Ted Max

"What's up with you son? Not like the coffee? Get an extra shot in it, they won't charge. Perks of the job, son, perks. Fackin few of them these days. Fack me you joined at a good time - you not having that muffin - get yourself sorted on the fast track yeah? "Look at that cockend trying to park. Fack me. So I'm getting the suit altered, right, and the lady's measuring me inside leg right, and I'm thinking I've seen her before. Bit of brass, isn't it, used to work out of that place off of Whateley Road? 15 years ago - you were still in short trousers son. Nasty moment that, but I don't think the missus noticed. "Drink up, and we'll get off shift. Any shouts come in do not show us as dealing, OK? Gloria's expecting a full attendance on parade. Snow Queen she is. Right little Britney. "Come on son, that coffee won't drink itself. Look at that knob, how is he dicking that?"

It's not right. It's not how they said it would be. I was trying to have a career, sure, that's why I signed up at Uni, but I thought I might change a few lives as well. These people, they don't want to be changed. We're the enemy and that's it. I'm thinking of packing it in, really. Maybe go back and do that MA. Dave's joined an ad firm and he's on the piss all day, caning it and it's all free. I'm breathing in shite from some poor old sod who's got his a cell for the night, and will be back on the street in the morning. And even if I do get CID, they couldn't give a shit either. It's not what I thought it would be like at all. Even this coffee's shit.

"So I promised her I would have the skinny Moccha, yeah, 'cos she's got me lined up for the second fitting for the suit Tuesdee, and I better not have porked out by then, she says. But it don't hit the spot like a double shot Lar-tay with one of them muffins. And Gloria's got her school play laters and I can't not go to that, she doesn't understand I've been up all night, so I need the caffeine and that. "Heads up lads, incoming, check that out. Jesus. Anyway, Topman, fackin 'ell, have you seen it in there lately? Went in for a suit, right, like when was Burton's yeah? Fackin forget that. Clothes for kids with 26 inch waists and white gym fackin shoes and that. So it was M&S for the new suit and she says let's get it altered after. "I mean, look at the one there, how did she marry that dweeb. That's a fackin waste. Anyways, I'm getting the suit altered, and she's got me on a diet. Only till after the wedding she says. We're only getting married cos she wants to make it official. But I'm like, if it ain't broke. But it'll be a top do. Davey's doing the music, and we've got her lot doing the food. Curry and that."

The speaker before lunch will joke that she has the toughest job of the day because she is all that stands between us and lunch - which "smells delicious". (Award yourself one boiled sweet) The speaker after lunch will joke that he has the toughest job because he has to wake everyone up after "that excellent" lunch. (top up glass of water) The last speaker of the day will call his slot the graveyard slot. (Two sweets, doodle of a headstone on grid-lined paper.)

At each place setting, a pen made of recycled cardboard bearing the name of the conference's Platinum Sponsor lies on a thin A4 block of grid-lined paper. Every six places on the conference room tables are two bottles of room-temperature Hildon water (one still, one sparkling), and a bowl of boiled sweets in lurid colours. The WiFi connection refuses to authenticate you, although everyone else seems to be tapping away no bother. But it's too late to do anything about checking the key because the keynote speaker has started. As her laptop is connected to the projector you notice her powerpoint deck has 68 slides. And clip art. Your mind turns to the decisions you made in your career that have brought you here. Regrets cloud in like sea mist at the end of an early summer's day.

Antiques Roadshow 2109. Expert in crumpled linen suit and panama hat studies a bound parcel of scrolls. Nervous member of public, reminiscent of a young Alex Higgins, wipes hands on shiny denim-holstered thighs. Eyes narrow. Expert speaks: "And so to a value, I suppose. fake laughter "Now, many of the early Tablets from the East Dulwich Forum (which are now known as the West Nunhead Chronicle, of course) were studded with the most gorgeous, intricate threads. Here, in a facsimile found but a mile from here, 50 years ago, is a quite beautiful detail, typical of the classic stylings of Mockney Piers - a style in itself a revival of the original Hispano-Irons school of Piers. And here is another burnished piece of embossed railery from the ancient Greek rhetorician Michael Palaeologus, who extemporised famously on his doomed love for the false-hearted DulwichMum. And, oh this is wonderful, if you look closely you can see some of the original signature 'posts' of the Gaelic sage, Sean MacGabhann himself, in regular metre, welcoming new-comers to the bailiwick in the traditional way. "What a shame, then, that what you have here appears to be of an early 2009 vintage ? by which point the board, as many called it then, had succumbed to a wave of goths and vandals, intent only on the destruction of the earlier mode of discourse. Their pre-occupation with sexual matters, and crude juvenalia, is evident in the daubings we have before us. As such, although what you have here is of some relevance to social historians, my valuation must tend towards towards the low end. Perhaps 10-20 Britsh Yuan for that curiosity factor. "But thank you for bringing it in" Higgins lookalike mutters through gritted teeth: "Oh it's my pleasure. Now, what do you think to these old Mott the Hoople drinks coasters - they're certainly an unusual size..."

There's the Rec, where England were training. And there's the Stanford Ground as well, on the island. There's only one solution - beer match.

Cunning ruse by the Windies to avoid going 1-1.

It's true that these foreign chaps seem to be able to work their magic with the ladies. Look at this English lummox getting it all wrong - it looks like he's trying warm her chilblains up, for goodness' sake. http://i43.tinypic.com/nlrm0z.jpg

Some exotic bloke, Brendan, runs a shop I think.

I thought you might be interested to know I've kissed and made up with Moos following Princess Anne-gate. Here's a touching record of the occasion. http://www.filmreference.com/images/sjff_03_img1047.jpg

This is my (repeat) take on the latest outbursts. http://i41.tinypic.com/etvcxh.jpg See you all later.

Just needs a headline: Lordship Lain or, and this draws inspiration from a recent post over there>>> 'tis pity she's a very foolish whore

Not me. Promise. HonaB's already had a pop at that one. It's one of our more senior contributors, it seems, but I don't have a clue beyond that.

Did Boris tweet these bits? Probably not, eh?: "The Government stepped in while the Mayor dithered and, by covering 80% of the costs, made sure that this hugely important project for south Londoners will now go ahead. 'The Mayor has already cancelled lots of projects that would have benefitted my constituents. I am delighted that the government was able to force him into a position which meant that even he couldn't scrap this one.' I wonder what this means for the value of my house?

I'm just trying to wrap all this up in a dossier for master Sam Masters (ace reporter) at the SLP. There are two lotharios that own businesses on Lordship Lane. One of them has a dose, and has passed it on to at least one acquaintance of FlickNormal. One of them gave Postmodern a real good time and then had a pop at her sister; this may or may not be the same guy who has the dose, but he is definitely married with kids and pretends he isn't until he is waxing his moustache in post-coital triumph. One of them has been posting on here, but not under the user name "InfectedShagger". Is that about it? If I was investigations editor, I'd be thinking honeytrap, covert filming, make our excuses and leave. See if the Screws wants it first to clear a bit of wedge, otherwise run it as a DPS on Tuesday after the stabbing league tables.

These forumites are crazy. http://s5.tinypic.com/158u2p.jpg

That wasn't mayonnaise.

Nailed. Don't forget projecting your own fascination onto your five year old son.

everyone will want to move to Peckham for its vibrant multiculturalism and lovely big houses. Shhh. Don't tell 'em, Pike.

The thing with honk is, loads of people would, and do, agree with his basic points, and many people have complained about the same things on here since the site opened. It's just with honk, he does it with all the righteous commitment of a 15 year old who's just read his first Bob Geldof interview. Nobody else has ever thought of this stuff, man. Only honk knows the way. Also, he doesn't seem to have anything else to say. Which is a shame, because elsewhere he's an amusing poster.

The last tailor I employed wrote rude things in the linings. I know this because my ex-wife found his obscene jottings when she took the kitchen scissors to the sleeves of my favourite suits. The content provided extra collateral in the ensuing divorce. It's one of two things Prince Charles and I have in common. Since then it's been off-the-peg for me and custom-made only for Charlie, I believe.

Turn that frown upside down, Moos.

I aspire to Raymond's casual bouffant confidence. My suits give me the air of a down at heel no-win no-fee ambulance chaser. We can't all carry off the edgy, trilby-tilting dapperness of 1970s Higgins, you know.

http://www.eastdulwichforum.co.uk/forum/read.php?5,185836 There's a long thread just a few down from this one, with a baddie, a fearless local researcher, ups and downs and even ... an ending. Fill your boots.