a joke

[Mikecg]

LOL!

[brianb]

just been sacked from my job at the wines & spirits section at asda

a paki came in and asked me to recommend a good port

i said dover now fuck off

[AllyCat]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about ?50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the ?50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus."

[Mscrawthew]

A guy goes to the Local Council to apply for a job. The interviewer asks

him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

He answers 'Yes - caffeine'

'Have you ever been in the services?' 'Yes,' he says. 'I was in service

for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward

employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, 'Yes ...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right

now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM.

You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why

don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?' '

'This is a council job,' the interviewer says.

'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and

scratching our b*llocks, not really any point in you coming in for that.'

[Xena Worried prince]

Mscrawthew - that is so true to life, do you work for Southwark council or something ?

[JetSetWilly]

Rolf Harris will be doing the artwork for Michael Jacksons concerts at the O2. As a thank you Jackson has promised to do Two Little Boys at the end of every show.

[JetSetWilly]

following on from lasts night incident in belfast, when a catholic woman was shot in the fanny, a protestant woman was this morning shot in the breast. police sources suggest it was a case of tit for t,wat.

[Jah Lush]

Q: What's the difference between cancer and a cow?

A: Max Clifford can't milk a cow.

[Mikecg]

I could add to that but now I've been re-briefed so I'll leave it to speculation.

Edited because I neglected to remember the phrase I before E except after C......

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: Wife wanted. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.

[????]

...and on the same Les Dawson note, Classified Add "For sale - full set of Encyclopedia Britanicca. No longer needed because the wife knows f*cking everything."

[VeryBerryCherry]

Jah Lush Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Q: What's the difference between cancer and a

> cow?

> A: Max Clifford can't milk a cow.

SERIOUSLY SICK... Please don't look unless... erm, well, you can't help yourself...

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart,only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniel's every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Thirty-four," she replied.

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'

[mattham]

Apologies if it's been posted before; but in honour of Clement Freud:

funniest joke ever

[David Mc]

Excellent mattham. Rhinestone Cowboy - you must raise your bar!

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Yup sorry Freud joke was very very funny. first class. thanks for that

[David Mc]

Shamelessly stolen from Karl Lutchmayer via Time Out.

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

None - just get the keyboard player to put it in with their left hand.

[CamberwellOz]

I just laughed out loud for a good fifteen minutes. You have to say it with Connery's accent though.

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

'Tennish'

[Mikecg]

Theres an Alzhiemers protest march tomorrow and the slogans going to be

What do we want? f*ck knows?

When do we want it? want what?

[louisiana]

So how does anyone remember when or where to turn up?

[Mikecg]

Exactly

[louisiana]

Wake me up whenever we get to wherever we're going :-S

[skidmarks]

Dyslexic man walks into a bra?.