Top Tips

[daizie]

Blimey, well....

A SERIES of copycat farts following someone else's admisssion of guilt can compound the misery of the perpetrator, whilst simultaneously giving your bowels the clean out you've always dreamed of.

[woofmarkthedog]

http://thebsreport.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/white-flag.jpg

[waynetta]

Open up a bottle of bubbly to celebrate.

Or alternatively Enjoy the taste of Champagne without the hangover the next morning by putting putting a couple of alka seltzer into a bottle of urine.

[????]

Practice mountaneering at home by sleeping in the fridge, stuffing your lungs full of cotton wool and climbing up your roof with a flag

[daizie]

NAOMI CAMPBELL. Avoid irritating war tribunals by buying your jewellery from Elizabeth Duke's

[????]

CHARLES TAYLOR. Stop thinking a handful of dirty looking blood diamonds will get you in a supermodels' knickers.

[waynetta]

Actually, from what I heard it did.

[waynetta]

Save money and get fit at the same time by jogging behind the bus to work every morning.

[HAL9000]

Save money on telephone bills: (with caller ID on) call someone and hang up on the first ring. Chat for as long as you like when they call you back.

[waynetta]

Done that one already, but with mobile phones. Keep up.

Stylish mirrored sunglasses can be made using two milk bottle tops and some pipe cleaners, saving pounds on similar items sold in trendy shops.

[HAL9000]

Sorry - I've been away and couldn't be bothered to read through the entire thread. How about this one?

Save money on postage: carefully open stamped envelopes addressed to you and keep them for reuse.

When you want to send a letter to someone, write his or her address on the back, scribble out your address, mark the envelope ?return to sender? and drop it in a post box.

[Don't even think about doing this for real - Royal Mail has enough problems already.]

[waynetta]

Breast Men. When shopping in the supermarket miss out the first aisle so that you are going against the flow. Arse men should follow the usual route.

[waynetta]

Take a thermos flask to bed instead of a hot water bottle. The water stays hot much longer, and you can use it to make a cup of tea in the morning.

[HAL9000]

daizie Wrote:

-------------------------------------------------------

> SMACKING the tip of your cock with a teaspoon in

> the style of a boiled egg will distract swiftly

> from any stubbed toe pain

Well, that's the blokes and chicks-with-dicks sorted.

What do you smack when you stub your toe, or is there more to you than meets the eye?

[waynetta]

Two pieces of macaroni stuck together would make an ideal pair of binoculars for any little gingerbread men who express an interest in ornithology.

[waynetta]

Looks like I'll have to keep this going singlehandedly. At least til I go away tomorrow. :)

BELL RINGERS: Don't waste time raising money to save your church bells. Get the same teeth-grating effect by simply dropping different lengths of scaffolding pipe off the roof of the church at 8 o'clock every sunday morning.

[waynetta]

A small coniferous tree in the corner of your living room is an excellent place to store christmas decorations.

[waynetta]

Smokers. Save ???s every year on matches and expensive cigarette lighters by simply lighting your cigarette with the butt of your previous one.

[sofaRunner]

to prevent eggs rolling off your kitchen table simply place them in a bowl or similar receptacle - works every time!

[waynetta]

Dog owners: Never lose your remote control again. Simply sellotape it to the back of your dog, and hey presto! Whistle, and the device is at your beck and call! This can also apply to hot drinks, after intense training.

[waynetta]

For the benefit of Expat

Don't risk drowning next time you travel by boat. Simply wear a pair of bicycle clips and fill your trousers with ping pong balls.

[DulwichFox]

Are you fed up with people parking in 'your' spot outside your house. ?

Simply Park in your space, Never use your car and nobody can steal your spot.

[waynetta]

Now that an increasing number of products are no longer tested on animals it makes sense to keep several household pets in order that you can carry out your own tests, as and when required.

[waynetta]

Use only economy packs of toilet roll instead of 'luxury' tissue. You'll find that your fingers invariably go through both. But the money you save buying cheaper paper can then be spent on a bar of soap to clean them with.

[????]

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