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These are just some of the thing I have heard myself saying to my two year old recently....



"Stop licking me"


"NO we don't draw on our tummies"


"NO we don't draw on the floor!"


"NO WE DON"T PAINT ON THE WALLS" (ok this one was shouted)


"No don't eat that it's been stuck there for over a....oh well, never mind, I'm sure it's ok"


"No mummy didn't do a 'poo poo'. It was a fart. But thanks for telling everyone."


"baby doesn't want to eat your breadsticks."


"Stop walking on the table"


"No you DON'T poo on the floor"


"Do not pick it up"


"Give it to daddy"


"Why are you carrying around a tea cup with batteries in?"


"Why is there sand in the oven?"


"No you cannot stroke the bumble bee"


"Take the slug out of your mouth"


"GET OFF my tomatoes"


"Do not tip that bowl over your head.....Do not eat those out of your hair...Do not wipe that into your face"


"Please don't sit on the baby. She doesn't like it"


What have you been saying recently?!?!

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My son is a crawling and mastering walking TERROR. So far today already we've had:


'NO, hands OUT of the fireplace' (soot, ick)

'NO NO NO, DO NOT EAT THE SOIL'

'Hands out of the poopy nappy, please'

'Please don't lick the TV, sweetie...'


His favourite one is to eat his porridge, nosedive at me for a breastfeed and then blow porridgy rasberries on my top, if I'm not quick enough about getting 'the goods' out.

"don't lick the pavement" and "don't lick the cat's bottom" are two things I never thought I'd have to say, along with such handed-down-the-generational classics as "Are you listening?" (in self-righteous tone), "what did I just tell you?" (ditto), and the one I try to stay away from but sometimes pops out - especially because we're in the WHY phase - "Because I said so".


Ho hum.

"NO, don't smack the flatscreen TV with your toy"

"NO, don't smack nan nan"

"NO, don't smack mummy"

"NO, don't smack your cousins"

"NO, stop biting"

"NO, no biting the wires"

"NO, no grabbing the shower cord"

"NO, don't pull the curtain"

"NO, don't lunge off the bed, feet first"

"NO, don't put that in the toilet"


All I keep saying is "NO" and all he does is laugh at me. I am bewildered that all my charges were SO much better behaved than my little cheeky monkey.

The worst conversation today (with nearly 2 year old daughter):


Me: Why is your nappy off?


Her: Wanna poo...


Me: Ok, lets go to the potty


Her: No, DUNNA poo


Me: WHERE??! (bearing im mind she is not yet potty trained)


Her: Uppydairs (upstairs)


Me: Frantic searching and sniffing round upstairs bedrooms/bathrooms. I finally found said log in......the washing basket in her brother's bedroom (quite handily if you come to think about it). Contemplated whether I could just chuck it in the washer but decided removal was best option.


My life is officially GRIM. Where did the glamorous me go?

"It's 3 in the morning, please stop pulling my hair"

"It's 3.30 in the morning and mummy and daddy have to work tomorrow please play quietly over there if you must play"

"It's nearly 4am, why are you still death bombing me?"

"Please go to sleep sweetheart, mummy can't play right now"

"Oh My Goodness how are you still awake and Happy????"

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