To Pay or Not To Pay...?

[northlondoner]

A very beautiful American woman I know had the philosophy 'if he's treatin' I'm eatin'. The male riposte suggested by one wag was 'if I'm payin' you're layin'. But seriously, from the male perspective, one does expect to pay for the first few dates. But as others have said , an offer to contribute is a good gesture. And longer term few of us can afford to keep paying for everything in perpetuity.

[woofmarkthedog]

Well....

Are you a big bird who'll munch her way through course after course until you reach the "Cognac" stage, at which point you put your hand on the waiters hand & say " Leave the bottle luv" . If so offer to pay half as it's only fair

On the other hand you may eat like a Sparrow ( they're getting rarer ) & hardly drink a drop. In that case let him pay as he'll genuinely want to so. He'll imagine he's found a genuine "Ol' fashion" girly type

If I were you though i'd save the farts up & muffle them in the ladies room with some bog roll

At least until the 3rd date anyway

W**F

[northlondoner]

Classic woof post!

[felt-tip]

If you finish dinner on the first date and the bloke suggests going dutch then HJNTIY.

Cough up and get back to your vibrator.

[tallulah71]

We haven't met in person yet. Dinner might be a bit optimistic - it's a first drinks date. The last time I made the mistake of going to dinner on a first date, I paid as he made himself absent at bill time.

HonaloochieB : I meant no longer with me. (Although....)

Daizie : Go girl. As mentioned in the OP, you share the opinion of some of my girlfriends. Just not sure I've got the front to assume someone will pay my way.

WMTD : not big, but yes will eat everything. That's what it's there for regardless who's paying. I thought birds ate twice their natural weight....

My NEXT question - since I have your attention, and I'm enjoying all the responses, is: jeans or no jeans? (to a very dark, cavernous bar) And I don't mean no jeans - I'll save that for later date.....

[matty]

http://img843.imageshack.us/img843/336/1280516425956.jpg

*sighs*

[tallulah71]

hang on, where did you find that picture of me...?

[????]

..the answer

,,,if you want a cheap date go to Newcastle

[womanofdulwich]

talullah- how old are you girl? It is the venue that determines jeans/ no jeans-.

[Loz]

Serious question: when gays or lesbians go out on a first date, who pays?

[Alec John Moore]

Do you assume it will be any different and are you interested in the social etiquette of other groups categorised by cultural identity?

[randombloke]

Why does the first date have to be one that involves paying for a meal?

This whole thread proves that it puts unfair pressure on the first meeting.

It also shows that you can overthink things.

Surely you should be more concerned about enjoying one-another's company than what paying or not paying says about you.

Imagine if a guy said "Hey lets go have some fun" "A walk by the river, I'll bring some wine, you bring some food, we'll have a picnic." "We can just enjoy the great weather and get to know eachother a little bit, oh and don't forget your frisbee."

Wouldn't that be easier than fretting about all the other stuff? Why not suggest it yourself? Otherwise the poor sod isn't just meeting you but he may as well have all your friends there (who are all giving advice based on their experiences/prejudices) marking him out of ten. Plus you will be all tense and stressy and not fun and frivolous.

Next thing, if it goes well we can play the "should I call him/text/make him wait?" or worse, "He's not called/texted/did he like me/is he playing hard to get/my friends say he's a b*stard" game.

Just my penn'orth. But hope he's charming, witty, attentive, is drop dead gorgeous, adores you and makes you tingle with excitement at the very thought of him so you aren't worried about who pays for what.

P.S. If it's a disaster watch: "The Ugly Truth" on DVD as you tuck into a post-traumatic Haagen Das. For three reasons:

1. It's got Gerard Butler in it,

2. It will make you laugh, and

3. It tell you more about blokes' dating psyche than any friend can.

Good luck.

[Loz]

Alec John Moore Wrote:

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> Do you assume it will be any different and are you

> interested in the social etiquette of other groups

> categorised by cultural identity?

Well, considering that this topic seems to dwell on the various gender sensitivities and supposed responsibilities of the male/female first date, I was wondering what happens when you take those gender identities out of play.

I thought that was blindingly obvious in the context of the thread. (?)

[flapjackdavey]

what Dirtybox said .

[giggirl]

Hey Tallulah,

How's it going? Been on that date yet?

Personally I wouldn't go to dinner on a first date. Dinner presents too much pressure. If you don't like the guy you're stuck there for the duration. Go for a drink or something so you can leave fast if it's not working out (I'm such a romantic). I would be happy with a cup of coffee and a walk in the park - but that's just me.

If I thought he had potential I would watch his face very carefully when the bill arrived and check his reaction. If he didn't look happy with it then I would offer to pay half but I wouldn't see him again.

There have been a few comments on here about how this shouldn't be an issue in this day and age but the thing is, I think it is a massive issue. Here's why. A first date is like playing poker in that you're trying to weigh a person up (a potential partner) in a really short space of time. So everything comes in to play; his manner, what he says, what he does, non-verbals, how he's dressed, how he talks to wait-staff, whether he's happy to pay the bill, whether he tips, etc. The first date is you both checking each other out - so anything that helps you with that is fair game. And whilst all of this is going on - you need to relax and be sociable because ultimately you're just two people!

In my experience someone who isn't generous in one area (financially, say) is unlikely to be generous in other areas (their time, their heart, their emotions). So, for me, him paying the bill and tipping, all done with a good spirit and without making a point of it, is a bit of a test.

Exceptions are: I would offer to pay half if it was someone I didn't want to see again - I wouldn't want him to be out of pocket.

Dating has its own rules and these are nothing to do with nights out with friends - I would never dream of not paying my share on a night out.

[Loz]

Giggirl,

For all the reasons you mention, the lady should make at least a token offer to pay (and the gent should gracefully turn down the offer!). Otherwise the fellow in question may start to assume you are going to be on the 'high maintenance' side. As someone said earlier, if you then end up in a pub/bar, offering to get the first round in would be seen, at least by me, as a pretty positive move.

I'm still interested to see what the gay/lesbian protocol is in these situations!

A first date is like playing poker...

Ironic, as he's probably thinking that 'poker' would be good way to end to the evening.. :))

[Jeremy]

The poker analogy is not so far off. Most guys will expect to pay on the first date (and possibly the second) - after all, they don't want the woman to think they are tight. But by the third date, the guy will probably be expecting the woman to at least go 50/50. High maintenance girls are a big turn-off.

It seems strange to me that a woman could expect to be treated as an equal, while making their date/boyfriend fork out for everything.

[daizie]

We dont expect to be treated as 'equals' on a date , we expect to be treated like 'ladies'. *Belch*

[edcam]

Loz Wrote:

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> Serious question: when gays or lesbians go out on

> a first date, who pays?

I can't speak for all the gay boys and girls but personally speaking, on a first date it makes sense to go Dutch. Why anybody would do anything else, gay or straight is baffling to me!

Once you know each other a little better then the one with the higher income pays for more. Then you own them and can use it against them in arguments. KIDDING!

[waynetta]

There's always the option of doing a runner. That way nobody has to pay.

[Tarzan]

I think its best for the man to do runner. If she stays - she pays.

If she follows then it's meant to be...

[waynetta]

Ladies. When invited out to dinner in a fashionable restaurant always bring a fire blanket with you in your bag. Nowadays it is the foolhardy fashion for waiters to set fire to the pudding, and there is always a risk that the blaze could get out of control.