a joke

[Bluerevolution]

Rhinestone Cowboy Wrote:

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> Just bought an Alexander McQueen shirt

>

> Bit tight around the neck

> But it hangs well..

>

>

>

> Bad but also kinda funny

Quality ! Stolen and reposted elsewhere !

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

[hibbs]

Just bought myself a new Toyota with all the extras,

would like to tell you more?

but can't stop now!

[Jah Lush]

A guy sacked from the dodgems is taking his employers to court.

He's claiming funfair dismissal.

[Smeltz]

Paddy walks up his driveway a bit worse for drink and his son is working on his car "What's up son?" he asks. "Piston broke" the son says. "Aye, me too son, me too"

[Rhinestone Cowboy]

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners to fifth graders asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

[JetSetWilly]

whys the space between a womans breasts and her hips called a waist?

because you could easily fit another pairs of tits in it.

[Narnia]

REACTIONS TO TERRORIST THREATS

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come end rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be all right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level

[brum]

A firework and a battery got into a fight and were both arrested.

The firework was let off, but the battery was charged.

[Bluerevolution]

School teacher in Liverpool asks the class "Who supports Liverpool?" All the kids put their hands up except Billy, so the teacher asks who he supports, Billy says "Spurs" so teacher asks why & Billy says "Well my parents both come from London & they support Spurs so I do too" Teacher says "You don't have to copy your parents Billy, what would you do if your mum was a prostitute & your dad was a burglar?" Billy replies "I'd support Liverpool like you c**ts !"

[Bluerevolution]

A scouser goes to the council to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the council worker.

"10" replies the woman.

"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne" she answers.

"What? They've all got the same name?" says the council worker, "Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Don't be soft," says the scouse woman, "It's great - if they're out playing in the street I just have to yell 'WAAAAAYNE, YER DINNERS READY' or 'WAAAAAAYNE GO TO BED NOW YER SOFT LAD!' and they all do it."

"But what if you want to speak to one individually?" asks the perturbed council worker.

"That's easy," says the Scouse woman "I just use their surnames."

[Freddy1929]

how do you know when you have Elephants in your fridge

footprints in the butter...

[Freddy1929]

How do Elephants hide in a cherry tree

They paint their toe nails red.....

[OutOfFocus]

What's worse than getting a pregnant elephant in a mini.

Getting an elephant pregnant in a mini

[garysvan]

where is the fastest cake in the bakers? SCONE

[jimmy two times]

All the toilets at East Dulwich Cop Shop were stolen last night.

Police have nothing to go on.

[????]

Why did the mexican push his wife off the cliff?

Tequuuuuila

[jimmy two times]

A number of dogs were stolen from Battersea Dogs home last night.

Police are following all leads.

[Jah Lush]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee after Mass.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic man says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a look and said, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38 Double D breasts, 24" waist, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

[Marmora Man]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Irish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Irish, in the weeks that followed, an English archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Sassenach Morning Herald read:

"English archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 30 years earlier than the Irish".

One week later, the Banffshire Courier in Buckie, Scotland, reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Enzie, Banffshire, Jock Broon, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger all. Jock has therefore concluded that 130 years ago, Scotland had already gone wireless."

[Marmora Man]

A Very Important Labour Politician boarding the plane at Heathrow bound for Edinburgh and his constituency was seated next to a little girl. Having strapped in he turned to the young girl and said ?Let?s talk. I?ve heard that the flight goes more quickly if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger?.

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the Very Important Labour Politician ?What would you like to talk about??

?Oh I don?t know? said the Very Important Labour Politician ?how about global warming or universal healthcare?? and he smiles smugly and strangely, in the way that only a Very Important Labour Politician can.

?OK? she said. ?Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff ? grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produce clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is??

The Very Important Labour Politician, surprised by the little girl?s question thinks about and says ? Hmmm, I have no idea?

To which the little girl replies ?Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal healthcare when you don?t know shit??

[Narnia]

And that doesn't apply to Very Important Conservative Politicians?

[Sue]

Yeh well said Narnia :))

[Marmora Man]

Obviously it works with whatever individual is used - An Englishman / Irishman / SCotsman / A Politician etc etc. Insert politician according to your prejudice - my prejudice is fairly well known and I transmitted joke as received.

[Mick Mac]

Not sure it would work. There are currently no conservative politicians of any importance. But maybe in a couple of months time.