a joke

[strawberrygail]

What's the difference between an alsatian and pan loaf?

They're different breeds...

[spadetownboy]

you scottish by any chance?

[mockney piers]

Aaaaaaaah, I get it now!!!!!!

[mockney piers]

Wikipedia conquers all

 

[strawberrygail]

yes i am scottish and it's my favourite joke apart from what's brown and sticky? a stick.

[spadetownboy]

thought so,it was,nt the breed that gave it away more the pan loaf,only 2 places you get bread discribed as pan ireland and scotland,unfortunately they havnt discovered the delights of plain bread down here yet.

[georgia]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies, 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: '#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes!... I'm single.. and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween Party.'

[Mark]

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband. "I must confess darling, I was a hooker". He says, "That's alright dear. Your past is your past but I must admit that I find it erotic. Tell me about it". The wife says "My name was Nigel and I played for London Irish".

[MrBen]

Whats Amy Winehouses favourite tube station?

High Barnet

[spadetownboy]

This Polish bloke goes to Specsavers for an eyetest and a new pair of bins.

The optician stands him against the wall and asks hiM can he read DREZHETEZXKDHZ the bottom line on the chart.

"Read it" replies the bloke,"i know him".

[Jah Lush]

This story is told by a recent airline passenger.

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who

seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and

told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be

landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just

put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather

Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me

over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so

the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a

Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,

"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.

Tray-up, Bitch!"

Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you

respond to it

[brianb]

osama bin laden has sent out a new video message to prove he is still alive

in it he says heart of midlothian fc were absolutely shit at the weekend

british intelligent services have dismissed it saying it could have been

recorded anytime in the last 25 years

[spadetownboy]

whats the medical term for the fatty tissue that surrounds the clitoris?

the wife.

[Narnia]

For your sake I hope she doesn't read this!

[East Dulwich Angst]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her

husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"

She asked.

"Hunting Flies"

He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?"

She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.

"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,

"3 were on a beer can,

2 were on the phone."

[spadetownboy]

Declan Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> For your sake I hope she doesn't read this!

i told it to her,its the sofa for me tonight.

[Jah Lush]

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos). As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, bent over to pick it up... and set off all the other bells.

[spadetownboy]

jesus and the 12 apostoles are at a wedding having a grand old time, when suddenly jesus stands up,grabs a few jugs of water and announces to the boys, "right lads im going to turn this water into wine, like i did the time we went to the wedding in cavan"

st peter jumps out of his chair "you will in your hole you bollix ye, you,ll get you round in like the rest of us".

[Mark]

I discovered my dog has turned into a bit of a locksmith. I stuck a poker up his arse and he made a bolt for the door.

(from Popbitch)

[Ant]

:D

[spadetownboy]

after her outburst on daytime tv,a leading psychiatrist has announced that heather mills mc cartney is clearly unbalanced. strangely sir paul felt obliged to defend his estranged wifes honour by announcing in a press conference that a couple of beer mats placed under her left leg usually rectifys this.

[spadetownboy]

whats the difference between bse and pmt. one affects the brain and sends the cow mad,the other affects livestock.

[spadetownboy]

bloke walks into a library and asks for a book on how to commit suicide. Fcuk off says the librarian you wont bring it back.

[East Dulwich Angst]

I went to the butchers the other day & I asked

"Do you have a pigs head?"

"Yes" he said,

"Well give me two lamb chops, porky pig face!"

[Rolo Tomasi]

WHY MEN HAVE BETTER FRIENDS

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.