a joke

[bagpuss78]

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a gin ....................................... and tonic." The bartender says "Why the big pause?"

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt."

The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?"

The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

A guy walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder. The barman asks him what the lizard is called and the man says "Tiny."

"Why is it called Tiny?" asks the barman and the guy replies "Because it's my newt."

[CrystalClear]

man walks into a bar....ouch :))

[Mark]

One day, a man came home from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightdress. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

[CrystalClear]

As keef asked. I make no promises that this is amusing and apologise for the length.

Ok. So there's this chap in the desert (think he lives on Underhill, but for now, and for whatever reasons, he is in the desert). Anyways, this chap ain't doing to well, see, could do with some water otherwise he's a gonna (and who will look after Arian, his cat, if that happens). He's crawling along the dunes, the sun roasting what little flesh he has left on his blistered face when, on the horizon, he sees......A tent!

he crawls with speed, a renewed hope within, a new dawn (if you will) is possible. As he draws nearer he sees that is infact a small collection of about three tents, all with shop fronts. At this sight he screams 'I'm alive!! Thank god, I am alive.'

He crawls up to the first of these shops and slowly raises himself onto the shop's counter. Gaily he says to the keeper of the shop, 'My good man, I have ten English pounds in my hand, please, would you be kind enough to let me have some water in exchange for it?' The shop keeper, looking down at this human wreck responds, 'Sir, I can provide you with almonds, and macaroons, and we also do sponges, but I am afraid we do not sell water.'

Our intrepid explorer is slightly taken aback by this, falling off the counter and out of the shop. How, he asks to himself, 'can they not sell water. COME ON!! What market research did they do, they clearly have no idea of their customer base'. Still, not to worry, he thought, there are two other shops, they can't all be planning on going bankrupt quite so quickly. So to the second shop he goes, weary and tired, but confident he'll find water. Again he asks, and again, the shop keeper responds.....

'My friend, water? Oh, how I would like to be able to sell you water. By the gods, I would be a happy man if that were possible. But I am afraid you ask of me something that I cannot do. You see sir, we are a fruit shop, a purveyor of the freshest fruit. Raspberries, strawberries, fruit I can sell you, but water.....

F***** B******* our man thinks to himself. In the middle of the desert and no F****** water. What the F*** are they F****** thinking. He remembers to breath. With not much left in the tanks, as the sun reaches its midday crescendo he use what little energy he has left to get to the third and final shop. Says he 'Look 'ere mate, these two plonkers (he has lost some of his charm by this point) 'ave no water. Please, give me water. You MUST have some water, for crying out loud, who the hell would put a shop in the desert that doesn't sell water!!!'

'Sir' the final shop keeper replies. 'I can offer our freshest cream. I can offer you custard and I can offer you our finest imported sherry, but I am sorry, I cannot offer water, as we do not stock it.'

'Whaaaaat!!!!' Our man screams, the last of his life fading,

'Sir. I am sorry, I'm afraid that this is a trifle bazaar........

I thank you :))

[georgia]

These are very bad and very sexist (but quite funny):

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne".

"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"

"Glen Iris" he replies

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies

"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.

"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's

a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I wasn't talking to you."

[mockney piers]

What's a chav's favourite part of london?

Bo!

[spoonsby]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54-years-old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.

-Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband: You, too, are 54-years-old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy.

Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Don't wait up.

[Jimbo]

A wounded soldier asks the nurse:

- Did I come here to die?

- No love, you came here yesterday...

[spoonsby]

The Italian says, "When I have a-finished makina love with my

girl-a-friend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees. She

floatsa 6 inches abova da bed in ecstasy".

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze

love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick

ze soles of her feet with mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze

bed in pure ecstasy".

The Irishman says, "Dat's nottin'. When Oi've finished shaggin' me bord,

I get out of da bed, walk over to d'window and wipe me knob on da

curtain. She hits da 4kin' roof.

[batdog]

A stranger was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea." "Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?" >:D<

[bagpuss78]

Whats pink fluff called.....................Pink Fluff

Whats Blue fluff called...........................Its pink fluff holding it's breath

(I know it's bad but a small child told me it and I had to share)

[Mark]

what time is it when you go to the dentist?

Tooth-hurty

[Keef]

Okay, here goes....

A newly wed couple both of whom are Deaf and British Sign Language (BSL) users, are enjoying their new life together. However, they are having a bit of a problem in the bedroom department, in that once the lights are out, they can't see each other signing, so communication is a real issue.... This is obviously having an effect on their sex life, which is a nightmare, particularly in this, the honeymoon period....

One day they're discussing this, and wife says to hubby (through sign), "I have an idea, when we're in bed in the dark, and you feel a bit frisky, just lean over and give my left breast a quick squeeze to let me know. If you're tired and you just want to sleep, give the right breast a quick squeeze, and we know where we are."

Hubby agrees with this, and gets to thinking......

The next day hubby says to wife. "That was a really good idea you had yesterday, so I've been thinking.... If we're in bed and you're feeling frisky, reach over and give my knob a quick tug to let me know. If you're feeling tired and just want to sleep, just reach over and tug it 250 times!"

Sorry >:D<

[Mark]

What key can open any lock?

A pikey

[Keef]

That's a great one!!! >:D

[bagpuss78]

Have been told I must make a statement concerning the 'jervais' joke, this was actually told to me by crystal clear some time ago, ergo I claim no rights to this joke, I thankyou. :-$

[SimonM]

The "Jervais" joke has been around for years - I'd love to knwo who "created" it! I suspect two ad-men having a long boozy lunch together thought it up, probably drinking to forget they had just lost the "Faory Liquid" account...

The joke has been immortalised in one of Ian Rankin's Rebus books - I forget which - but he strews bits of it all the way through the novel and only those who have heard the jokes recognise what he is doing! >:D<

[SimonM]

OK here's my sad contribution:-

Two parrots were sitting on a perch and one said to the other "Can you smell fish?"

[Incitatus]

Jeremy Beadle's got a small penis.

But on the other hand it's quite big.

[Keef]

I'm sure I emailed that joke to Crystal anyway, so next time just kick him in the shins ;-)

[bagpuss78]

Thank you Keef, I will do he's a precious thing isn't he

[mockney piers]

I?ve started receiving some very strange mail recently, someone keeps sending me large packets of plasticine. I don?t know what to make of it !

[nutty]

Two fish in a tank - one says to the other, how do we drive this thing?

[nutty]

Two snowmen in a field, one says to the other - can you smell carrots?

[nutty]

sorry - inspired by earlier parrot gag