Bellenden Belle

Hi Chav, Okay here are a few thoughts. I don't suffer from wild jealousy but have a whole host of other issues - all of which are irrational assumptions (ie the old chestnut that other people don't like me and are judgiing me; or that somehow they are more competent, better than me). Searching in your past is a good start for understanding why you act the way you do - but sometimes understanding why we are irrational is not enough - it almost justifies why we behave the way we do. So we need some techniques for the here and now. The first is to develop an awareness of ourselves. A gentle checking in of what is going on inside. This can help the way we talk to ourselves. So I might say to myself "ah, Caroline, there's that nervous feeling again.... mmmm, I'm feeling a little anxious" .... this actually means that I am aware of the actual mechanics of what I'm feeling - the focus shifts from what the other person has allegedly done to actually me taking ownershop and responsibility for my feelings. Then I check out what's going on physically - do my shoulders tense, does my face become rigid, are my fists clenched and ready for a fight. Okay, take a moment. Dismantle. Not everythng - just one small thng - maybe - take those shoulders down a notch. This also has the added benefit of giving you back some control, engaging you in the present. And from that place - of examining both the emotional and physical aspects of our irrational thoughts; so that before we do a thing we have located where we're at and what is habitual behaviour for us - then you can start examining the situation. Asking yourself if this is based on fact. If there ain't no facts, then actually you are dealing with a "fantasy" - a funny old word, but I think an accurate one. Don't forget you're a lawyer Chav - think about your questioning mind, and your responses to fact versus fantasy in other parts of your life. And then you might have a conversation with your partner. And instead of making an accusation you could "check out" if what you are feeling has any truth or fact in it - so you might say " You know, I'm just feeling uncomfortable at the moment, and I recognise it as jealousy... I can feel it my stomach... you know, I really felt it last night when you came in late..." And you say this not as a clever way of interrogating your partner but just as a way of communicating where YOU are at at that precise moment. It means you are owning what you are feeling; you aren't dismissing it as necessarilly irrational, but you are recognising that it is something that needs airing. And by owning it you are placing yourself in a position where you aren't making an accusation and neither are you wasting energy fueliing a fantasy , by rifling through people's pockets. And the one other thing (which we can deal with in our next session!) is the question of what do we get from feeding a fantasy. Seriously - the human mind is fantastic and fascinating, and even when we think we are being are most irrational and destructive we are actually getting something out of it.... what are you gaining by this behaviour Chav? And in answer to your question - How do we learn to trust? I think we learn to trust ourselves. We learn to listen to ourselves so that our bullshit-radar becomes more finely tuned. So nowadays when I think someone is judging me, I am far more comfortable with questioning whether this is Caroline being irrational, or if I'm actually sensing something real. Sometimes that gut feeling is actually spot on. And sometimes it's a million miles away. Hope that wasn't too long a ramble - and hope some of it is helpful. x

I filled my single blank page!In fact I filled seven! And today over a boozy lunch (hoorah for boozy lunches) I did a mock "pitch" to two friends in publishing ... and they liked it. Bugger...better write a chapter now ....

Well done Mockney! I handed in my notice today.... 30 days to go (of which nearly three weeks will be taken as holiday). Hallejulah! ps. Anyone want to give me a job?

I have achieved today something rather fabulous.... I have managed to go away to a city (Barcelona) and not write a schedule of activity beforehand. I cannot tell you what an achievement this is ... I have managed (gasp) to be spontaneous. Tremendous!

And when he's bad, he's better.... I say from my hammock in Barcelona ... just how addictive is this forum?

No loathing here either. I love group hugs... *holds out arms hopefully*

Following a comment I made to SeanMacGabhann about having a single white page that needed filling, I still have the same blank sheet....two hours later What does everyone suggest I put on it? All suggestions welcome!

Oh Sean bless you - I think you have made a very fair response second time round. (I am not going to berate you for your previous post and its parting shot: I'm just concerned that "fear/concern/whatever" has won out and not any rational merits or otherwise of the pub. That's not being judgemental - that's just what's happened I loved your comment about how you usually rely on "Keef to go "err.. Sean have another look at what you just wrote" . To be fair, he actually did wade into the previous thread after I posted my original thoughts on what I'd observed: Keef wrote: Bellenden Belle Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > How important are our surroundings in the grand scheme of things? When you think of all the great communication that goes on here - in cyberspace for gawd's sake - then surely it's the people that matter. That is the most important point, noone really thinks much of the uplands, but as we said when we agreed on it, it's the company that matters. But sometimes we just don't hear the people whose opinions are the most valuable to us. Personally I love these debates - AnnaJ, your post was great, well done on putting it out there. And you know after these kind of discussions we can always pm each other to "check out" there are no hard feelings, if that breaks the ice and stops us fretting (or so you can continue the disucssion in a valuable way). I think we are clearly maturing as a group - I love it! Can't wait to see you all at the CPT!>:D<

KalamityKel ... actually you missed the point - but thanks anyways.

SeanMacGabhann Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > With the exception of these 2 good people however > I fear that the accusation of middle-class > lah-de-dah-ness which gets flung at the forum from > time to time is only supported by people who have > never been to the Castle's reluctance to try it > out. I see it as prejudice I'm afraid And Sean, you won't mind me saying that I see your comments as judgemental in the extreme. And while we're at it - I hope Anna J and Bignumber5 won't object to the irony that while you consider them "2 good people" you are quite content for them not to attend a forum meet-up, for the sake of trying a new pub. I apologise if it seems my kid gloves have come off on this topic - but actually, I'll be frank: I like both Annaj and Bignumber5; I like SeanMacGabhann; and I like those who have pm'd me to thank me for my comments on the other thread re "pushing our boundaries". Like Michael suggested - if pubs find themselves going through good and bad cycles we can wait a while before trying The Castle. And this is the second month in a row we've had The Castle debate.... let's move on.

First choice The Herne as I have not been there If not then the CPT (also not been to .... I seriously need to up my pub quota!)

Mr Admin. I have seen other forums with systems in place to vote. Happy to point you in their direction if you pm me.

I'll miss very much the people > who have said they won't attend if it's held there > but I am going to argue STRONGLY that if you bite > the bullet and come along you'll be surprised at > how good a pub it can be. I'll go further and say > that if one's natural inclination is to not want > to go somewhere (and it goes every-way - if Louisa > came to the drinks but said she would never go to > say, Bar Story then it's just snobbishness with a > different hue) then it's GOOD for you to make the > extra effort (as I will when the Vale is next up) > Sean, this is a community forum - and we are blessed that lots of people come together once a month to have a drink and get to know each other. It's not a self-help group and it is quite peculiar to start suggesting that people need to challenge their boundaries, making "extra effort", and that such action will be "GOOD for you". For some people, and yes I include myself in the beginning, making their way to meet a group of strangers is a big enough challenge enough. I think Michael Palaeologus pointed out that the most important thing is that people come along and feel included - and if that means ruling out some pubs, then so be it. Personally I would rather have a less exciting pub but with a great bunch of people from all walks of life, than to have the opportunity to sample a new pub but with less interesting people. How important are our surroundings in the grand scheme of things? When you think of all the great communication that goes on here - in cyberspace for gawd's sake - then surely it's the people that matter.

*Yawns, stretches, looks round the room* *Eyes fall on a small thing in the corner* *Squints hard* Alicia? You still here? *shakes head and toodles off to talk about something more interesting*

Not sure if I fancy the Castle - I remember the discussion last month about the place - it really didn't sound so great - and actually I don't care how many of us are there, if it's a rough pub I'm not that interested.

We could try The Montpellier as we have discussed meets inside se22 and outside.

citizenED Wrote: ------------------ > Given that there will always be litter simply > because a gust of wind might blow litter out of a > bin, a fox might rip open a black bin liner and, > of course some people will never consider the > dropping of trash on the public highway to be > wrong, my suggestion is that next time you walk > down the road and see a piece of litter, as a good > member of the community, pick it up and put it in > a bin. CitizenEd, That is absolutely wonderful. What I love about your post is that it actually explains one of the reasons we litter and rather than blaming bad upbringing, ignorance, or any other behaviour that people could feel defensive over, it places the problem in the arms of the world - in the wind, literally! And your solution is beautiful too. And simple. And something we could all do today. BUT - how many of us would? We would probably feel a bit odd, wouldn't we? People might see us doing it and think us a bit strange? And that's not very motivating is it? But - work with me guys here ...what if we could post on a thread - giving just two bits of info - what litter, and where. We might do it, maybe? Knowing we could bask in our lovely fellow forumites admiration and praise? The whole act would take about three minutes - including the litter busting and the posting ... but would probably leave a glow for hours. Not a great big Ready Brek glow, but just a nice little one....(because dear forumites we wouldn't want to be smug now would we?). What do people think... should I start a thread in the lounge? EDF - fighting the brave fight - 2008 litter....2009 world peace

ChavWivaLawDegree Wrote: sorry bout the headbutt AnnaJ! Glad you had a good night CWALD - but as AnnaJ mentioned it was my head! And there were plural headbutts! I thought it was hilarious! And I think the two of us may have entertained a few with our rather public and indiscreet conversations... hee hee, that will get you thinking.(may I echo SteveT's comment about your fantastic new haircut - you looked fabulous darling!) Great night all round - had great fun chatting with Mockney Piers, Michael Papadopulous (sp?); Bob the sailor (right name? I was drunk by then); Sue ... who I think should become Sicillian Sue so we remember her posts; Bignumberfive who was the perfect match for AnnaJ; Steve for the brilliant sticker ideas; Bagpuss for just being her usual wonderful self; Alley Cat for gently pointing out I seemed rather merry on arrival; Floating Onion for scrabble info update; AnotherPaul (sorry about the mix up about your job); Georgia for being lovely and welcoming as always; CitizenEd for admitting he hadn't read my books (totally forgiven); Sean for enquiring after my eye; Jah Lush for sharing his own eye issues; and AnnaJ whose company is always a joy. My one complaint... there was too little time! Roll on next month....

No I wasn't talking about the one with Property Broker, I was talking about the botch job (anyone can pm if they want to talk about stuff- I don't want to put too much on a public forum). The property broker one looks lovely actually ... The description on Roy Brooks for the auctioned one was classic - they stated you needed "piles of cash; a strong stomach and a bucket of bleach." What a fantastic description.

maxbabe Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > Alan - paid ?83k - only wish my mortgage was under > that anyway.... Love your honesty Maxbabe - and of couse I'm green with jealousy too...

Yeah going for a song... but an estate agent gave me the heads up on that one nearly two years ago. Bad bad news....

. > Only two nights ago I cried my eyes out watching > Watership down whilst simultaneously playing > Sudoku and I'm not an autistic savant or anything. Alan - I'll have to check with my husband first - but since it's February 29th, can I please ask you if you would marry me? You are clearly my ideal man - and just think of the property we could have together!

No Alan, my house number wasn't there ... not the point. Yeah I know it's public info - I pointed that out in my post and I also pointed out people can find that information out if they want to. But this is a site where we try and see each other as people I think .... and whether we realise it or not, money (and that includes house prices) can contain a lot of emotional charge. If people ask me about my house price I will tell them, face to face - but quite frankly for me it's a really painful issue so it upsets me to just see figures bandied about. So I don't particularly want to keep quiet - I have made a suggestion, you can choose to accept or ignore it, that's fine. I just wanted to let you know my own personal feelings - I'm not offended by your posting at all. And if anyone is wondering about how I can be so sensitive about the whole issue... well I've been quite open on other threads regardng inheritance about my situation. Guess I'm just an emotional rather than a numerical person!

Alan, this is my issue but please please can we not start quoting individual house prices on here. If people want to be nosy we all can get that information, but it may make people - and yes I am talking about myself - uncomfortable.

I live on Maxted - and tis true I can be found on other threads extolling (sp?) its virtues. And I have found my pistol goes rather well with my Marc Jacobs winter coat. (How Freud meets Dulwich Mum of me!) Seriously - pm if you would like a proper chat.