Ted Max

You played out till all hours your mum would call you in for your tea and you'd run in and have it and then go round your mate's and have another tea there and we all had choppers apart from those who couldn't afford a chopper and had one of those shit ones spangles and then Tomorrow's World before Top of the Pops and dad would be all like what's this shit and there was no central heating and the teachers would lock you in the cupboard and make the girls stand on their heads so they could see their pants and spangles and it all ended the day Danny Rideout got his head kicked in by some big boys round the back of the Arcade.

Have more water with it, old plum.

You should never have had that fumble with strawberry-jam-woman after that Bonfire night drinks party. What were you thinking?

What's free in Scotland, Steve, is personal care - a non-means tested c?170 pounds per week. Plus another ?70 odd nursing care if it's required. If you're in a care home you still pay accommodation and living costs - which are considerably more. If you have 22k capital you must pay all food and accommodation elements of a care home (you'll be selling your house). If you have 13-22k capital you contribute to costs, leaving you a minimum weekly living allowance of ?21.90! If you have less than 13k capital then the state pays. And if you get the personal care allowance you lose the right to attendance allowance and any care element within disability living allowance. I know this doesn't help your personal situation at all, but there is an impression that all elderly care in Scotland is all free. It's really not, although the personal care element, being non-means tested and universal is more generous than the English situation. Whether you contribute to it or not is something that better brains than ours have been debating for decades!

A referendum where only 16 and 17 year olds are allowed to vote? Sounds like a plan! "they are far more likely to make an emotional rather than balanced judgement" Don't agree. They will vote for what they perceive to be in their best interests, just like everyone else.

Local libraries might also be worth a go - they keep newspapers on archive. Read through back copies of the Brentford Bugle (or whatever) around the dates in question, and if you know trial dates that would help too. If there is a byline on any articles written about the case, see if you can find out if the journo is still alive and track him/her down. They may remember case details that they couldn't report on, or weren't included in the report. Keep trying the local paper as well, as it's likely to be "can't be arsed" or "too difficult" rather than a stone cold "won't help". Maybe turn up in person if all else fails even if it's just to get a definitive answer.

Can we start posting YouTube clips? It goes: Stu does Top Gear (50% think funny, rest "meh") Clarkson Island (80% agree Paul Whitehouse was the funny one) The one where Hammond drills his head into the ground at rocket speed (thread unity)

*Seriously, having been stalked on here by some @#$%& who wanted to report me to the police* WTF? For your strong views on pies?

♬ ♪ ♩ When this guy folds, in the crum balls, we see Stan Bowles, in the all together. ♫ Nice tune, thobut.

FFS. A new low. Lower even than the one previously reached with twop tips about how to get on a plane.

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Got drunk, bought 69% of global market in crude oil futures. http://www.cnbc.com/id/49197769

Long after ED has collapsed and drowned in its own belly button sweat the curry houses of LL will still be dispensing their salt-and-sugar effluent to depressed teachers and Jenny Eclair. And like a cockroach emerging from a pit toilet Le Chardon will still advertise, unheeded then as now, its lunchtime 3 course "Special".

LL is at least famous as the place to go for a really, really shit curry.

FFS.

No-life tip: Your flight has a bus transfer to the plane for boarding: bathe in the knowledge that the last person on the first bus will be first up the plane steps. So if getting on the plane first is important to you, position yourself about a bus-worth of people back from the front of the boarding queue/scrum.

Tex Mex? You cheeky wee enchilada. Thing is, play trail's a nice idea but I think it would dominate SW. Not a prob in an area like Box Hill.

"Would others see value in such a trail at Sydenham woods?" To be honest, no. I think there's a danger of Sydenham Woods becoming too managed and "service users" being herded along a narrowing range of paths and routes. The recent dead hedging and increased fencing is no doubt necessary, and I appreciate the need to manage the woods given their popularity, but I would not like to see it go much further. It's about the only place around here where you can let kids, dogs and adults off the lead and go wherever in an unstructured fashion. A play trail, or similar, would, I think, carry the danger of restricting that. The good thing about that Box Hill leaflet is its repeated instructions that visitors can go absolutely anywhere they like in the woods. But S Woods are a lot smaller, and less able to soak up a structured play trail and still leave lots of open space. (Also, there is also already a nature/points of interest trail/walkway, just as a FYI)

The biddies in Scotmid used to cry "language Timothy!" at me as I packed their messages. Not sure that Corbett was really heart throb material, though.

But my pill pouch is a thing of objective beauty, *Bob*. Think of two pebbles smoothed and shaped by the clear spring waters of the upper Tweed, encased in linen parchment and varnished, only slightly, with honey. That sort of thing.

My ballsack is perfect. My personal physician can barely contain his glee at its heft, smoothness and symmetry. Yet even he, and even I, have primped and pimped the odd stray flap of scrotal unsightliness out of there, even though it's completely unnecessary and, as I've pointed out, my stone-casement really is a thing of wonder. Therefore, I'm thinking that all the absolute scrungers out there who haven't changed their jockstrap for a decade, and can be seen cluttering up the swingparks of ED in their 20 year old band Tee-shirts, could probably do with a bit of the old lift and separate in the onion bag department. So what I'm suggesting is this: we all assemble round *Bob*'s, get the orchid-holsters out and have a party, yeah? PM me if interested.

SF's partner's a bloke, I think. Does she have a G/F as well? *debating the tough economics issues, one post at a time*

Nipped out to have a baby. When she came back, Peston had stolen her career. Them's the breaks.

A message of hope.

Prince Rainier and Grace are coming to lunch today and Rainier is bringing either a tiger or a panther as a present for E. That?s all I need. [Later] ?How big,? I said to Rainier, ?does a panther grow?? ?About this size,? he said, with a gesture that indicated something cosmic. I nearly struck him, but didn?t because it would have been impolite, and also he might have struck me back. He had that look on his face which I can only describe as ?smug?, that total assurance that the man to whom he is speaking is absolutely terrified. I love the Prince and I love his wife and I love Monaco, but if every time we come here we are going to be given a lion I?d rather write bad books at home.