A bit of light relief for Xmas

[adonirum]

With all the doom and gloom and aggressive rhetorc contained in some of the threads on this forum thought I might inject a bit of Xmas cheer. So how about some jokes/one liners to brighten up these long winter nights from all you regular witty contributors out there. Considering the media we are all using, I'll start off............

[adonirum]

Conjunctivitus.com

Now there's a site for sore eyes.

[Louisa]

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

Louisa.

[Vik]

I was raised as an only child, which really pissed my sister off.

[DulwichFox]

Mrs Christmas asks Father Christmas "What's the weather like tonight ?"

He replied.. "Looks like rain dear.."

Foxy.

[right-clicking]

Hear about the dyslexic Africans who laid some flowers at the gates of a Nissan main dealer?

[ruffers]

When I was in trouble at school I was sent to see the man with no arms, no legs and no body.

If he wasn't available I had to see the man with no arms, no legs, no body and a cowboy hat.

[Drxyster]

Did you hear about the Dyslexics who wrote Christmas Gift requests to SATAN ?

[Jeremy]

ruffers Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> When I was in trouble at school I was sent to see

> the man with no arms, no legs and no body.

>

> If he wasn't available I had to see the man with

> no arms, no legs, no body and a cowboy hat.

I had to google that one...

[uncleglen]

What's the difference between a nun and a woman in the bath?...One has a soul full of hope and the other has a...(I'll let you finish that one)

[PeckhamRose]

I used to go out with a radio DJ, when we'd walk under a bridge I couldn't hear a damn thing she was saying.

I bought powdered water. You just add water.

I bought a pack of batteries. Batteries not included.

(I love American comic Steve Wright)

[Dopamine1979]

"I remember when the candle shop burned down.

Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'" - Steve Wright

[unlurked]

The wife said I should see her point of view more often. So I looked out the kitchen window.

[FJDGoose]

unlurked Wrote:

----.---------------------------------------------------

> The wife said I should see her point of view more

> often. So I looked out the kitchen window.

:)

[Jah Lush]

[Vik]

Watched a few Christmas films back to back with the husband last night.

Luckily I was the one facing the television.

[Dopamine1979]

Vik Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Watched a few Christmas films back to back with

> the husband last night.

> Luckily I was the one facing the television.

:)

http://gifatron.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/RRnhhqW.gif

[Dopamine1979]

[adonirum]

Resurrected for a bit of Xmas cheer.

I nearly took up new employment last week until they presented me with the contract. In it I had to disclose if I had ever been admitted to a mental health hospital. I didn't take the position as I thought it unfair as everybody knows there's no such thing as a sanity clause.

[clockworkorange]

Two snowmen standing in a field, one turns to the other, sniffs the air and says....

Can you smell carrots?

[Jah Lush]

[Jeremy]

That man is barking mad.

[adonirum]

Annual resurrection .......let's be happy out there.

What do you get if you cross an apple with a nun?

A computer that'll never go down on you

(resurrected from the late 90's)

[TheArtfulDogger]

Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac

He lies awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog !

[Grok]

Otta. Appears to be a level-headed, intelligent and well read individual able to contribute constructively to most subjects. It would be fascinating to spend time in his company.