Captain Scarlet

HE,He,He,He,He,Ha,Ha,HaB)

Tut,tut you really have a downer on Tarot..Has he upset you Annette?touched a nerve somewhere?. I agree with him that some food is too spicy being sold in mainstream Supermarkets.Packets should be more clearly marked with the active ingredients which might cause a bad reaction for some sentive digestive systems.

What is Eyebrow threading?

You mean you shave?

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car. It turned out to be a tax disc.

Grumpy was arrested for shagging a giraffe, allegedly the other 6 dwarves put him up to it

Dont stop you reading them Alan does it you twat!

good luck as well.....Retro underwear is a good theme to sell and make.

Husband and wife...BEFORE MARRIAGE: Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait! Wife - Do you want me to leave? Husband - No! Don't even think about it. Wife - Do you love me? Husband - Of course! Always have and always will! Wife - Have you ever cheated on me? Husband - No! Why are you even asking? Wife - Will you kiss me? Husband - Every chance I get! Wife - Will you hit me? Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?! Wife - Can I trust you? Husband - Yes. Wife - Darling! AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

Wishing Everone on the board and the joke thread a Merry Christmas. NEW CHRISTMAS REGULATIONS - POLITICAL CORRECTNESS / HEALTH & SAFETY WHILE SHEPHERDS WATCHED While shepherds watched their flocks by night All seated on the ground, The Angel of the Lord came down, And Glory shone around. The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches Health & Safety Regulations to insist the shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided. Therefore, benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs must be available. Shepherds have also requested that, due to inclement weather they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras behind centrally heated shepherd observation huts. The Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his / her Glory all around, the shepherds must be issued with glasses capable of filtering out any harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory lighting. LITTLE DONKEY Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road, Got to keep on plodding onwards, with your precious load. The RSPCA has issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. Also in the guidelines are permitted feeding breaks, and at least one rest break in a four-hour plodding period. Due to the risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear facemasks. The ?Little Donkey? has expressed his discomfort as being labelled ?Little? and would prefer to being simply referred to as ?Mr Donkey?. Comments upon his height or otherwise are considered to be a breach of his equine rights. WE THREE KINGS We three Kings of Orient are, Bearing gifts we traverse afar, Field and fountain, Moor and Mountain, Following yonder star. Whilst the gift of Gold is still considered acceptable ? as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations such as ?Cash4Gold? etc., gifts of Frankincense and Myrrh are not appropriate due to the risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. An acceptable alternative might be a gift voucher. It is not recommended that traversing Kings should rely on star navigation, and would advise the use of AA RouteFinder or Sat Nav. Both can provide the quickest route and advise on fuel consumption. As in the case of Mr. Donkey, the three camels require regular rest and food breaks and facemasks for the three Kings are obligatory due to the likelihood of desert dust disturbed by the camel hooves. THE ROCKING CAROL Little Jesus sweetly sleep, do not stir, We will lend a coat of fur, We will rock you, rock you, rock you, We will rock you, rock you, rock you, Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants due to the risk of allergy and for ethical reasons. Therefore, false fur, a cellular blanket or, perhaps, micro-fleece material should be considered alternatives Please note that, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau (CRB) check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock Baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before any rocking commences. JINGLE BELLS Dashing through the snow on a one-horse open sleigh, Over fields we go ? laughing all the way. A Risk Assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to ride. The Risk Assessment should also consider whether the use on only one horse in appropriate ? particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Permission from landowners must be gained before entering any ?Open Fields?. To avoid offending those not participating in the venture, it is required that only ?moderate? laughter is used and not at a noise level likely to be of nuisance to others. RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose, And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows, All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names, They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games. You are advised that, under the Equal Opportunities Policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment upon the ruddiness of Mr. R. Reindeer. Name-calling contravenes our Anti-Bullying policy, and further to this, the exclusion of Mr. R. Reindeer from any reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against anyone found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented, leading to imposing sanctions such as a ban from hanging up stockings or enjoying Christmas dinner. AWAY IN A MANGER Away in a manger ? no crib for a bed? Refer to Social Services immediately!

I had a bad surfing accident, i went to the doctors and showed him the large bruises on my penis he asked "did the board snap?" I said "no, that was when i slammed the laptop lid down when the wife came home early"

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

well as Admin think im a racist!!! hers another one for ya! On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

Lol good one:)-D

Some people dont get sent a Christmas Card. Seems a bit mean Sue that your putting down the couple Who Like you enouth to even bother to send you a card,even if it is the 1st December. Are you misses Scrooge?

cheesy poofs

Ill take that as a compliment.

In 100 yrs we will be all dead. Racism,Religion,politics will still exist..Major causes of upheavel in the world.

There's these two lepers playing cards, the one threw his hand in the other one laughed his head off

Here's a racist joke. A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese." "No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?" "You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!" "No, no," the copilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese." "Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...doesn't matter, you're all alike!" There were a few minutes of silence. "No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces. "Why not?" asks the captain. "Jews sink Titanic," the copilot responds. "Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!" "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah...all same!"....

Police in Alabama found a dead black man tied to a tree. He had 2 broken legs. 12 stab wounds and 8 bullet wounds. The sheriff said it was the worst suicide he had ever seen.

Had to have a mole removed from my penis at the hospital yesterday..the RSPCA let me off with a warning this time.

7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend Beautiful Intelligent Gentle Thoughtful Innocent Trustworthy Sensible ...or for short...B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting pedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.