a joke

[Chartwell]

What is the name of the most common owl in the UK?

A tea-towel (a friend of mine asked me why it wasn't a hand towel or a bath towel, some things just don't require too deep a thought process!!)

Why do birds fly south for winter?

Because it's too far to walk! boom boom!

[Joe likes dinner]

Fish swims into a wall - damn!

[Jimbo]

i'd called the met - it could be semtex......

[Joe likes dinner]

why did the meusli drown in the milk?

A strong currant pulled it under.

[bald marauder]

I shared some of these with my colleagues at work today - they were very much appreciated - thank you everyone!

[SimonM]

A message by A Lady in the "buggy etiquette" section elsewhere reminded me of an old Frankie Howard joke.

He described a visit to a supermarket where he encountered a woman in a mild state of undress - to wit, blouse unbuttoned and one breast exposed. He subtly hissed a message to the lady, to the effect that "one was hanging out, dear", whereupon she glanced down and sighed "Bollocks...have I gone and left the baby on the bus again?!"

[bagpuss78]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected

a 1 pint of milk, a dozen eggs, a carton orange juice, a

head of romaine lettuce, coffee, and some bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a

drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly

stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued

by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly

unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her

marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're

absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk

replied, " 'Cause you're ugly."

(SORRY :-S)

[bagpuss78]

This good looking man walks into an agent's office in

Hollywood and says "I want to be a movie star."

Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had

the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order

to get into Hollywood, you are gonna have to change

your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is

centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by

changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for

years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a

name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you

will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able

to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together"

the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER.....

The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside

the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The

agent is awestruck, who would possibly send him

$50,000?

He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to

become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to

change my name.Determined to make it with my God-given

birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make

it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought about what you

said. I decided you were right. I had to change my

name. I had too much pride to return to your office,

so I signed with another agent. I would never have

made it without changing my name, so the enclosed

check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

[Jah Lush]

This little lad is peddling down the street on his bike in Belfast when he gets hit by a car doing about 60 miles an hour.

An old woman rushes over to him and sees that he's really badly injured.

"An ambulance is on its way my son," she says. "Do you want me to call for a Priest?"

"No thanks Ma'am," says the little boy. "Sex is the last thing on my mind right now!"

[Mark]

What's an Essex girl's favourite wine?

"I wanna go Lakeside!"

[Keef]

>:D< Good one Jah Lush...

Reminds me of a great one I heard when I lived in Liverpool, but have to go to a meeting now, so will have to post it another time......

[Jah Lush]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said: "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked: "What's he like?"

The little boy replied: "Beer, and women with big tits."

[Jah Lush]

Cheers Keef,

glad you liked that one. When you come back from your meeting you'll see I've posted another. Tee-hee. Look forward to your one.

:)-D

[Huguenot]

A wandering peddlar walks into a bar, and finds himself without enough cash for a pint. In lieu of payment he offers to show the barman a remarkable magic trick, the barman in turn agrees to the deal only if he is sufficiently impressed.

Pulling one of his many plastic bags up, he lays it on its side and claps his hand. After much shufflling and scratching a miniature fellow, in top hat and tails, about a foot high, emerges from the bag pushing a similarly proportioned miniature grand piano. He disappears back into the bag, and re-emerges 30 seconds later with a piano stool.

Then, flicking his tails to one side, he seats himself and delivers a perfect rendition of Pomp and Cirumstance.

Finally, with a flourish, he disappears back into the bag, musical instrument and all.

Staggered, the barman offers the peddlar another pint if he could show how he acquired this remarkable accessory.

"Indeed", says the peddlar, producing a further plastic bag and pulling an Alladin's lamp from within. "I polished this firmly with my left hand before whispering my wish into the spout".

Sensibly, the barman offers the peddlar another pint if he could have a toot on this remarkable organ, a request to which the peddlar duly obliges.

After a moment's silence the barman's attention is suddenly drawn away, because in the distance a quiet yowping and yipping, baying and rowfing could be heard (much as a Batdog in a shopping bag no less). However, as the seconds passed this grew into a crescendo of barking, yowling dogs. Suddenly the windows, the doors crashed in and they were surrounded by dog after dog tumbling over each other into the pub...

"You silly b@stard" shouts the barman "I wanted a million pounds not a million hounds"

"And what the f*ck do you think I wanted?" yells the peddlar in return "A 12-inch pianist???"

[Jah Lush]

Paddy Murphy limps into a Belfast pub looking as if he'd just been run over by a train. His arm in a sling, his nose is broken and his face is cut and bruised.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the barman.

"Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little swine, O'Connor," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand?"

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

[mockney piers]

Why did the Mexican push his wife of a cliff?

Tequila!

What did the spanish fireman name his twin boys?

Jos? and Hose b

What does a mexican put on his floor?

Andal?

(hmm, don't work so well written)

[Jah Lush]

An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

She turned and asked: "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied: "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, so I guess I am." He then asked her what she was.

She replied: "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A little while later a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him: "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied: "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

[Keef]

Here you go Jah Lush....

A young priest takes over a parish, when the former priest Father O?Brien retires. On handing over the reins, father O?Brien says to the young man ?do ya have any questions before I leave you father??

The young priest replies ?Actually father I have my concerns about what to say to people in the confessional?.

?Ah, that?s no problem? says father O?Brien, ?I keep a book in there with alphabetical listings of sins, and the correct response?.

?That?s excellent father? says the young priest, and they say goodbye.

After his first Sunday mass (a great success), the priest is sitting in the confessional, when a man walks in?

?Forgive me father, for I have sinned, I have stolen ?20 from my friend?

The priest opens the book, and looks up theft? ?Well that?ll be 3 hail Mary?s for you then? he says, and the man leaves.

This goes on, and the book is proving to be invaluable, until?

The next Sunday, the priest is in the confessional, and by now is quite confident. A young woman?s voice says ?Forgive me father for I have sinned. I gave my married neighbour a blow job?.

The priest is taken aback, and looks in his book under Blow job, but it?s not there! He looks under ?Fellatio?, but it?s not there either!!!

Starting to panic, the priest opens the door to the confessional, and sees the choirboys walking out of the church. ?Pst, pst? he gets the attention of one of the boys. ?Son, do you know what father O?Brien used to give for a blow job??

?Yes father? says the boy, ?A packet of crisps and 2 Mars Bars? ;-)

[Huguenot]

My wife went to the Carribean!

[mockney piers]

Jamaica?

[Huguenot]

No, she went of her own accord.

My sister went to Hertfordshire...

[mockney piers]

Hitchin?

[Huguenot]

No, she went in a Honda Accord

[mightyroar]

Did Cannon and Ball just hack into Mockney and Huguenot's laptops?

[georgia]

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in

the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went

missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he

started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that

doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.