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cuppa tea

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Everything posted by cuppa tea

  1. mockney piers Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > I can't see anything wrong with a naughty step, > especially with young ones with limited linguistic > skills. > you have to let kids feel that they've done > something wrong, and sitting them on your knee > saying 'well timmy you need to understand that > there are some things we just don't do' is not > going to achieve much when all they'll understand > is 'mwa Timmy mwa mwa mwa mwa mwa mwa mwa'. > I guess the older they get the more you can move > to reasoning from conditioning. > > We all muddle through lets face it, but my dad had > a (rare) bit of good advice on this. > "Whatever disciplinary measures you take, never > withdraw love from them, that's the most damaging > thing you can do." > > Moos struck me as someone wanting constructive > criticism rather than just criticism. But from a young kids perspective they often don't think they have done anything wrong, they are just trying their best they can to get their needs met. It's just not always that obvious what their needs are by from their immediate behaviour. Hmmmm "withdrawing love" is very ambiguous. Time outs purposely use the fact that you are withdrawing your attention/time from them. Don't kids experience their parents time and attention as love? You don't have to teach kids right from wrong. They would learn it for themselves by being in a loving family...just like they learnt to walk and talk, by being around people who walk and talk.
  2. helena handbasket Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > Agree with above. Twenty years in child > psychology and education and yet every day with my > son I realize how little I really know. Actually > being a parent has made me better professionally. And there's me feeling like I need a degree in child psychology to be a parent....relieved that it makes no difference what so ever!! I have a friend who works in child protection who has fairly recently had a baby and she is finding her job much much tougher than before. I guess your sensitivies change forever.
  3. Moos Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > Oops, just caught zeban's post. Hopefully my last > explains. cuppa tea and others, thanks for your > responses - food for thought. Ctea, how old is > your LO? My boy just 4. The baby is of course > just a baby and not able to be either naughty or > good! He's 4 funnily enough! Trickiest age so far eh?! Also wanted to add that what I am finding, (and what I am very bad at), is making sure my own needs are met so I can then have more patience and have my head in the right place for when I am with my children. Can't underestimate the power of this. This is the trouble with parenting manuals/gurus....it stresses me out and makes me neurotic!! Go for a massage and make sure you never run out of wine and the other stuff will sort itself out ;)
  4. She's not is she? I took it Moos was just curious.
  5. new mother Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > CT most people don't do that as it is a fire > hazard.... Yes, this was what worried me about it most. I don's see this friend much, but I have to mention it next time I do. It's one of those things that I didn't react to straight away because I was a shocked. Bit disappointed in myself! It's an example of how lines are blurred in that she is a very good loving parent in every other way....sometimes at the end of our tethers we do less than loving things to our children. Another horror story: I remember a neighbour, who lived upstairs, asking me to babysit her baby by just bringing down the baby monitor as it still had frequency. I said that I couldn't do that and babysat in the usual way by sitting in her lounge. Had there been a fire I would not have known anything about it for some time being the flat below. I have know several people who do this!!
  6. helena handbasket Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > I know what an emotionally unhealthy family home > looks like, and it has nothing to do with naughty > steps or controlled crying I can assure you. I wasn't saying that a family who uses naughty steps is emotionally unhealthy, I just don't find them to be particularly effective way of dealing with things and worry about the blanket use of them. It's a relatively new thing - My parents never used it, and my mum says that she doesn't know anyone who used it, so really we don't know the effect of these things.
  7. Moos Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > Would still be interested to know what > disciplinary techniques you use on your kids, > zeban? And civilservant? Sorry I know you're not addressing me Moos, but giving my penny's worth!; personally I think any 'disciplinary technique' will ultimately either stop working, or create a problem with parent/child relationship later on. The 'bad behaviour' is just a symptom of an underlying problem. You won't sort out the bad behaviour until you get to the root of it. I am not expert at this...still working on my own often shoddy parenting. I just think it's worth questioning the 'wisdom' of naughty steps, as I do think it's a fashion and I see it everywhere. It's extremely over-used to control very minor behaviour issues in young kids. I have found the punishment/reward way of doing things makes all my problems with my child worse. But then, perhaps he's a certain type of kid. His 'bad behaviour' stem from jealousy issues, social awkwardness, if the environment is stressful, unable to communicate what he needs to fast enough, feeling scared and insecure etc, and various other needs that aren't being met for one reason or another. Putting him on a naughty step is basically punishing him for being those things and will ultimately make him feel more insecure, and then make the behaviour more challenging. it's a vicious circle.
  8. Lochie Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > thanks everyone, really useful comments. Son is > going to nursery in sept so am hoping that being > around other toddlers and having someone who is > not 'mum' correcting his behaviour might help with > this. we'll see! Oh...don't want to put a damper on this, but I found my son picked up a fair few other dirty tricks when he started nursery from being around other kids! I think he was pretty well behaved at the nursery, saved it up for home!
  9. Difficult! I would call the NSPCC and ask for advice, after witnessing/hearing it yourself. I have never phoned them, but I would imagine you can do it all anonymously without actually saying who the people involved are. Swearing at a child is considered abuse isn't it? I found it upsetting to read, so something is not sitting right with me. I am sure sometimes our neighbours, hearing us through their walls probably feel like calling social services - the noise is often incredible and things can get very stressful and I would consider myself someone who 'copes'. That said, I don't like the 'naughty step' idea either. I think it's really open to abuse, which to some extent sounds like what these people are doing. How many people can stay calm and controlled enough at the moment of stress to explain it all in a reasonable way to the child? IMO it is also saying it's ok to leave your kids in isolation for x amount of time. It's the modern day smack, no more or less effective. I have used it very briefy, but never found it 'worked' for me or my child. It's weird that some woman on the telly suggests it during a highly edited tv programme and suddenly it becomes an accepted way of doing things. Questionable. Editd to add that I have friends I would consider good parents in most ways, who lock their kids in their bedroom at night so they can get a good nights sleep. My head does funny things when I think about this, as in every other way they are very loving! Desperate measure maybe.
  10. Fuschia - What age would you say Kung Fu is good? Is 4 too young?
  11. There's a great osteopath called Tania, in the Dulwich Therapy Rooms (above Health Matters). She really helped sort my back out after birth. Though if it's muscular and tension, then a good regular massage may sort it too.
  12. They're missing a huge and very obvious trick if they don't want families and kids in there! Right next to the park in the middle of nappy valley!
  13. Dog free zone: It's the fenced off picnic area, quite near the playground. Back of the Japanese Garden. Yes I think we expect too much. I've never asked my son himself to apologise. It has always seemed quite bonkers, as it is plainly obvious that he is not sorry and doesn't mean it. I apologise for him and let him off the hook with regards to that. There is no point him angrily screaming "SORRY!!!!" at someone...I then have to ask him to say sorry for screaming sorry, if you see what I mean!
  14. Dog free zone: It's the fenced off picnic area, quite near the playground. Back of the Japanese Garden. Yes I think we expect too much. I've never asked my son himself to apologise. It has always seemed quite bonkers, as it is plainly obvious that he is not sorry and doesn't mean it. I apologise for him and let him off the hook with regards to that. There is no point him angrily screaming "SORRY!!!!" at someone...I then have to ask him to say sorry for screaming sorry, if you see what I mean! He is a certain character though!
  15. Belle Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > The trouble is open spaces present > another set of problems - constant escaping in our > case! You could choose places that are 'open' but also contained, to make life a bit easier.EG. the 'dog-free zone' in Peckham Rye used to be vital for me, Goose Green playground, Wildlife Garden, Horniman sandpit is fairly enclosed and to some extent One O'Clock clubs - though I still used to find these clubs could be stressful at times.
  16. No we haven't done any of those. I am paranoid about being a pushy mum. Maybe when the kid is a bit older. Toying with the idea of some kind of martial art, so he can fight in safety and, in theory, help him to control his aggression!
  17. By activities, do you mean classes? Or do things like soft play count? At 4 he struggles with following instructions and finds set activities too restrictive, so we tend to do things that are very free. I remember doing ballet. It definitely wasn't my idea. I fell over the first session and refused to go back. I have since always been put off dance. Hence why I am hesitant to sign my kids up to anything that isn't totally their idea!
  18. I think they are too young to understand right from wrong at that age. It's a phase they have to go through. Personally I would have a break from the groups. Other parents are terribly unforgiving. Your son, if anything like mine was, might be happier with certain friends on more of a one to one, or meeting people out and about where there is space and no toys. Picking other parents who share similar philosophies and where the kids are a good fit is pretty vital.
  19. Fuschia Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > Otta, I doubt she did > > But at the age of 7 or so I think she would > realise it was an unkind thing to do > > But my main point really was about the father ... > Surely it's instinctive to apologise on behalf of > your child if they hurt or uOset a much smaller > child I just suppose with human nature as it is, we could all act more appropriately with hindsight. Yesterday, after a long stressful day, I threw a plate of food onto the floor in a temper. Now I am 37! And hypocritically I often expect my children to be able to contain their rage.....it's unreasonable when I am incapable of keeping a lid on my own. At age 7 she probably knew afterwards it was an unkind thing to do, but it is also possible that it was spontaneous, inappropriate behaviour. The pre-meditated angle on it is from an adult perspective and not a child's. For example, could you really have controlled your initial glare? I very much doubt it, for the same reasons - emotions often come first, particularly when it's our own child who has been wronged. New Mother: "It boils down to basics. I am fundamentally traditional in my views about bringing up children and I expect adults to discipline them and control them as part of nurturing them and loving them to the ends of the earth. I see the "consistently saying no" thing as an unpleasant parent duty. I would much much rather eg supply them with an extra piece of cake for example and see their smiles. But parents haveto set boundaries and say no, in my view. If parents are failing in this - errrr see every stratum of British society for more details - then other parents have to step in to protect their children." What proof do you have the everything wrong about "British Society" is down to parents' lack of boundaries. From what I can see around authoritarian style parenting is the norm. Personally I think that discipline and control are sure ways of teaching kids to become self-centred and angry. It doesn't necessarily create kind, happy people. In my experience (which, granted, is limited to my own challenging kids and how I was parented)'working with' approach is more effective than a 'doing to' one. I don't imagine for one minute I am going to convince you, but personally I would rather not believe the hype and panic about raising 'disaffected youths'. Controlling people makes them controlling too.
  20. Pocket Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > Honestly. Who cares? People aren't like you, or > me (each of us will probably shout 'Hallelujah' on > that score): people have different viewpoints and > different ways of handling events. Maybe just > spend a little bit of time away from the Forum, > enjoy and accept the madness of life around us, > and chill out a bit, eh? > > Am off to practice what I preach; so thankfully > won't be around to read everyone's foaming at the > mouth replies. What?! I love bickering on the forum! Gets it out of my system, so I can be nice to my husband instead of bickering with him instead ;)
  21. new mother Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > The subsequent deliberate drenching of the baby > was an assault bythe child - but beneath the age > of criminal responsibility - and if the father > had seen it and failed to stop it, he could be > done for aiding and abetting the assault. > > All, the bigger issue is that some people here > think that children have no need to take > responsibility or behave. THat worries me. In a > previous era, the man would have walloped the > child there and then as would have any passing > neighbour. I am no lawyer, but I don't think drenching a baby (unpleasant as it is for that baby) with water is considered assalt. There is also a reason that age 7 is considered below the age of criminal responsibility, or does the age of the child not matter in any way here? I can barely bring myself to comment on the 'walloping the child' bit - as though this is what should have/still be happening. We have moved beyond this surely?
  22. new mother Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > Damn iPhone - I reached the bottom of some screen > it had set up. > > I was about to say that walloping children is > clearly not acceptable to us today but we have to > find way of disciplining them and making them obey > adults. The idea that Fuchsia was a "little bit > rude" to the child concerns me, Dorothy, as it is > exactly this type of attitude that has led us to > where we are - a society where children have > insufficient respect for adults. (in my view!) WOW! Children have insufficient respect for adults because we treat them with little respect ourselves and expect them to 'obey'. What century is this anyway?! To me going to a theme park with water play and not expecting to get wet is quite surprising. The temptation of a child to soak people with a water canon is just too great. They don't know better at age 7. Even I would be tempted! While not nice for a baby...and for what it's worth I would have had words too, demonising the child as some people are doing here, is not setting a great example either. Also do you really want your child to be 'raised by society'? As from what I can see 'society' is not that great! Particularly when grown men will swear at mothers in front of their kids.
  23. I am not sure what my 4 year old has/had is night terrors, but he would wake having a full blown screaming tantrum in his sleep. We'd be unable to calm him down as he was still half asleep and I think it would be about something that happened in his dream. This wasn't as often as every week, more like every month. We were finding that his imagination at about 3 yrs was going crazy and is still like that...which is a good thing I think, but the downside being very vivid dreams. He is afraid of falling asleep, not because of the dreams, but just the sensation of it, and didn't want to fall asleep on his own. We co-sleep now and that has seemed to solved the problem. He doesn't wake at all. Anyway, not suggesting that this may be the right thing for you, but just sharing our experience and what worked for us.
  24. I've had a sense of humour by-pass the last 4 years! But what does help is picking up the camera and taking a photo of the various stages of madness and I can usually laugh at it by looking backwards. Laughing in the present moment is not something I have quite mastered!
  25. We did ours at Glazer Delmar. I think they are on North Cross Road now. It was ?280 + vat for a 'mirrored' will for my husband and I. Was pretty straightforward. I guess they may have put up their prices since moving from Peckham Rye.
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