Michael Palaeologus

Darling Belle, we will still be drinking upon your return.

Looks like June 6 is D-Day, again. Looks lik its either the Vale or the Herne. Which has the bigger nicer beer garden? In the unlikely event that this nice weather will survive the cricket at Lords.

Dont believe that Cactus Jack chancer! He's a rogue and a conman and he steals ice cream from small children. He asked me for a large deposit up front, which I was happy to provide. He however failed to deliver the goods, he kept reassuring me that this hadnt happened before and that he was normally very dependable in his delivery of customer satisfaction. My arse! His attempts at satisfying my needs for a comfortable Fluffy orifice were laughable, it was loose and not fit for purpose and was prone to rattling when subject to a high wind. In the end I had the gap filled by a nice lady pipe fitter from Dunbar. I fear for Fluffy, those Australian Parakeets are vicious little buggers and may wish to nobble him.

How can I be expected to type accurately at this difficult time?

I can confirm that the squashed cactus on Derwent Grove is actually a squashed very rare Panamanian Hedgehog, one half of the last breeding pair, it escaped from Sydenham Safari Park last week. The bad news is that the Panamian Hedgehog will soon die out completely as they pair for life and its partner will swiftly pine away. The good news is that it is not Fluffy, so that's alright then. Moos - rotten grapefruit? How cruel, that would be Fluffy's second cousin, sadly struck down down by fruit-leprosy. Give Crusty his bell and hood back and let him go back to begging down Lordship Lane in his last supturating days on the planet.

My cactus' morals have clearly been under-mined by some ill-bred holly harlot! He was an innocent abroad and I am certainly not going to shell out to support a bunch of spikey hybrids. Clearly they should simply be exposed at birth or dumped in a local authority compost bin. As for you PGC, its a Christmas Bloody Cactus, of course its for Christmas! Responsibility?!, I have tried to teach Fluffy about safe sex, but the cactus/condom interface is not a happy one and tends to end in failure. I tried the sliding a condom over a carrot thing with him and he just panicked and claimed that I was trying to suffocate his best friend, Mr Crunchy; who is incidently partially sighted - ironic for a carrot. Has Fluffy been seen in any backgardens, being fed titbits by the well meaning? He is partial to a spot of Growmore and can be tempted by a spalsh of Tomatrite if the mood takes him.

He is a little boy Cactus Moos and as such, is unlikely to be blessed with cactus-kittens. The fox is a likely target though, he has been without for so long and he has so many ..... well, there is no delicate way of putting this ...... pricks. Please keep your pet hedgehogs safely locked away.

I am really sorry, but my cactus is missing. I have had to leave the window open during the hot weather - having had NO response from MrCactusFlapFitter, and I paid him 50 notes in cash with no receipt. I know its Spring and his cactus-sap was rising and it was foolish of me to give him the opportunity, but there it is and I am mortified. He is about 12 inches tall, green and rather spiky. If anybody spots him, please get in touch. His name is - Fluffy.

Its the 12th of Mary

"Shallow brooks murmur most, deep silent slide away" as Sidney said in a book I briefly read some years ago.

I am actually Kirk Douglas.

True - not alot of entertainment really. Good live music, briefly and then a banging DJ that would have been great in a late night Club - but not on a warm Sunday afternoon on the Green.

Oh good grief ... Get thee to the Quiet Room

The Gardens Surgery is very good in my experience.

I bought 2 tickets at Shakespeare's Globe for Midsummer Night's Dream and chatted to Bignumber5 as we passed each other on the South Bank. Came home and had a nap.

Good news re The Vale. We just need to ensure that Mockers doesnt rub his extremity in a furtive manner when he leaves the loo, again :))

Not the transmitters and receivers needed for the dot-matrix "bus-due" signs that are slowly creeping into the area?

Chilli Pepper Pete was there! Good fun had by all, the EDF Blanket was well populated. Next time - more food stalls needed. Blue Mountain seemed to have a monopoly and ran out of food quite quickly.

Taking dogs a walk up there is fun. You never know what they will find in the undergrowth.

Excellent. Another restaurant on the Lane. Preferred the comedy on Thursday night thank-you.

or indeed "Coon's age" - is that allowed? Seem's a tad harsh on the Senior Racoons out there.

Shorts of a variety of lengths, short sleeved shirts, sandals, Ray-bans and a base-ball cap (I get sun stroke), Factor 8.

June 6th sounds good - D-Day! Yesterday Mockers showed me a rather daft headline in one of the local rags advertising an entertainment - "Enjoy the full D-Day Experience!" - not really, watch the first 5 minutes of Saving Private Ryan to get a feel for the "D-Day Experience". Pillocks. Rant over. Anyway, the Herne sounds fun. Anybody know if the Vale has had a change of management? The NTV policy of some of us could change if they have new management.

"..........otters noses, wolf-nipple ships - get 'em while they're 'ot - they're lovely"

Makes my tummy have the colley-wobbles such is my angst