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Any decent Credit Crunch jokes?

Only me!

By Only me!
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Rhinestone Cowboy

Rhinestone Cowboy

Posted
Posted

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.


CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.




BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.


BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.


VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.


P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.


BROKER -- What my broker has made me.


STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.


STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.


STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.


FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.


MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.


CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.


YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.


WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @$240 per share.


INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.


PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

HonaloochieB

HonaloochieB

Posted
Posted

bon3yard Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> Surely this is beyond parody?


Vanessa? I'm not sure what Johny Depp's wife has to do with it?

Although I hear he earned Anne Widdecombe-sized arseloads of money off of the Pirates Of The Caribbean.

So maybe, that's it.

HonaloochieB

HonaloochieB

Posted
Posted

In this year's boardrooms, during the Christmas period, there'll be none of the usual fancy breakfasts.

No, just credit Crunchie Nut Cornflakes.


Yeah, alright, but there was a time Dave Lee Travis would have shaved off his beard for this sort of material.


Oh and if any f@cker tries to claim it as his own, I can still recall the very moment Danny Baker took over from DLT on Radio One. Beautiful it was.

HonaloochieB

HonaloochieB

Posted
Posted

In this year's boardrooms, during the entertaining period, bankers will be 'credit' crunching down on Walker's crisps.

As in contrast to the pate de fois grasse, king prawns, caviar and blinis and trout mousse they would have been enjoying a year before.


Though "Trout mousse?" "Let me get this correct, an ice cream made of FISH?"


As it might have been if I'd been advising Jackie Mason.


Could happen.

jumpinjackflash

jumpinjackflash

Posted
Posted

What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?

A pigeon can leave a deposit on a Ferrari.



What's the definition of optimism?

A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday.


Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Ted Max

Ted Max

Posted
Posted

Playlist at this years Bankers' Christmas Ball:

Move over Darling - Doris Day

Gimmee Your Money Please - Bachman-Turner Overdrive

Lose Your Money - The Moody Blues

No Money Down - Lou Reed

Crash ! Boom ! Bang ! - Roxette

Hey Mr Taxman, this is isn't the time to drive us deeper into recession by balancing large public sector borrowing with punitive taxes, you need to help people spend their way out of this mess, just like last time - Ruth Lea (Institute of Fat Directors)


LOL:)-Dlol!!arf:)!!elevnty>:D

Siduhe

Siduhe

Posted
Posted

An elderly lady receives an e-mail from the son of a deceased (but wealthy) African general, seeking her assistance in getting millions of pounds of family weath out of the country. The email asks if the son can transfer ?20 million into her bank account to be forwarded onto him in Switzerland, in return for the lady taking a 20% cut. All the son needs is the sort code and account number.


Not realising she is the victim of a Nigerian 419 fraud, she e-mails back the details. A couple of minutes later she receives an e-mail back from the general's son: 'Icesave?!' What is this, some sort of scam?"

MODonnell

MODonnell

Posted
Posted

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the

run on HBOS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.


In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up

and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it

was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a

song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they

nose-dived.


Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is

reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore,

500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is

something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may

get a raw deal.


Tsunami Bank has been hit by a wave of bad debts, and it is understood

That the numbers at Sudoku Bank just don't add up. Satsuma Bank is

apparently going to be restructured by being broken up into smaller

segments, and rumour has it that Koi Bank has been netted by a major

foreign competitor. Meanwhile shares in Judo Bank have been thrown into

turmoil and are likely to hit the floor soon following an announcement

from Hara-Kiri Bank that it was going into voluntary liquidation.

Management at Rickshaw Bank have asked all the staff to pull together to

get through this difficult time. Plans for recapitalisation at Kimono Bank

remain under wraps.


Geisha Bank, which after its nationalisation, had a rush of depositors

looking to reduce their debt stress


Further news as we get it.


Russian Banks seem to be bucking the trend and going from strength to

strength:


Although journalists could find no one from Balalaikabank to comment

because they were unsure who is pulling the strings. The CEO of

Vodkabank said his staff were in high spirits. Hermitage Bank of St

Petersburg said that they were about to move into new headquarters,

because the present ones "are like a museum." The CEO of Georgia Bank

was unavailable for comment, saying he had something on his mind.


However, the boss of the Kalashnikov Bank was more forthcoming,

inviting journalists to ask questions with the words "fire away."

Shares in Cossack Bank went up half a Rouble on the news that a new

CEO was about to climb into the saddle.


The Chairman of Volga Bank reported that things were flowing along

nicely. The only bad news on the Russian stockmarket was that

Borschbank's shares dropped 5% on rumours that the company has landed

in the soup. No one was available at the Samovar Bank, because all the

staff were on a tea break.

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