Jah Lush

If there's a game on. They'll have it.

Monday needs a good slap. Bollocks to it.

Piers Moron. A smug up his own arse shitbag.

Serves the feckers right for wearing the shit in the first place. I hate bling. I wear no jewellery.

Annasfield Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > I'm still using this one. > > Jah Lush should start another thread anyway as he > started the original when it was a nice place to > talk about football. Oh thanks Anna. JD & Coke for you next time I see you. x

484 to Lewisham the onto the DLR to Canary Wharf. 2-3 travel card. Simple and cheaper.

Oi! A boilermaker is a pint with a whiskey chaser. Guinness depth charged with whiskey is some else altogether.

Guffaws. That were Charlie Drake that were. Whapp'en Simply. Baby Come Back - The Equals.

Just used it myself and it's still working.

This has moved.

That's the second time that's happened. Just goes to show how popular this thread is. I think we'll be all right under Fabio Capello. He won't stand for any slacking in the ranks and Brazil is first up.

Lager? If I must and I usually only do so in the summer or when it's hot these days then it's gotta be Stella Artois or canned Red Stripe but I'm open to other suggestions. Peroni ok with Pizza.

Mind Of A Toy - Visage.

Wadworths 6X, Harveys Best, Fullers ESB, Youngs Special...ahh I could go on but we'd be here all day. A good place to go locally for real ale is Hoopers which usually has a three or four different ones every week.

Not Fade Away - Buddy Holly

I thought it was time I put this one up again as it's been a couple of years but word of warning this joke is filthy. THE PIANIST An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. 'fcuking get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fcuking manager of this pigshit middle class wankhole please... you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says 'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting window and I'm here to audition..... C*nt!' The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song was called "Excuse Me Prime Minister But I Just Fcuked Your Daughter, And Now The Pregnant Dog Is Blind...' 'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively". 'Bollocks!' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes When You Do A Bird Up The Arse You Get Shit On Your Bell-end.' 'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do You Want Me To Split Your Ringpiece?", or there's the epic "I Don't Care If You're Older My Dear, You've Still Got Nice Flaps". 'Look' says the manager interrupting, I think you're a superb pianist but the titles of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.' 'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'. On his first night everything is going superbly - the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde woman in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such an impressive 'swelling' that he decides to go to the bog and polish one off, just to 'relax himself'. Just as he has 'relinquished' he hears himself being re-introduced over the P.A, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?' 'Know them?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, I fcuking wrote them!!!'

Birmingham 1 Bolton 2 Blackburn 1 Aston Villa 2 Fulham 2 Arsenal 2 Liverpool 5 Hull 0 (Mr Perma-tanned is heading for the sack) Portsmouth 1 Everton 2 Stoke 1 Man Utd 3 Tottenham 3 Burnley 1 Wigan 1 Chelsea 4 Sunderland 2 Wolves 0 Man City 3 West Ham 1

They've got that in the Plough this week Your Hona.

Walking With A Mountain - Mott The Hoople.

Well I can sympathise with you on that. Highbury, the former home of the Arse (who played the most boring football known to mankind before Arsene Wenger arrived as manager) was known as the Library because their fans were so quite it had no atmosphere and that hasn't changed much since they moved to The Emirates Stadium. The other trouble with Highbury was that the stands were facing the pitch.

Millioners or millionaires Tiger?

Good point BBW. I can do both though.

Long Legged Woman Dressed In Black - Mungo Jerry

Spooky that you know about my line of work but I'll let it lie. Must go and nick a copy from the News Desk.

Back on topic. I used to be a regular reader of Private Eye but it seems to have slipped off my radar of late.