dulwichmum

IN THE NAME OF GOD!!! (Regains composure) - points to the naughty step...

How disheartening and threatening. It makes me worry about getting old in this country. Poor Poppylucky. I recently witnessed a group of teenage boys waiting for trains at West Dulwich station at this hour, they were all wearing the uniforms of a particular local independant school. Most were squeeling like girls and several of them greeted eachother with a kiss on each cheek when they met and carried paper cups containing coffee/latte etc. I was completely traumatised. I am worried for the next generation.

Kalam sweetie, Pray explain what it would mean if you were to be "breasted"?

Now thats the kind of exercise I enjoy (apart from being beasted around the park by a fit man - clearly)! AND NO, JUST BECAUSE I SAID BEASTED - IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH DOGGING!!!

Yay Will! How very manly of you to stand up and right this wrong. I don't know anyone who would tolerate racism of any description in Dulwich (stamps foot).

Oh Glen darling, my entire body is aching (whimper). I can hardly move, but I am fiercly competitive. I shall "soldier on" ... Of course I am going back! For the view alone (swoon). Perfect Kalam, let me pour you a drink. I can only have sparkling water myself - it is Lent afterall (ohmygod).

Oh Sean darling. You are infinitely sensible (swoon).

Oh Kalam darling, please explain. Can I help at all?

Oh no!

I WAS NOT DOGGING (whimper)

Oh Mick Mac dear heart, Let me pour you some Krug! Chin chin...

Oh King Quid, I couldn't reply to this earlier. I was at church praying for you. Thank God you are OK (sigh).

You are very bitter aren't you? I can't even begin to imagine who you really are P***modern, and you know sweetie, I really don't care. Just take the HRT. You know you want to.

Oh Mr Wolf, you know I can't really do the Lewisham thing, it goes against the grain for me (sigh). I like to disembowel with a smile on my face, and preferably without any discernable change in tone, smiling the whole time through gritted veneered teeth! "trying to be amusing" indeed - this is my bloody life she thinks I am laughing at...

Oh Mr Wolf darling, are you sniffing around for leftovers again darling? Here, let me throw you some lamb...

Postmodern dear heart, I would rather not, if is all the same to you. You are not in my circle sweetie (flounces hair and points to the door)!

Oh Postmodern dear, I am not trying to be amusing. How dare you? I am a carrot, you know it.

Michael darling! Thank God you are here... Sweep me up in your big manly arms and carry me to the nearest private healthcare emporium... I couldn't bear it for those handsome men to see how very exhausted I am. Mr Wolf, I could be hallucinating, but I have no idea what you are talking about (faint).

OH MY GOD!!! I am exhausted. That man was relentless. Someone call a paramedic!

Wee Quinnie, I prefer not to think of it as Shrove Tuesday, and instead Mardi Gras! Anyone fancy a Mojito? Tomorrow we can try cold turkey but tonight lets party (after I return from my romp in Battersea Park)!

My Bulgarian housekeeper makes perfect pancakes. I had her make an enormous mountain of them this morning and coat them in Nutella spread. I then insisted that the au pair ate the lot of them as it is the tradition of this country (my poppets had organic porridge - clearly). That girl is far too skinny if you ask me. She shall have pancakes again for supper, and this time she will have them swimming in maple syrup. Mirror, mirror on the wall...

Darling Shosh, I am at work! I shall be in Battersea Park tonight. So, I should bring my yoga mat should I? I shall ring the au pair and get her to meet me there. How did you know it was cockapoo poo? It could have been a labradoodle! Was the instructor dishy dear chum? Did he make your heart race? And sweet Moos, You don't really feel that my serf is trying to exact revenge do you? I shall have her walk to Battersea from my capacious West Dulwich home with my yoga mat. That'll learn her (stamps foot)!

Mr Andre's charms are not for everyone (swoon). I managed to buy a special tan removing towelette this morning at Fenwicks. I am pale and interesting once more. That au pair must go. Now for a spot of retail therapy to ensure that I have all the right gear for tonight in Battersea Park. If I collapse, those big burley men will carry me off on a stretcher no doubt (swoon). I shall let you know how I get on.

OHMYGOD! That minx of an au pair has gone too far with the false tan! I look like Jordan!

The instructor darling, the instructor is a dream boat - and so am I!