Back to work - please tell me it'll be ok

[Fidgetsmum]

Except for a short one year period of two days a week work, mostly from home, I've been a full time mum for four years. Needs must and I'm returning to work in a new company, new job, four days a week from next Monday. Childcare is all sorted and brilliant (baby is 11 months and off to nanny share we've been in for over 2 years that we love, and daughter is just extending her time at her nursery which she loves) so no worries there.

But what challenges am I going to face other than walking into work looking like Alice Cooper because I can't stop crying at leaving my babies? Seriously though, any good coping strategies out there? Any nice positive stories from women that have taken extended maternity leave and returned to work and it's all been hunky dory, or at least, ok? Am I doomed to feel horrendously guilty forever? That, or just bloody exhausted?

It's so close now, I can't see out from my panic. I feel a little better for just typing this though!

[new mother]

I think you will be pleasantly surprised and have more energy than before. You will get things done at lunchtime, read on the tube and have more money.( try it out for a while and check that it's working before committing to any expensive childcare contracts though.)

[Monkey]

First of all, well done for getting a job after four years off and in a difficult economic climate.

Do not feel guilty for a second. You have sorted brilliant childcare for your two little ones and you're going to make money for the family.

Make sure you have a cleaning lady and also someone to do the ironing (all of it!) so you can spend pure quality time with your children at the weekend. That's what I do and it's working great.

Good luck!

[chantelle]

I only took 11 months off and never looked back. I was and am extremely happy to be back at work, doing a job I enjoy and having the social aspects of being in an office. I'm going off again in a few weeks to have number 2 and am frankly sad to leave work! I doubt I'll take as much time off this time, in part because like you we have brilliant child care alredy sorted so I'll just be slotting my daughter into our nanny's schedule when I do go back.

As far as I can tell, it's that comfort with your childcare that makes all the difference. The mums I know who are unhappy to leave their children generally aren't that happy with the childcare situation. Whereas I and others who love our nannies/nurseries don't even think about being gone when we're at work.

I don't feel guilty at all, I know my son is having a wonderful time every day. And I think I'm less tired than I'd be if I were at home day in day out (though I do get up at 5:30 for work most days - which is no fun at all!) I also work four days and find that is a really good balance.

good luck with it.

[mrs.lotte]

I took very little leave as i'm self employed; 6 months with number 1 and 9 months with number 2 but can pass on a few coping strategies. Totally endorse that good childcare and general delegation is the key. I work full time but my job is such that my hours vary and I can take them to school and even pick up sometimes. When I get in I try not to answer my phone, look at the internet or do anything but concentrate on them until they are tucked up, I figure 2 hours of total attention is as good as a whole day never really giving them full concentration at all; quality not quantity. The fact that the nanny has fed them by the time I get home is a massive bonus. I am very involved in their school as part of the PTA and our PTA is very well supported by the head and teaching staff which means I have a really good handle on school life. Make the most of your day off, not signing them up for millions of classes or playdates just spending time together.

I'm sure that if I was at home all day I would be a helicopter parent and it's therefore good for them and me that I'm not. Being able to actually make phone calls, post letters, eat lunch, drink a coffee whilst it's still hot, re gaining your identity in preparation for them leaving home one day - all good things.

Last year I didnt make my daughter's nativity play for the second year running, I had raced back from work early and then circled ED looking for a parking space, very frustrating and I cried buckets, she wasn't in the least bit bothered. They will be fine.

Good luck.

[Trish]

Again, congratulations!!!

You will feel guilty (we all do) but if you were home all day you'd probably feel guilty about not being out at work too. If you've cracked good childcare then you're most of the way there.

My best advice would be, as Monkey says, make sure you have a decent cleaner in place who does ironing. And ideally one who has cover when not able to do it. I couldn't fuction without this. You then have to be terribly organised about making sure you've got your washing done and dried so it's ready to iron on cleaning day.

Lay out all the kids clothes and school things needed for the following morning the night before.

At the weekends, cook in bulk and stock up the freezer. Take meals out each morning to heat up that evening.

Don't even try to do a supermarket shop - I don't particularly like it for fresh bread or fruit...but I totally rely on online shopping now.

Don't try to plan too much at the weekends. You need a day to organise your life for the week ahead!

Returning to work does make you feel alive again. It is very hard to leave your child, especially if they get upset, but I can assure you, you will cry more than they do. And you are rewarded with the best smile in the world when you pick them up! I'm juggling two now and working full time - one at school and one at nursery. I benefit from a very accommodating line manager who accepts that sometimes, if my child is sick, then I need to leave the office. But she also knows I'll find a way of making sure anything urgent gets addressed. Life is very fast-paced and hard but I cherish every single moment with my children.

Best of luck.

[Mathilda]

I have recently gone back part time after 9 months, so not quite the same situation as you. The first week was hard - I was not used to getting us both up and out in the mornings and found it very tiring, I missed my daughter and worried all day about how she was getting on at nursery (she was getting on absolutely fine!) and we all came down with the dreaded nursery bugs. But three weeks in its getting much easier and we are getting into our new routine. I loved maternity leave, but there are good things about work, like quiet lunchtimes to myself, being in the buzz of central London and of course money! Also I can see that my daughter gets a lot out of her nursery days so that's a big plus. So I am slowly finding the balance, I'm sure you will too. Good luck!

[verds]

Good on you - you'll love it once you get used to it! You'll be tired for the first couple of weeks, but it gets better.

The hardest thing is settling them in with childcare, but it sounds like you don't need to worry about that. It's amazing how little you think about them once you get busy. I hope that doesn't sound bad! Also, if you're going into a new job, like I did, you probably won't talk about children as much with your new colleagues, so that'll help you miss them a bit less.

Also, I found that nothing at work scared me any more after I'd had a baby. So even if you have a big presentation or meeting it's not childbirth, so there's no need to worry! Er, is that just me?

One shallow thing: Don't buy loads of new work clothes until you see what everyone there is wearing.

Good luck - and treat yourself on payday!

[reren]

Again i wasnt off work as long as you but i am really pleased to be back at work! Hard at this time of year when so dark and cold - but then its hard work being home w small children in the winter too (so swings in roundabouts). I find there are irritations of work - politics and that sort of stuff feels v tedious after effectively being your own boss but generally it is so nice to be in the buzz of a workplace again! I am not at all envious of my friends who are at home - partly cause its such hard work taking care of kids all day! The commuting and rushing about that is involved in being a working mum is tiring, but the actual work (for me at least) is much easier than being at home w a toddler! And speaking very personally - i hadnt realised how much i missed the variety of experiences work gives you. I found there was a monotony to being at home w a small child - their routine (however much i wasnt a routine led mum) was relentless and varied so little. I hadnt realised how much i'd enjoy meeting new people, being exposed to new ideas, using that part of my brain again! I also have found i savour the time i have w my son and i think i'm giving him just as much 'quality time' now as ever. I dont really get the guilt thing - maybe cause my mum worked and i always just felt proud of her and never felt we were disadvantaged? I think what she did very well was to always make us feel that although she was working and (that was important) we were always more important and the most important thing in her life. Not sure hOw she did that really- except she told us that a lot. Definitely worked!

[jollybaby]

I've been back at work for 2 1/2 months and am really enjoying it. I was particularly nervous about going back as I had a pretty rough time before going on maternity leave. I'm working 3 days a week and miss jb is at the on site nursery which i'm sure has made it much easier than for some- no last minute dashes across London.

Going back to work has made me feel 'normal' again - I suppose I hadn't realised how much my job is part of me. As others have said it's great being able to have a coffee with colleagues and even go to the loo without being accompanied.

Good luck and congratulations.

Ps - I've found stretchy wrap type dresses to be my saviour - no ironing and you only need to think about 1 piece of clothing at a time!

[Fidgetsmum]

I salute the ladies of EDF. Thank you. I went into work this morning for a pre-start planning meeting and came away more excited about the prospect of starting than I'd anticipated. But the getting two kids up (including bf the baby first thing), dressed, breakfasted and then the drive to the nanny share, the drive to get closer to the station, the train, then the next train and then finally the tube was highly unpleasant. I'm sure it'll get better. But I have to say, you're all right about the quality time thing - I found when I picked them up this evening I was much more tolerant than I usually am and able to relax about the routine as I knew I only had an hour or so before they'd be in bed. I'm going to advertise for a cleaner - we have one that comes once a fortnight at the moment, but on Sundays and only for a couple of hours and she doesn't do the ironing so we need someone new from the new year.

Thank you for all the hints and tips.

[Monkey]

Verde: same here. Nothing scares me. I am much more assertive with people and it's working wonders.

Jolly baby: too true about wrap dresses!

[new mother]

Jb, good idea but from where please? I have two dvf ones but need to find much cheaper options these days...

[sb]

.

[reren]

Figetsmum your commute (my least favourite bit of being back at work) sounds horrific! Is there any chance something like the east london line might be an option for you (long shot that its anywhere near your house or work but wondered as its a relatively new line you might not have considered it and it is brilliant)Or what about getting a scooter/ bicycle or some other radical rethink? Sounds like the commute will be really draining for you? Maybe if you have a partner you just have to put your foot down and say they have to do drop offs and pick ups? Or maybe there's someone from the nursery you could rotate with? I guess you've already thought thru all of those things - but i feel for you doing that every day! Otherwise great news that you felt so excited about work - i'm sure you'll find it continuea to be very rewarding!

[jollybaby]

New mother - re wrap dresses definitely nothing as grand as DVF. Currently cycling one from Kew and one from Great Plains and then on the third day I pull together something random! I think Isabella Oliver may do non maternity wrap dresses too - which I expect would be good quality and not as pricy as DVF.

[sanity girl]

JB - thanks for the pointer to Kew for wrap dresses - they look good! Sorry to continue the more frivolous aspect of this thread, but would you say their sizes come up small, big or true to size? Thinking of ordering something from them online!

One a more serious note I'd agree with all the above - as long as you are happy with childcare and have help for household chores it will be fine. I usually heave a sigh of relief when I get into work and get to sit down at my desk and drink a coffee uninterrupted while I check my emails. I also second the recommendation to incorporate some exercise into your journey to work if possible. I now usually cycle to work and back (admittedly fairly local so only a 10 minute journey) and it really wakes me up in the morning, plus I've lost loads of weight :))

[jollybaby]

True to big I'd say!

[Vickster]

Boden pretty good for wrap dresses and other jersey type dresses, but I find they come up quite long. Currently 25% off and free delivery and returns. Will dig out he code if anyone is interested.

[Fidgetsmum]

Well. I'm in to week two and wanted to thank you so much for all your advice. I'm so far enjoying the opportunity of drinking a cup of tea. And I'm missing the kids terribly but making the most of the glancing moments at breakfast or before bedtime. And BOY do I want to make the most of weekends now - but that's great - never a moment wasted which can only be a good thing.

Thanks again Ladies of EDF. I salute you.

[Strawbs]

This has been great to read through, I'm back at work in 6 weeks (full time unfortunately as my work won't accept a part time situation) and I've been verging on tears for the last couple of weeks.. Baby strawbs starts nursery in 4 weeks so I'm home for initial nursery bugs and then come October I'm back..

Trying to be positive about it, I hope I'll be as ok as others on here..

X

[sillywoman]

It's tough isn't it? After more than 16 years at home, or working part time from home, looking after my children I'm about to go back into full time University education. For the first time in all those years I'll be out of my house all day five days a week. Someone else will be collecting my youngest from school. I won't be able to drop everything for minor emergencies. I just won't be here.

I'll be doing something I've waited a long, long time to do, but still it's very scary. And even though my 'baby' is well able to understand where I am and what I'm doing I still feel terrible guilt that he won't be getting the same childhood that his older siblings had and that I'll be relying on his siblings to collect him somedays of the week. I feel bad that they'll be 'latchkey kids' (do we still use that term?), and that when my older ones come in I won't be here to ask about their day and hear their grunted monosyllabic relies. They'll watch too much telly and play too much xbox and if they don't pass their GCSE's and A levels and become drop outs and druggies it will all be my fault for NOT BEING HERE! And for me too, the thought of not being able to scuttle back to my shell/house when the world gets scary just makes my insides turn to jelly.

As I said, I've waited a long time to do this course, I should be so excited that it's only a few weeks away. Instead I veer between numbness and downright fear. I guess there's never a 'right' time to go back to work is there? Damned if we do and damned if we don't - or maybe that's just parenthood?

Anyway - looking on the bright side - once I'm trained and can get a job (if there are any) I'll be able to pay their therapists fees later on. :))

[minimac]

Sillywoman you'll be fine and love your new 'lease of life' Especially as you're following your dream. Although it is a scary thought the children will hopefully benefit in other areas too (as is so often the way when family dynamics/roles change people learn to react positively and adapt).

You have passed on so much knowledge, help and support to so many in ED the future community where you work (as you WILL get that dream job) are very lucky to benefit from your new career path - only wish that I might be one of them!

[Convex]

I had a key and so was a latchkey kid I guess! For a while anyway.

I liked it.

House to myself, etc etc. didn't feel hard done by at all. Mum always worked except for one year she took out to 'be a mum' (she did stuff like volunteer in the school canteen etc)

So I agree with minimac, your kids will adapt and also they will be very proud of you.

[Convex]

Ps I'm really looking forward tk going back, this thread h helped too.