Top Tips

[Ladymuck]

Keep your eye on the prize...he he

Where IS Quids anyway...

Quids? Quids?

[waynetta]

Poor people. Can't afford smoked salmon? Simply eat the rubber off an old table tennis bat.

[jalapeno]

Not really but there's no other way than to fight fire with fire - stupid really but entertaining nevertheless. I'm just waiting for the shine to wear off. Marvellous!

[daizie]

convince neighbours you keep a bird of prey by wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of meat and looking up into the sky

[waynetta]

Discourage burglars by wearing a Policeman's uniform and standing outside your house day and night.

[daizie]

OLD LADIES. A dab of silver model aircraft paint transforms repulsive facial warts into fashionable piercings.

[waynetta]

Pretend you've reached the 'Eliminator' stage on Gladiators by running the wrong way up an escalator in Marks & Spencers.

[DulwichFox]

If you have a large family and want to save money at Christmas.

Have a spider for lunch.

Everyone can have a leg.

[daizie]

LORRY DRIVERS. Save pounds by spending less on pornography and axes to kill women with

[waynetta]

hahaha... That's nasty :)

[jalapeno]

Sadists: Deceive not thy sorry self by convincing that vehement verbal aggression could be deployed to snap the zeal of Antigone.

[daizie]

Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears, talking gibberish and singing all the time.

[jalapeno]

Fool: Endeavour to develop another hobby other than slating to bridge the lapse in your mental aptitude.

[waynetta]

Make people in the pub think you're a doctor by carrying a small leather bag and not laughing at the words 'penis', 'clitoris' or 'scrotum'.

[daizie]

BOILED EGGS cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make ideal miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs.

[waynetta]

Attempt your own corrective laser surgery by removing the back of your CD player and then staring into it whilst it is switched on.

[daizie]

Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding under the covers.

[waynetta]

Fellas. Why waste money on expensive '0898' numbers. Just phone your local department store, tell them it's your wife's birthday, and ask them to describe their latest selection of ladies' lingerie (while you masturbate furiously)

[daizie]

a usewd condom filled with water and left on a radiator makes an ideal and inexpensive lava lamp

[waynetta]

Blink alternatively with one eye and then the other whilst watching TV soaps. This way you'll never miss a second. If you add it all up you probably miss up to an hour of your favourite programmes each year due to normal blinking.

[daizie]

MINIMISE the risk of breaking your arm by avoiding swans wherever possible.

[waynetta]

Graffiti artists. Don't forget to take a can of brick-coloured Tippex in case you make a mistake.

[daizie]

CONVERT black labrador dogs into seals by feeding them pastries,

sweets and cakes, starving them of exercise, slipping a pair of

black socks onto their front paws and smearing their coats

in vaseline. Then encourage them to balance a beach ball on

their nose in return for fish-shaped dog biscuits.

[waynetta]

Fellas. Avoid p1ssing on the lavatory floor during the night after an evening of heavy drinking by nailing a pair of slippers to the floor directly in front of the toilet. Later, when you roll out of bed and stagger into the bathroom, simply slide your feet into the slippers and Voila ! You're in the perfect position for a p1ss.

[daizie]

WIG wearers. Secure your toupee in high winds by wearing a brightly coloured party hat with elasticated chin strap. Carry a balloon and a bottle of wine and you'll pass off as an innocent party-goer.