Captain Scarlet

Waitrose withdraws ?essential? range after finding poor people in stores UK supermarket chain Waitrose have withdrawn their popular ?essential? range after discovering that the cut-price products had led to a number of poor people shopping there. The discount brand, launched in 2009 to help Waitrose?s core customer base cope with the recession without having to downgrade one of their Range Rovers..., was proving extremely successful. This success appears to have come at a price though, with the unwanted side effect of attracting the working class. ?At first it worked fine, our regular shoppers were delighted with the new range, and common people were still put off by the Waitrose branding? explained marketing director Rupert Thomas, ?but as we advertised more, and made the mistake of including the prices of products in our TV commercials, we began to see some undesirable characters appearing in our aisles, enticed in by the prospect of finding a tin of beans for under ?5, which they previously hadn?t expected from us. One horrid man even came in wearing a Hi-Vis vest looking for a sandwich. It was awful.? The popularity of the ?essential? range had seen it quickly expand to include affordable versions of many foodstuffs and household items. To make matters worse Waitrose also starting pointing out that many of their prices were the same as those found in Tescos, attracting even more lower class shoppers and alienating many of their existing clientele. ?It was so demeaning finding out that I wasn?t paying any more for my groceries than a common chav? moaned former Waitrose customer Emily Hamilton-Brown. ?I?ve gone back to doing my weekly shop at Fortnum & Mason now, just to make sure I don?t accidentally purchase something that?s buy-one-get-one-free.? ?Hopefully withdrawing the products and stopping the adverts will stop any additional commoners coming in,? continued Mr Thomas, ?but we still have the problem of getting rid of the ones that have already started shopping with us. They?re still turning up, wandering around looking a bit lost and not buying anything. We?re thinking of putting up signs outside pointing out that Lidl down the road has some great deals on, or maybe we?ll just put down some traps baited with chicken nuggets so we can catch them humanely and release them in Asda.?B)

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

Yawn!

Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The other men looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager" the American said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished his conversation, he explained: "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but was determined not to be outdone. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a long piece of toilet paper trailing from his backside. The others raised their eyebrows at him. The Irishman glanced around and said: "Bejesus! Wouldja look at dat!! I'm gettin' a fax!"

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman sitting in the bar, the Eng said,,I have a good one ! My wife floated 2 feet above me when she had an orgasm, great! I'll drink to that they said. 5 mins later Jock says, My wife floated 4 feet abv me after an orgasm, WoW! I'll drink to that they said. 5 mins later Paddy pipes up and said, I got a wee cracker, me missus hit di fikin roof after I whipe me dick on the curtain.

I'm sure my cats a communist Keeps going round the house saying "mao"

I parked in front of my deaf mute neighbour's driveway the other day... you should have seen his language

A chap went into the hairdresser's and said "I'd like my hair cut like Tom Cruise" So the hairdresser gave him a cushion to sit on

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.. Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They faxed. They e-mailed... They e-mailed with attachments. They downloaded.... They did spreadsheets! They wrote reports.. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports. They did every job known to man. Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: 'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!' Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate. 'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?' God just shrugged and said, Jesus saves!

My gran said to me, "Young men aren't as nice, polite and charming as they were in my day". I replied "Well Gran, that's because they're not trying to shag you now".

How does every racist joke start? By looking over your shoulder.

Apparently I need counselling even though I'm in a stable relationship. I'm happy but the donkey wants out...

I was invited to an African Theme party the other night. There was no food and the nearest drink was 12 miles away

Bah....My Beagle puppy loves forty cigarettes a day and free perfume and hair shampoo..

A ship carrying red paint crashed into a ship carrying blue paint. They are both now marooned.

They say piracy is killing music. And it is. Have you ever heard a guitar played by someone with a hook. And drums by someone with a peg leg.

that Harry Potter. Its took him 7 long books to catch the baddie. Scooby Doo does it in 25 minutes. Its all too unbelievable anyway. I mean, a ginger kid with 2 friends?

I asked in Waterstones for a book about Schizophrenia. The assistant whispered 'they're behind you'

Hollywood gossip... Gary Glitter to star in a remake of two Schwarznegger films in one. Its called Kintergarden Predator

I dunno....Am I the only one with a dark sense of humour? come on peeps post the jokes:))

iv'e just done a treble on the gg's sunshine 2/1 moonlight 3/1 goodtimes 2/1 they all lost. i blame it on the bookie!!!!

Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya. They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement.. it was a mortar attack. The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue Dogs they sent out . They said they were delicious!

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and is served by a gorgeous Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Fosters, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting, and at the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place. Although she is attracted to him she says no, but he he then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world and is short of funds, she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters, and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention, then maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia. "Melbourne", he tells her. "So am I. What suburb?" she enquires. "Glen Iris" he replies. "That's amazing," she says excitedly, "so am I - what street?" "Cameo Street" he replies. "This is unbelievable," she says, her voice quavering; what number?" "Number 20", he replies. She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe this," she screams, "but I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!" "I know..." he says. "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you." HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN

Buy her a notpad and a parker pen...much cheaper

get yourself a fly curtain...lots of nice beaded ones or Bamboo...you can keep your door open!