled up into an angry ball and screamed his head off until he was picked up. Even if he was in the deepest sleep when you put him there he would somehow know he was about to be conned into it. It is very hard work. BUT it passed all on it's own like most things with kids seems to. By about 3 months he had gotten over most of this. He would still cry alot on other people, but he would lie for longer and longer stints and be ok. As he became more independent and could sit up by himself it was loads easier. With him I think it was largely the frustration of being a baby. Simple as that. It's hard on you though. I am hesitant to give advice, but I would invest in a very good comfy sling! It saved my sanity. I found co-sleeping a bit of a saviour too. Also you do have to meet your own needs too. This is very important. We don't live in tribal communities any more where there is always someone there to pick up a crying baby. That's just the reality of it, so I wouldn't give yourself a hard time if she screams all the way through your shower, or while you are on the toilet. It doesn't mean you are a bad mum or it will damage her in any way. My second baby has had to do this much more as there are more people's need to meet and they can't all be met at once. I hate him having to cry, but sometimes there is nothing I can do about it. It will be much easier as she gets older. 5 week old babies are very needy. Hope this helps a little bit.

I'd second washable wipes. They're fantastic and so so easy. Even if you decide not to use washable nappies they are still worth it. I didn't use them with my first kid, but wish i had thought of it.

Oh yes, and I would second a super-king bed if you can afford/fit it in. It's absolutely been the best money we have ever spent!

I really wouldn't expect to get anything actually 'done'. Once you accept that the rest is alot easier! My house is a filthy hole, there's a pile of washing to do, a pile to put away, I don't do ironing, barely manage cooking, sometimes manage shopping (thank god for the internet), and the kids regularly go out in dirty clothes with breakfast round their faces. I never have a phone conversation that isn't accompanied by screaming and I forget everyone's birthday. I make it out the house, but usually have to go back as I've left the nappy bag or my credit card, and while out we sprinkle our belongings across Southwark never to be found again. I do remember to bring the kids home, which is something. I look a state as I never go clothes shopping anymore and even if i did it all gets smeared with cream cheese or banana. BUT the kids are happy and thriving, played with and cared for, so something is going right. I will say it is very hard in the beginning. It's crazy times. I don't think it gets easier really, but you will get better and better at it to the point that you feel like you are a superwoman. Give yourself a break and don't have ANY expectations. It's all a big learning.

I think lack of support can make things really difficult. I hadn't thought of it like that. It's a real shame that it seems to be a luxury these days.I understand totally where you are coming from KatsuQueen. I was lucky and had some support which allowed me to be able to concentrate entirely on my baby and how to feed him etc. I think people have to get through it however they can to be honest. I just found people are obsessed with babies sleeping through the night and getting into routines and I found this very difficult as both mine are absolutely rubbish sleepers as babies and refuse routine. Honestly the advice on how to do it was ENDLESS!!! I think that advice erodes away at us being confident to listen to the babies needs. THere is far too much contradictory information out there.

I would ignore everyone else and ditch the parenting books. You know what to do I am sure. She's your baby and it sounds as though you are listening to her beautifully. She will tell you what she needs. I wish I had listened to my own advice and done the same! I was so bogged down with advice from family, friends and other mums that it made it miserable. Both mine sound like similar babies to yours. If they need a routine they will eventually fine their own when they are ready.

cloth nappies are great. Not a hassle. It's mostly about getting used to them. I put my 2nd in disposables at night, as I got a bit suspicious that he was sleeping better because of them, as he felt drier, and was too scared to change it! Used cloth with my first also. I think we have saved an absolute fortune!! Even since my first baby the cloth nappies have really improved their design. You can get really slim fitting ones now. You also get the ?40 from Southwark for each child. The only potential down side is that i need to change them every couple of hours as my kids are nappy rash prone, whereas disposables I can get away with not changing them as much. I have to agree that I think eco-disposables are also a bit of a con. Moltex are better, but even they don't completely biodegrade. I don't think the Sainsbury's ones biodegrade at all. I do use them as well as cloth, but I really think they need to up their game.