dulwichmum

*Wanders into quiet room with towel on head wearing big fluffy bathrobe* "OHMYGOD! I have such a hangover. I drank so much I was hallucinating and I thought that I saw Michael Palaeologus wearing womens underwear!" *Flops down into purple velvet armchair, pulls enormous acrylic bra out from beneath cushion.* *Thinks to self - "this looks strangely familiar..."* (IT'S NOT MINE, CLEARLY(before you even say it Michael...I NEVER WEAR MAN MADE FIBRES)

*Crawls out from under Keefs lazy boy chair... collapses on the floor (groan)*

*Accepts glass graciously, and plants big kiss on Mr Keef's nose (he is a married man now afterall...)*

Bursts into quiet room - eyes light up with delight. "I'm home boys! Lets have some fun." *Unwraps gifts - and jumps about with glee - you know me so well* *Disappears behind Japanese screen* *Emerges a few minutes later "what do you think?"

Your name: Dulwichmum 4 letter word: Dork Vehicle: Digger TV Show: Dallas City: Dublin (clearly) Boys Name: Damian Girls Name: Delilah Occupation: Dentist Something you wear: Daps (Welsh name for plimsoles) Celebrity: Dustin Hoffman Food: Dates Something found in a kitchen: Draining board Reason for being late: Death Something found in the kitchen: Dates

I hate all of that jargonistic rubbish. It is just an exercise in humiliation if you ask me. They have already decided what they think before you even begin.

I would have new veneers, a rhinoplasty, tummy tuck, breast implants, microdermabrasion, a few fillers and plumpers, a hair do with Nicky Clarke himself, a make-up make over at the Bobbi Brown counter in Fenwick, a manicure, pedicure, personal shopper assisted splurge at Selfridges, a new Audi Q7, my home made over by an interior designer, an au pair, gardener and full-time house keeper and some peacocks installed on the lawn. OHMYGOD!!! I have all of these things already... I really am terribly rich you know. But bear in mind, money can't buy happiness (but it can keep you in comfort while you are miserable:)-D).

*Stands feeling rather horrified by the smell of burning flesh* *Pulls perplexed face as suddenly finds Michael strangely attractive* *Turns around and heads out of the door, but catches ribbon dangling from dress in door!* *Wrentches ribbon free and marches out of room...*

::o

*Flips open special remote accessory in the arm of chair* *Pushes red button with perfectly manicured finger* *Laughs quietly to self while sipping Starbucks Vente Latte (from special metal cup) as Michaels bottom is electrocuted by special cattle prod embeded in his chair*

Indeed, I am a retired brickie from Penge - and my love of the stock of Threshers is indeed well documented! I am sorry I have been absent a lot of late Mr Popalopagus, but very soon indeed - I shall be back to my old tricks, and your underpants shall be in shreds!

Graciously thanks the lovely Mr Keef, whilest removing the aformentioned ... er...neck adornment... Removes small dog from enormous handbag, points to Michael Palaeologus, says... "Dinner is served..."

*Lifts up silky eye shades as is woken by noise of goat* "You are too kind darling man" *Texts Ana to come and collect goat, while thinking to self...* "Sweet Michael, if you try any complex variations on the pearl necklace I shall summon the gendarmes!"

*Looks at Mr Keef - visibly shocked...* *Why Mr Keef, but you are betrothed already, and I am a married lady! - Indeed, you are a devilishly handsome man though... and I love nice rings!!!*

Good for you Keef, it really is a wonderful institution. I am glad my chum is happy, and wish you the best of luck.

*Jumps up and down with glee. Plants enormous big kiss on Lozzyloz and rips off paper. * Shrieks with delight "Hurrah" and jumps in with special chum. *Glances over at the lovely Michael...* "You know how much I love you, now where are my presants???"

*Sniffs "Darling Michael, you will make me cry. I have been working so hard of late with not a minute to spare and then - I had a dreadful birthday" (wails unconsolably)...

Walks sadly into quiet room, feeling very old but looking pert and fabulous in white jeans with fabulous pedicure. Orders large espresso and sneaks small bottle of Baileys out from enormous handbag - thinks to self; "breakfast."

I thought there might be a photo. I cannot believe it. He is a married man afterall. Shame on this "Popbitch" person...

Oh Please, Please, Please... Email it to me? If you can't cut and paste it on here - just email me: [email protected] ... I need to see it, I really do...

I have indeed subscribed as you so kindly suggested, and they sent me lots of juicy gossip - but nothing about the sweet family man you mention above! I am sticking my fingers in my ears and singing out loud, I am sure he is a lovely family man and this article you mention is simply a mis-print...

Darling SimonM, OHMYGOD NO! How could anyone ever say such a dreadful thing about the lovely Mr Nesbit? How very and completely out of character for him!!! I refuse to believe it. He is a married man with children afterall. No, no, no. It simply cannot be true. Could you post a link?

Hi Scruffy Mummy! Long time no see!!!(tu)

Moo Too is one of the best shops on Lordship Lane - I completely agree with Mamafeelgood. Snorky is bound to approve as he owns the premises! They sell super Italian and Scandi designed homewares and clothes. The shop is run by Maggie who was based on Park Hall Road in West Dulwich (Mad Cow Design) for many years, and she is the best interior designer you are likely to come accross. She is extremely talented and is always keen to advise anyone who wants an opinion or advice. I think that it is a super bonus to have a branch on Lordship Lane - or did you all prefer that dreadful old mobile phone shop or empty shop that was there before.

Indeed darling Batdog, I am an employer, but an employee as well (sigh).