Top Tips

[daizie]

What you trying to say waynetta? Moving on..

Used condoms make ideal fish flavoured chewing gum for cats!

[waynetta]

Well,

ain't worms able to procreate with themselves? Thought everyone knew that

WELL CHEWED bubble gum makes an ideal sealant for around baths, sinks and work tops, and works out only eight times the cost of conventional silicon based sealants. Occasionally, pick it off and chew it during idle moments in order to prevent it from drying out

what did you think i was trying to say daizie?

[daizie]

Haha.. well not me waynetta

Shove a cocktail stick up a centipede's arse to make an inexpensive mascara brush.

Err nothing buzzzzzzzzzzz..

[waynetta]

Good. Don't want you getting all paranoid android on me.

SILENCE your windy bottom by pulling apart your buttocks before you pump. Hey presto! No embarrassing fart noises.

Keep up the good work...top tip-wise that is.

[waynetta]

TWO pieces of Macaroni stuck together would make an ideal pair of binoculars for any little gingerbread men who express and interest in ornithology.

[waynetta]

WEIGHT WATCHERS Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fuckking thing in the first place, you fat baastards.

[waynetta]

INSECT PORNOGRAPHERS Wasps make excellent 'shaven-haven' actors when making hardcore films for bees.

[louisiana]

Gardeners, keep warm by climbing into your compost heap.

[waynetta]

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

[TillieTrotter]

haha

[waynetta]

BY making a simple periscope out of toilet roll tubes and the lenses from a pair of reflective sunglasses, it is possible to watch TV from beneath your floorboards.

[daizie]

PARTAKE in the full internet chat forum experience by 'sticking up' for people you've never met and typing 'racist' as a response to the word 'black'

[waynetta]

PENSIONERS Get to the bus stop 30 minutes before your bus pass starts. That way you can spend half an hour whingeing that the driver wouldn't let you on the bus. You will especially enjoy this if the driver is black.

[Trump]

Waynetta - Think you?ll find Freedom passes can be used on buses and the undergrouns 24x7. British rail after 09-30.

[waynetta]

OLD LADIES Worried some poor sod who's late for his bus is going to get past you on the pavement? Simply wander aimlessly from left to right. That will stop them.

[daizie]

Haha waynetta :)) ASCERTAIN whether you are working class or middle class by simply saying the word 'Nougat'

[ianr]

> Waynetta - Think you?ll find Freedom passes can be used on buses and the underground 24x7. British rail after 09-30.

What's needed is tips on delaying the 09:29 train.

[waynetta]

STOP being scared of spiders by handling spiders on a regular basis until you aren't scared of spiders anymore.

[daizie]

FOREIGNERS. Improve your English swearword vocabulary by dawdling aimlessly with your friends in front of the entrance to Oxford Circus tube station at 5.30pm every afternoon. Advanced linguists might like to try zig-zagging down the steps at a snail's pace while texting everyone back home.

[waynetta]

MAKE chocolate flavour toothpaste by eating a Mars bar whilst brushing your teeth.

[DulwichFox]

If your Wife or Girlfriend asks for an Animal Skin Coat for Xmas or Birthday.

May I suggest a Donkey Jacket.

[waynetta]

STOP to pick up the bodies of any small animals (rabbits, mice, weasels etc) which you run over in the road, and keep them in the boot of your car. Once the boot is full you should have enough to make a fur coat - an ideal suprise gift for your wife.

[waynetta]

A DROP of cooking oil placed outside their hole will help get rid of mice. When they next appear, they will slip over onto their backs, making capture much easier.

[Tulsie]

Waynetta and Daizie.....I think I love you both!

:))

T x

[Ladymuck]

400

Top Tip @ Mr. Quids:

Always nap with one eye open

PS: where are you?:(