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a joke

Mark

By Mark
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georgia

georgia

Posted
Posted

What's a Shitzu?

An zoo with no animals


I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.

They said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."


So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!

I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

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georgia

georgia

Posted
Posted

Tony Blair visits Glasgow hospital, and he's shown around by a nurse.


In one ward, one patient says to him, "My lurve is leek a rade rade rose..".


The next patient says to him "Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie!".


Tony says to the nurse: "Is this a Psychiatric ward?".


The nurse says: "No.. it?s the serious Burns unit..."

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Keef

Keef

Posted
Posted

Okay this isn't actually mine, was told to me in the pub the other day but feel I have to share it. The version below is pasted from a jokes site, but the version I heard the other day lasted about 45 minutes, which made the punchline even better in my opinion!!!


As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys,tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors.


On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends.


The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull.


He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost!


You can imagine he was rather p****d off with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever.


All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.


Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face.


Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears.


With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again.


He went back into the bar where the air was now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.


"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"


"No problem", said Joe "I'm an extractor fan" >:D<


Crystal, please please tell your one, you know the one I mean, it's not like you do any work, you have time to type it up!!! ;-)

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bagpuss78

bagpuss78

Posted
Posted

Got it!



A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter

over, whose name is Yervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing

at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip.

Yervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so

mild and friendly'. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over

to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises

a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can't. Yervaise goes back to

the customer, and says he can't kill it, but the customer still insists that he wants to eat it.

Yervaise has an idea, and says 'OK, I'll go and get Hans, our dishwasher,

he's a tough guy, he'll be able to kill it'. He goes and gets Hans, and

Hans takes the knife and is about to chop the squid up, when it looks up.

Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can't kill it

either, so they both go and tell the customer that they're really sorry

and he can't eat it.

The moral of the story?... ..

Hans that does dishes is as soft as Yervaise with mild green hairy lip squid.

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Keef

Keef

Posted
Posted

Tsk tsk Mark & Huguenot, making this thread ever so slightly risqu?.... I wanted to tell my favourite joke, but think it's probably a bit beyond risqu? ;-)


By the way...



On a cold, rainy, windy night, a man was walking home from the CPT, up Underhill Road by the cemetary. As he passed the gates, he heard a THUMP! in the darkness behind him. He stopped and turned to see it was a coffin, on its end, thumping from side to side, and bouncing toward him - THUMP, THUMP, THUMP.


The man, terrified for his life, turned and ran into the driving rain. Behind him, the coffin came faster - THUMP! THUMPITY, THUMP! The man turned the corner onto his street and ran through his front gate, the coffin right behind him. He dashed in his house, slammed the door shut, but the coffin just smashed its way in and chased the man upstairs. Desperate and scared to death, he bolted into the bathroom and locked the door. He wished he could call the police, but of course East Dulwich Police Station was un-manned, and Peckham would take too long to respond!!!


The coffin banged against the door, once ... twice ... and on the third time, the door exploded as the coffin crashed its way into the bathroom. Heart pounding and desperate, the man reached out his hand and grabbed everything and anything that he could throw at the coffin. Razor blades, bathroom scales, towels... but the coffin continued banging from side to side, faster and louder. THUMP!!! THUMP!!! THUMP!!! The man screamed and reached for the last item on the shelf; a bottle of benylin! He threw it at the coffin...


...and the coffin stopped! >:D<

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